CDC Symptom Diary Card

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

thoughts on prognosis

In two days I will see the gynecology oncologist for my "post chemo" review. With trepidation I have researched more on the BRCA 1 mutation along with reviewing additional information on Ovarian Cancer survival statistics. At the same time I am haunted by the fact that there will be an end, just how soon, only God really knows. My thoughts today have been scattered and dark. How long will I really live? What good will I do? How am I going to survive financially while alive? What is my purpose?

I do know that I would love to interview other people who have been diagnosed with a known "killer" disease, and find out how they feel. What keeps them going? Is it faith? What about strong relationships with family and friends? What about daily good deeds, acts of love and kindness? What about simply taking in a sweet breath of fresh air each day and making an effort to remember the moment? What about taking a moment to be with someone you love and just rejoicing in their being? What about sitting in silence and remembering your life?

In other words I have really not the slightest clue how to proceed today. In a few days I hope to have a better idea. It is highly unlikely that my doctor will give me anything concrete, but I do hope she can sort of guide me on how to continue knowing that because of my advanced cancer, there is a strong possibility of it returning.

Did I mention that when I met with the genetic medical oncologist to talk about the BRCA 1 mutation, she glossed over a statement "you are more likely to have ovarian cancer return than to get breast cancer". Still regret digging further into that at the moment, so I'll save that question for Dr. G.

I went onto the FORCE website today and read message boards from mothers who are BRCA 1 positive. It was so sad to hear the guilt from so many who blamed themselves for potentially passing the mutation to their children. Some were angry at God and then others embraced God for the daily graces He gives us. I just pray every day for all in need to reach out to God for his love. We all have our cross to bear. I am not special.

On a side note, my sister and her husband are getting a cute cat for their children. A wonderful yellow cat saved from a shelter. Her children are rejoicing. I am so happy for all of them because I know the girls will be great cat moms. What a blessing to experience such joy.

My sis and her husband have made so many sacrifices in order to help me through this entire ordeal. I have been very fortunate. There are not enough words to express my gratitude. Thank you Mandy!


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