Emergency room AGAIN

On Friday I had to go to the emergency room again!  What is going on with me???????????????  I wonder if I am under a tremendous amount of stress or am I developing a new problem? 

I started Friday with an appointment to see the cornea specialist.  I had to take a shuttle from University of Washington to downtown Seattle, it was raining.  Well, the specialist said my eyes were a little better and that the ulcers in my eyes were smaller.  He said that the PUK was a definite result of RA and that we needed a better medication for RA.  He started to tell me that I may need an infusion of more chemo drugs ( I can't remember the name) and methotrexate ( another chemo drug).  I feel like I am reeling, but OK.  I don't want to lose my eyesight and need my arthritis to be under control.

So I take the shuttle back to U of W for my RA appointment at 3:30, and it's raining and cold.  But, I felt fine, just fine.  I arrived just in time to check in and got to rest for a few minutes while waiting for the doctor.  I got to enjoy watching a new mom play with her baby, which was relaxing.  Had time to think about all that I am grateful for.  I really did make a valid effort to lower my stress and be "positive'.

My rheumatologist said that she was mildly concerned about me having vasculitis, was worried about  the PUK, and that the only measured successful treatments for PUK have been with methotrexate.  I told her that I did not tolerate methotrexate in the past, that it made me very nauseous and "toxic".  I told her I'd give it a try.  I asked her to go over the side effects with me (hair loss, nausea, weakness, liver damage).  GREAT, just what I need.  The last thing I want is more chemo when I had a complete response to chemo for Ovarian Cancer.  I am so so bummed.

She gave me three lab slips, said I needed a chest X-ray, needed tested for HIV and will need prophylactic treatments to prevent a specific type of pneumonia as well.  Grand.  On my way out I told her I felt a little nauseous.  Within 15 minutes I was violently ill with vomiting, diarrhea and severe abdominal pain.  The exact same thing I had last Friday and two other times before.

I eventually got admitted to the Emergency Room.  They took a gazillion viles of blood, did two chest and one abdominal x-ray, and pushed fluids.  They gave me Zofran and a few other drugs via the IV, but not until after the X-rays.  I lost a lot of fluids and was so so so so so so sick.  I was shaking like a leaf with chills from being dehydrated.  My lovely sister came and stayed with me until I was discharged around 2am.

During that time, my blood pressure kept dropping and the ER doc got nervous.  The gynecology oncology doctor "gynoc" on-call came to visit me in order to evaluate if I should be admitted.  The ER doc wanted me admitted but said it was up to the "gynoc". The "gynoc" was very thorough in his assessment.  He asked me everything about my Ovarian Cancer and Rheumatoid Arthritis history.  Unfortunately he could not justify admission, so he ordered some anti-nausea suppositories in case this episode happens again, and said we need to keep tracking this situation.  He said that he closely examined the X-rays and found no blockages or bleeds, nothing requiring surgery. 

So today I sit here nervous about having another episode, and wonder if I am too stressed to handle my current condition.  I wonder if I am unknowingly developing an aversion to certain foods.  I hate not knowing what is causing the vomiting.  I'm afraid to eat and just pray it doesn't happen again.

Next week I have two infusions to enhance my iron levels.  I look forward to that.  My sister and I agreed that I should not have multiple MD appointments on the same day, especially if they are at multiple locations.  I just can't handle all the activity. I love my sister so much for coming to the ER, so sweeeeeeeet.  I have such a supportive family.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Searching for some kind of balance

Good morning.  My sister and her husband returned last night from a glorious vacation on La Isla Mueheres.  The islands are located off the beautiful coast of Cancun Mexico.  They returned home with bright smiles, relaxed postures, beaming energy and tans.  Well, what a blessing for them.  They deserved it.  They went with a group of friends to celebrate one's 50th birthday and also personally celebrating 20 years of wedding bliss.

For me, this past week was another health nightmare, and I'm really tired of them.  I think I had noted previously having a severe RA flare.  Well my RAdoc put me on 30 mg of prednisone per day, scheduled to taper down in dosage over the next few weeks.  Because my eyes were also severely inflamed, red, dry, painful etc, I was also referred to an opthamologist.

Last Wed I saw an opthamologist who said she was concerned about my cornea.  I should have anticipated that they would dilate my eyes, but didn't, so I wasn't prepared for THAT!  Anyway, I was prescribed antibiotic eyedrops and referred to a cornea specialist. 

Two days later (FRIDAY) I was seen by a cornea specialist who said I have PUK (peripheral ulcerative keratitis).  WHAT?  He scared the hell out of me because he said my corneas could rupture if I don't get my arthritis under control.

Generally, your cornea is connected to the eye by collagen.  My RA is attacking my collagen and that includes the collagen around my cornea.  So in his valiant attempt to minimize the risk, he also prescribed an antibiotic for my eyes, because he saw a mild infection as well.

The cornea specialist prescribed Doxycycline and an antibiotic eye ointment. 

On Friday, in order to see the specialist downtown, I needed to drive to the SCCA, and take a cab to the eye clinic.  So by the time it was all done, I was gone from noon to 6:30 pm for one medical appointment.  What a day.

I was instructed to take Doxycycline with food.  I had soup, bread, one dose of Dox at 7pm.  By 7:45pm,  I was violently ill, throwing up, diahrea until 1am.  It was absolutely the most miserable condition.  I think I ruptured something in my nose from all the pressure.  I was so sick.

My mom tried to get ahold of all kinds of doctors, nobody available, and when she finally did get ahold of someone, he was rude.

I wound up in the ER on Saturday because of bloody stools.  I was diagnosed with a brief GI bleed, idiosyncratic gastritis and given fluids, pain meds and pepcid via IV.  The ER staff were nice and calming, and sent me home after four hours.  I will never take Doxycycline again, ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The past few days have consisted of trying to drink, eat litte amounts of food, and play administrator for my doctors.  I say administrator because the eye clinics and ER are not part of my main medical system at University of Washington. So I have to be the one to get records to them from outside doctors, sigh.

I am feeling better, but this is not over.  I still need to get my RA and eye condition resolved, and to be honest, really don't want to go on a bazillion appointments this week.  When I feel like this I have to remember to be gracious and thankful, as someone like me has no insurance and has no appointments.

I just am trying to say that it is frustrating, I am surviving deadly Ovarian Cancer, and my body is still falling apart.  I have not had time or ability to celebrate.  I want simplicity, no pain, to be able to exercise and have a little fun.  When will that happen, ever?  I just want to start enjoying life a little bit, that's all.

The value of our health

Today I'm starting high doses of prednisone to thwart a severe arthritic flare. 30mg per day for a week, then go down from there.  I guess I can't worry about side effects, I'm here on earth, and that's enough for now.

I have been in so much pain, and I wonder how it is that I fight off cancer and now have to deal with more arthritis.  A part of me was hoping my RA would magically disappear when I was receiving chemo.  No such luck.

It is just so amazing to me that those of us with health struggles get through our days.  What gives us the strength to continue?  All I want for my mom with diabetes is for her to be able to run in the sun, play on the beach, laugh, and enjoy a wonderful meal.  My sister has food allergies, so every meal is met with careful planning, why?  Why is my aunt burdened with RA?  Why my uncle with diabetes?  Why another uncle with cancer? 

I believe it is not for us to ask "why" as God has a plan.  Yesterday as I was coming back from the cancer center with my mega prescription of prednisone, I was finding I needed again to look for the lining, that golden beam of light that assures me that no matter what we are given, we will prevail in the end.  All we need to do is have faith.

So that's what I do, I pray.  I have faith that God places all of us together in a certain way to support each other, to inspire each other, to carry each other, to love one another.

So all I can do is give my love when I am in pain.  I give my prayers, as prayers do not require my hands, but instead my heart and soul.

Anger and pain

This morning every joint in my body hurts.  It hurt to slice a banana.  I could barely get out of bed.  My hands and ankles are swollen, my neck hurts, my knees hurt, my feet hurt, my right hip hurts. 

I wonder about anger and it's relationship to disease.  I got so angry yesterday.  Plus, I spent more time than usual on the computer trying to find photos for facebook, which may be why my shoulders and shoulder blades and hands hurt.  I have no idea.  All I do know is that stress is bad for arthritis and it's very bad for cancer.

I am really flaring and everything hurts.  I called the rheumatology clinic to see if they can see me earlier than October (geez).  A nurse is scheduled to call me back, I'll hope for the best.

I can't deal with this kind of pain all over, I just can't.  I don't want to spend the rest of my days in so much pain that I can't wring out a wash cloth to wash my face.  I want to get outside, walk, do yoga, get stronger. 

I want my cancer recovery to be full of excitement and happiness, not arthritic pain.  I hope we can tame this soon.  I just have to be hopeful.

I also need to get back to church every week.  I haven't been able to go regularly.  I miss God's spiritual nurturing.  I have been afraid of getting sick in church, so I haven't gone.  Going to church helps me have more patience, helps me to tame anger.

My body cannot afford for me to have angry emotions.  I need happy emotions.  I need those endorphins.

Well, that's all for today.  Surgery tomorrow.  Should go well.  Thanks for reading.

I just need to vent

Wish this post was a happy-go-lucky note.  Before I vent about my arguement with the physical therapist, please allow me to paint a picture of my current status.

1.  My arthritis is flaring.  It takes at least 3 to 4 hours before I can really do anything.  My hands are swollen, hip hurts, wrists hurt, neck hurts.  All I have to do is a little extra activity and whammo.  My next Rheumy appt isn't until October, I'm on the waiting list, but I need to do something.  Taking 5mg of Prednisone and Advil every day.  I'm not on my miracle drug, Enbrel, anymore.  This worries me about my future and also is very frustrating because I need to increase my activity to heal from Cancer.  I need to exercise more to prevent Breast Cancer.  AND I don't want Ovarian cancer to return, so I need to be slim and healthy, as much as possible.

2.  I can't train to go climb a mountain.  I want to really celebrate the recovery from OC and go do something extreme that says " I won!"  My arthritis says I am going to suffer if I enjoy gardening, that's what.  My digestive system is still a mess so I don't want to celebrate by eating, because eating is not fun right now.  (I can really sympathize with mom who is a diabetic)  Whine whine whine, I just need to deal with it I guess, I just want to be stronger and I will need extra time to get back to a good state, if I ever do.

3.  I do get to have iron infusion treatments twice per week for three weeks in June.  That is good.  Maybe removing my anemia will help me cope better and give me more energy to get stronger.  My hematologist said I have Thallasemia, another genetic illness.  When does it end.  He also thinks my neutrapenia is cyclic, so I'll need to do weekly lab draws after the iron therapy so he can track my situation.  That will probably start the end of June and I have no idea how long that will take. 

4.  I will have a mild surgery this Friday to have an abdominal cathetar removed.  Because my immune system was so so low, I was lucky to get a neulasta shot the other day.  Thank God.  That should last for two weeks or so.

5. NOW... I have a huge headache because the Physical Therapist and I had an arguement today that came out of nowhere.  I saw them on April 1st.  They did some myofacial release therapy and gave me some mild exercise instructions.  It lasted about an hour and they said they would get ahold of me so that I could come back in a week or two, depending on how I feel.  I was told that I had 5 visits approved by my insurance.  That's it. 

They finally called me last week to schedule an appointment ( a month later).  I kindly requested she call me on the 10th because I was waiting on my hematology schedule, then I would be better able to schedule the next physical therapy. The scheduler was totally OK with that.

So today the PT scheduler called me to schedule the next appointment. (45 days since I saw them). Because my schedule is now packed with surgery Friday, iron infusions twice a week etc etc, I wanted to wait until June.  I'm overwhelmed with doing too much "treatment" on one day, that's all.

Out of nowhere, the scheduler said she'd need to then discharge me because that was more than 4 weeks between treatments.  I said, "it's ALREADY BEEN more than 4 weeks"...blah blah "that doesn't make sense". I got stressed and I begged for an appointment in two weeks.  The conversation was edgy because I don't want to lose my PT visits over something like the scheduler not calling me in a timely manner. I had no idea that the orders were for me to be seen weekly for 5 weeks.  If I would have known that, then I would have taken initiative and called them, and would have asked them why they didn't call me back after my first visit.

The Physical Therapist called later and said "Sounds like you don't need PT anymore, you must be doing well".  I'm like WHAT??????? I said that I still needed PT, was having abdominal pain still and didn't understand why they wanted to discharge me. I said to her also that it was already over a month before they called me for my second appointment.

She told me I need to be "polite" during our conversation.  She was totally condescending, wanting me to be the "bad guy".

So we went round and round about that PT never called me to reschedule and they said I should have called them......whatever.  My phone kept dying, so she probably thought I hung up on her (to make matters worse).  How did this happen?  I am the patient.  I am not privy to patient scheduling policies and procedures and I don't know the exact medical orders.  Plus, they are contradicting themselves.

Personally, I think they don't want to see me because I got frustrated with the scheduler and have been now labeled as troubling or something.  I think they messed up the doctor's orders and got me entangled in an argument so that they can claim I am cantankerous and uncooperative, so they then can justify discharging me.  I hate this kind of thing.  I hate being labelled this way when I didn't even do anything.  They forgot about me, period.

So the PT said she was discharging me and told me to request a new PT order when I see my Oncologist at the end of June.  WHAT?????

At the end of the conversation I said to her that I do not want to be made out to be the bad guy, I did nothing "wrong".  I had to re-explain that I am worried about OC returning, getting breast cancer, and that I have all these appointments coming up for hematology and that I am on antidepressants.  I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!  I forgot to tell her about the arthritis.

So I had to leave a message with my oncology nurses that PT has prematurely discharged me and gave them a summary of the situation.

AGAIN, what ...how...why?  And why am I always the bad guy here? 

The worse part is that I bet my insurance won't approve it again, because I went several weeks without therapy.  The PT just screwed me over.

Just needed to vent.

My immune system update

Well, at the risk of boring you, I'm neutropenic again, per my primary care doctor. The neulasta has worn off.  In my current condition I must go to the emergency room if I get a fever because my immune system is severly compromised.

I see the hematologist at the end of May.

Now I have to return to living my life "carefully" and be mindful of my exposure to germs, avoid crowds, and do everything I can to boost my immune system.  I'm tired all the time, but not sure how much of this fatigue is post-chemo versus immune suppressed depletion.

I am making a huge effort not to be so self-centered on my health, and it's not so easy when simple things become hard.  My arthritis is getting a little worse.  The weeding did make my hands swell, but I wanted to enjoy nature.  I want to be active, be strong, live life fully. 

Now that I can focus on details a bit better, my post-chemo experiences are much richer.  If you ever know of anyone else who is in the throws of chemo, be patient. 

The fog of chemo makes it so difficult to communicate and participate in activities.  I was listening to a recording of a woman's state of mind while she was undergoing chemo for breast cancer.  She said that she was happy to just stare at the ceiling, no energy for movies or even TV.  I thought, "I can relate".

Anyway, it's still a good day.  My new hematologist seems intelligent, very curious and wants to solve my immunity dilemna.  Hopefully my insurance will approve GSF shots to boost my immune system (won't be cheap).  Hopefully we can find out "why".

In the mean time I am going to get my dictionary out, find the word "normal" and cross out the definition.  I'll then proceed to write "not applicable to Denise Archuleta".  HA!

mother nature

The other day I was blessed with the ability to pull weeds.  Now, that may not sound like a lot of fun, but I was truly in a state of total calm.  The soil dark and rich with nitrates reveals the essence of life.  It had just rained and the soil was soft on my hands, easy on my joints, sweet on my senses.

It reminded me that as our bodies return to the soil, mother earth, our spirit goes with God to be in eternal serenity. (At least that is my belief). 

Touching each grain of richness, saying hello to a few earthworms, and enjoying the fragrance of the dirt and grass caused me to breathe deep and smile.  In the background I could hear the birds singing their stories for all to hear.

For that moment was a beautiful moment.  And for each moment, is a beautiful moment, if only we can create it to be so.

And then I was blessed again on Saturday with a visit from Mandy and her children.  We played, laughed, watched the Kentucky Derby and talked.  Mom was thrilled. It was so wonderful to just take a moment to forget about problems and be happy.

drugs

I just posted a little blurb about the outrageous costs of medications on Facebook.  Not enough space allowed on Facebook to go into detail, so here I will explain what I meant.

In January, the cancer center started injecting me with neulasta instead of another immune system enhancing drug.  Neulasta was great, it lasted three weeks.  What they didn't mention is that neulasta costs over 7 thousand dollars per injection!  My 24 hour stay at the hopsital for Cisplatin cost less than my neulasta injection. 

Thank God a million times over for insurance, but I do have to pay a portion. 

I needed the injection, there is no dispute.  I have been in a fog for the duration of my chemo.  As the fog clears, I am becoming more and more aware of nuances, wondering why I never even inquired as to the medication's cost.  Usually I do ask about costs.

Well, anyway, Congress really needs to find a way to pressure pharmaceutical companies to make their medications more affordable.  They really have an advantage. Like being the only water pump in the Sahara desert, supply and demand rule.

My gratitude remains strong, just experiencing a little irritation.  Here's to better days. 

Lighter mood today

Today is a brilliant and beautiful day.  Sunshine, warmth and flowers fill my view.  Today I went to have my port flushed (the port is like a permanent IV access point on my chest wall).  It felt good to be able to wait in the lab waiting room and not be totally anxious and fearful.  I was relaxed with the half hour wait, watching others, wondering about their stories.  I saw people prepping for chemo, some not.  Some were anxious and upset about the wait, others quiet and motionless.

I met with the social worker afterwards so that she could help me with some much needed paperwork.  The one thing that will ring true for all people with cancer is that managing your cancer is a "job" indeed.  I have invested a lot of time and energy into organizing and keeping up with invoices and insurance statements as well as documenting all events associated with my illness.  When chemo has it's claws in you, it is a real challenge to find the energy to open the mail, believe me.

So anyway, the social worker was very nice and she plans to help me as much as she can.  I made an extra effort to thank her again and tell her that the cancer center's staff are angels, just pure angels. 

Chemo really puts you in a deep fog and takes your soul away, your energy, your spirit seem to all disappear.  I am not fully back together but feel so much better. 

A few weeks ago I received a handmade "get well" card from some children that attend my church's school.  I purchased a thank you card today.  I feel bad that I hadn't sent it yet, but the truth is that sometimes the smallest responsibilities and activities have at times felt like trying to run in quicksand.  I want them to know how much I have appreciated their kindness.

I also borrowed a book from the cancer center library that talks about how diet and exercise can help prevent breast cancer.  I figure that since I need to eat healthy and exercise anyway, I just as well follow a useful program.  Unfortunately there looms a doubt that I will live to see any breast cancer because my chances of an ovarian cancer relapse exceed the risk of BC.  Not to be a downer, it's just my reality.  As a matter of fact, as my body heals more, it seems that I am a wee bit more able to deal with "odds" and "risks".

Only God knows when we die.  I really believe that I am here for a specific purpose.  God has saved me so many times before.  I am feeling the urge to really tap into and exercise this unknown talent, and use it.  It will come and it will happen.

For today is a bit better than yesterday and who knows how tomorrow will go.  Here's to that tomorrow will be.

Unexpected complications

It has been a while since I have posted.  I think I am slowly improving, in spite of the hiccups along the way.  For starters, I had the great joy of being able to walk my niece to school last Friday.  It was just a few blocks, but I truly was not sure I could do it.  It was cold, a little hilly, but worth it.  Addie is just a sweetie.  Mom was baking cookies with Laria while Patrick and Mandy were at Mandy's doctor appointment.  Bless her heart, she is dealing the the BRCA 1 challenge so well.  She doesn't dwell on it.  She and I have important decisions to make down the road, because the threats are real, but we have to live now.  I went with her on her MRI/mammo appointments on Monday, she did so well.  So I will be praying for good news on the results and ask everyone to pray for her.

I was told yesterday that I have intermittent bowel obstructions, happy day.  I know it's kind of gross to talk about all this but my internal problems are not really going away.  This past Saturday I had another episode and got real sick, and I don't have the flu.  After reading up on the subject, the only real "cure" is surgery.  Intermittent bowel obstructions are when part of your intestines twist and block your body from moving nutrients etc through your tract.  I was reading that "IBO" is a complication of major abdominal surgery as well as appendectomies. 

So now I am wondering if I should go back to a more liquidy diet, drinking health shakes for dinner etc.  I have no idea how or if abdominal exercises help or hurt.  This is a structural problem, my netting is gone.  I was warned by my internist that this could happen, but had no idea if it really would.

So, anyway, not sure how I will deal with it because it seems like there's really nothing I can do other than surgery when it occurs.  It can be life threatening, so there's another looming black cloud hanging over my door.

The good news is that I think Paxil is helping some.  I don't have as many really bad worrisome thoughts as I used to.  The weather is slightly better, flowers and trees are in bloom.  We need to pull weeds and start on our garden.  There are good days to be had and I am still trying to hear God's calling.

The irony is that my latest "IBO" episode started at Church.  Two patrons were so helpful to me, so helpful.  Thank God I was able to drive myself home. 

I still believe there is a place for me in the capacity of an advocate, helping women and primary care physicians become more aware of the mixture of unassuming symptoms that combine in the form of deadly ovarian cancer.  There is nothing that can be done about the BRCA 1 mutation, but my cancer could and should have been identified earlier.  I have forgiven my doctors for ignoring my complaints, but still feel the need to "do something" about it.  Worrying about possible breast cancer is too much to confront at this time.

I'm starting to open my mind to possibilities, and hope that something comes to the surface.

My niece Shelby has her 10th birthday in a few weeks, along with Aunt Deb.  That's exciting.  Laria is coming back with Mandy sometime this week so grandma can teach her to paint.  How fun will that be? 

Oh, my insurance denied coverage of my breast MRI.  Just found that out a few days ago.  So, I'll deal with that when I get the bill from the cancer center.  Mildly frustrated in that I thought they were going to pre-authorize the procedure.  I guess I was supposed to do that.  Maybe they will give me a discount.  If not, then I should look into the Susan G. Koman foundation, I think they have financial resources to help women with BRCA 1mutation pay for their MRIs.  To be honest, I am just so grateful that I had the MRI.  It will work itself out I hope.

Bye for now.

Starting on a new trail for now

Hi everyone.

My mom and sister took me to the oncologist today for my post-chemo appointment. I wanted to share a summary of that visit and share a few feelings about my situation.

For the moment, I am in a good situation as far as ovarian cancer goes. The doctor said that I had a good response to the chemotherapy and that for now, the cancer has subsided. The thing I need to look out for is that statistics show that there is a 60% chance of the cancer returning in the cases of my type of ovarian cancer. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo my "job" is not to focus on the "what if it returns" scenario, but rather try to focus on how I can heal as the new me.

She said it can take a bit of time for chemo to get out of your system and six months to a year to recover. Because this has been a life altering experience, I cannot expect to return to be the person I was before the cancer. My life is different now.

My hopes are that in taking each day step by step, that I will eventually be able to embrace my new life, not worry about statistics, and live with eternal gratitude for all of God's blessings.

The cancer center is going to monitor me closely for two years minimum, which is great. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. I have been so blessed, so fortunate. My family and friends have been amazing and could never have made it through this ordeal without you all.

I have come a long way from surgery, surgical recovery, and chemo. Eight months ago I needed help getting in and out of bed and now I'm finished with chemo, ready to get stronger.

In the beginning I was so so so angry at the healthcare system, some of my doctors and insurance restrictions and now I couldn't be happier with my doctors and insurance. Insurance is another blessing. Thank you again Mandy and Patrick!

I have a lot of mixed emotions (which is normal) but for certain am very happy today. I know I am rambling a bit, sorry for that. I just wanted to tell you the good news. I still have odds and end things to do for the next few years, but hopefully the hardest part is over.

Thank you again to all my family and friends that have selflessly helped me throughout this process. I love you!

Denise

thoughts on prognosis

In two days I will see the gynecology oncologist for my "post chemo" review. With trepidation I have researched more on the BRCA 1 mutation along with reviewing additional information on Ovarian Cancer survival statistics. At the same time I am haunted by the fact that there will be an end, just how soon, only God really knows. My thoughts today have been scattered and dark. How long will I really live? What good will I do? How am I going to survive financially while alive? What is my purpose?

I do know that I would love to interview other people who have been diagnosed with a known "killer" disease, and find out how they feel. What keeps them going? Is it faith? What about strong relationships with family and friends? What about daily good deeds, acts of love and kindness? What about simply taking in a sweet breath of fresh air each day and making an effort to remember the moment? What about taking a moment to be with someone you love and just rejoicing in their being? What about sitting in silence and remembering your life?

In other words I have really not the slightest clue how to proceed today. In a few days I hope to have a better idea. It is highly unlikely that my doctor will give me anything concrete, but I do hope she can sort of guide me on how to continue knowing that because of my advanced cancer, there is a strong possibility of it returning.

Did I mention that when I met with the genetic medical oncologist to talk about the BRCA 1 mutation, she glossed over a statement "you are more likely to have ovarian cancer return than to get breast cancer". Still regret digging further into that at the moment, so I'll save that question for Dr. G.

I went onto the FORCE website today and read message boards from mothers who are BRCA 1 positive. It was so sad to hear the guilt from so many who blamed themselves for potentially passing the mutation to their children. Some were angry at God and then others embraced God for the daily graces He gives us. I just pray every day for all in need to reach out to God for his love. We all have our cross to bear. I am not special.

On a side note, my sister and her husband are getting a cute cat for their children. A wonderful yellow cat saved from a shelter. Her children are rejoicing. I am so happy for all of them because I know the girls will be great cat moms. What a blessing to experience such joy.

My sis and her husband have made so many sacrifices in order to help me through this entire ordeal. I have been very fortunate. There are not enough words to express my gratitude. Thank you Mandy!

Love,
Denise

Breast MRI

Hi everyone,

I underwent a breast MRI and abdominal CT scan this past Monday. My sister and mother patiently waited for three hours at SCCA, being kind and supportive as always. I had been nervous and real depressed. This past Sunday the three of us attended a meeting through FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered). We met three other women who are BRCA 1 mutation positive. Networking with other women who also face the uncertainty of when breast cancer arrives is very helpful. One woman had a prophylactic mastectomy because she had already had breast cancer before her genetic testing. Another woman had also gone through Ovarian Cancer surgery and chemo in a very similar scenario to myself. Another woman has tested positive, had ovarian cancer and plans to have a prophylactic mastectomy.

I received a call yesterday that my breast MRI was "good" and that I would be receiving a letter as to the recommended follow-up. I was so relieved, so grateful, and thanked God above. This gives me hope for my other family members who have the genetic mutation. I am the oldest sibling, so I pray that my younger siblings would also be negative for any findings.

Now I wait for my appointment with my gynecology oncologist on March 18th to review my abdominal CT scan and bloodwork. I am relieved to know now that I will be in a "surveilance" program for life at SCCA. As much as it drives me crazy to have so many medical appointments, I need the support and would have panicked if there were no such program.

I will let you know about the letter. For now I am focusing on recovery. I am so weak, low endurance and very depressed. I have started an antidepressant, but it takes almost a month for the effects to kick into full gear. So each day I do a little more, but I feel "cloudy". I have trouble concentrating and really have no motvation. I pray that I get more motivated as time passes, with spring around the corner, I should improve.

I will get to receive some physical therapy to work on my scar tissue and strength towards the end of March. Wonderful.

Now I am ready to be more supportive to my siblings. I love them dearly.

Bye for now.

Branching off on a new road

I am finally starting to feel a bit more energy, recovering slowly from 6 months of chemotherapy. Abdominal pain seems to be a chronic issue that I will now face every day for the rest of my life. Tomorrow my mother will join me with my sister to meet a new doctor that will address the new threats related to BRCA 1 mutation. I remain terrified and my sister, God Bless her, remains positive and strong.

A friend wrote to me to say that we are blessed to have received the testing and now we can at least have an opportunity to alter the predicted course of our lives. We have an opportunity to thwart off breast cancer. I am so grateful that we have this chance and at the same time am overwhelmed with what it means to actively thwart the threat of breast cancer. I don't want any more chemo. I don't want any more surgery. I don't want to have to do costly MRIs every 6 months, but what I want has no bearing on what may be needed.

I would give anything to save my sister from facing any of these decisions. I ask "why".

I kindof feel that of all the options, I'd rather have a prophylactic mastectomy than more chemo. But I can let go of my breasts because I'm still in the dark as to my overall life expectancy. I see my gynecology oncologist on March 18th. I won't have a clue as to my future until that day. If my ovarian cancer has shortened my overall life expectancy, than how important is it to address breast cancer anyway.

How important are my breasts? My family is more important to me. It is more important that because my sister does not currently have cancer, my brother does not have cancer, that they get the best possible consultation and land on the best possible path to prevent cancer. I am obviously depressed. It is so hard for me to comprehend a future for me. I can't see it right now, but I want to be here. I want to see my family every day and be a part of their lives.

I just completed a form for the new breast cancer doctor that involves attitudes toward the threat of cancer. I think that this new doctor will hopefully prescribe an anti-depressant. I have historically been opposed to anti-depressants for me personally, but this is situational depression. I think that they will help me a little bit so that I can get through this new challenge. I don't want to stay on them.

These are my thoughts for today.

On a side note:
I am watching the health care summit on CNN and wondering why there's a debate. When will we elect officials who value life from womb to tomb? The extreme right wing is so hypocritical. I believe health care is a right and that we must move forward with reform, one way or another.

For 10 years I went without health insurance. And for several more years I paid over $300 per month for junk plans that really covered very little. Now I finally have good insurance and am fortunate to have insurance. Every human being deserves the opportunity to have medical treatment, period.

clouded celebration with BRCA 1 mutation

This Thursday I will receive what is supposed to be my last Taxol treatment. On the same day, my Uncle Rich will receive his final radiation treatment. I am very happy for Uncle Rich. I just wish I was not so depressed.

My sister and I will be joined together at the hip on this last visit for chemo, and I will be embracing her support. It sounds strange, but I will miss our routine. I cannot for the life of me find anything valuable enough to return the energy, but I am looking.

Our celebration is clouded with recent unexpected news related to my genetic testing. I have tested positive for the BRCA 1 genetic mutation, and unfortunately so has my beautiful sister. The BRCA 1 genetic mutation occurs in both males and females, and indicates an increased risk for both ovarian and breast cancer.

I cannot remember if I have mentioned this yet. For the longest time I blamed myself for having ovarian cancer, wondering what I had done to my body, what did I do to deserve this. The genetic test results are a scary wake up call to our family and truly overwhelming.

My sister has the best and healthiest attitude, to take things a day at a time. Our next step is to visit the breast imaging center and most likely be scheduled for a breast MRI. Regular mammograms are not sufficient testing techniques when there is a known genetic mutation.

Our mother looked up some interesting and important history on the BRCA 1 mutation: I hope the above link takes you there. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/san-luis-valley.html?c=y&page=1

I feel a bit paralyzed, and think I will need antidepressants. I can barely commit to 5 minutes on the treadmill, still feel like a tire ran over my stomach, and can't imagine my life in 3 months or 6 months.

The only energy that drives me is that I need to pray for my sister and brother, my mother and all my relatives that noobody else has the mutation. I will be praying diligently for my sister. She is the most amazing person I know with a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls from China. My mother inspires me every day to be a better person, as I see how she plugs away at life in spite of brittle diabetes. Every day is a challenge here at home for us all and I can't bear any more news of any more cancer in our family.

So we will get our MRIs and pray, and deal and cope and pace our responses. We will love and support each other through this time.

I love my family so much and hope that I will serve them well in the future. Still ascertaining my calling. I can only take things one day at a time here.

Love,
Denise