The Peacock is loved by his colleagues but despises patients who question him. Especially those who do so in front of others. I had a Peacock, he may very well have killed me.
Feeling dark today. His mistake let my cancer grow for a year without treatment. His colleagues don't care.
https://apple.news/AM-TIpo6eQEmwVq20cGuZPg
I've tried to type and save this 3 times. Ha. I'm back on Taxol, my chemo brain is in full swing. Covid research is helping cancer patients with chemo brain to be better understood.
God Bless you!
Denise
Praise God, the bone scan is clear. This pelvic pain is not as worrisome now. Great news. I go to my part-time job in a few hours, have treatment tomorrow and have planned a day trip to the Royal Gorge on Sunday with my friend Pat.
A little story about Arnie. I was in southwest Colorado this time last year. My sister called me to tell me of his passing and it was of course devastating news. I was told there was no immediate service planned so we stayed on the trip.
The next morning my friend Patrick and I took the Durango-Silverton Railway tour. My assigned seat was #11, Arnie's favorite number. It took my breath away to sit down and see the #11. I sobbed and thought that maybe he was telling me hi from up in the heavens. ✝️❤️✝️ Thinking of his children. 😞 This is a really special photo.
I have been keeping busy. I went to a movie (Tom Cruise) with friends Monday evening. Tuesday was a long day at the hospital for my bone scan. I felt better emotionally, in spite of my nerves. Forgiveness is a process.
I feel like I live in an asteroid field right now. My new oncologist needs a baseline and I do not want to have to think about more mets. I can't avoid it though. Monday was not a good day mentally or emotionally but I am coming around. I am tired of cancer mets, this whole issue is an asteroid field. I want to travel and do good things.
The only thing I can do is pray for Jesus to use my suffering for His will. It takes a LOT of work for me to get in this space.
After my bone scan yesterday I went to adoration, prayed the Rosary and confession. That was followed with Mass. I cried of course because of my brother and prayed to not be in this asteroid field any longer. I prayed for my enemies. I just want to have a joyful heart no matter what.
Later today I find out the scan results. I will write that all out tonight or tomorrow. Every time I talk about cancer I get upset. Every time I talk about my previous gynonc and his social worker I get upset. It doesn't mean forgiveness is lacking but I live in an asteroid field and that could have been prevented.
Peace
Today it was suggested that I write out my feelings. This is an unexpectedly stressful and sorrowful week. I wish I could run away, childish feelings but it is the truth. I don't want to be in my skin. I miss my brother.
The anniversary of my brother's death from cancer last year is fast approaching and I never got to say goodbye. I had no idea about the details of his death and It really hurts that he is gone. I miss you and love you Arnie. I don't know why you were sent home to God and that I remain. God is in charge and I wish I could have changed that. ✝️✝️✝️
I have a bone scan tomorrow because my right hip and other areas of my pelvis (symphysis) hurt. New oncologist being thorough and cautious, for which I am grateful.
The scan brings up a lot of fear and negative emotion, really negative, but I will try to just stay busy until my next appointment. I can't really shake this because I'm angry about Feb 2021 medical error, but I will try. I know God is there but I feel raw today.
My new oncologist is trying hard to catch up but I feel dread. I always ask God for help. I'm seeking EMDR treatment to deal with medical errors from the past because THOSE memories and feelings are also hurting me. I feel trapped in them.... and it takes up space I need for other things. I want to run away.
Praying I have good news on Wed evening. I miss my brother. I miss Arnie ❤️
Update: Thank you all so much for your prayers! They really helped.
I had a really good appt with my new oncologist and I am so pleased. They did apologize for mishap. I will get increasd in Taxol but we will keep it to what I can handle. I am so relieved that my new team is supportive. Thank you again... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Bladder Dome Tumor increasing in size. Wrong DIAGNOSIS on CT order for today. WRONG diagnosis on radiology report. What I had to go through to get a corrective addendum is completely unacceptable!!!!
I have a new medical oncologist and mistakes are already happening. I am going to go insane or dive into a severe depression. I can't take any more medical errors!!!!!!!!!!! I missed an entire year of potential treatment to knock back my ovarian cancer mets, when it had not spread as much, because the radiologist did not write down all the correct information Feb of 2021! Now I have no idea what will work.
My psychologist is trying to find me a counselor who does EMDR therapy for PTSD. I contacted one last week, no reply.
My new oncologist told me (re: incomplete radiology reports) at my first visit with him 'it happens all the time'. I said that was wrong and there was no response.
Today I did my part to be on time and be still for the CT scan and ONCE again there was an error. I do not trust the scan report because the radiologist was looking for breast cancer, which I don't have (praise God). I asked for a new radiology read with a different radiologist and I was given a phone number to call.
I see my new oncologist Friday and am scheduled for Taxol. He needs time to get to know my case but the wrong diagnosis on an order is absolutely not acceptable under any circumstances What the heck is going on where I get cancer care?
The 'wrong diagnosis' could have been written incorrectly by an assistant but how did that significant mistake go unnoticed by layers of professionals???? The radiologist was comparing today's scan to on in Feb 2022 and NOWHERE on that report or anywhere on my chart does it say I have breast cancer. I have ovarian cancer.
If I want any credible care I would have to move! I can't drive back and forth to Loveland (if I were to go to MD Anderson) from Englewood, it's too long. I am too tired to make that drive for each treatment, let alone other unexpected visits.
I cannot tolerate PARP inhibitors because they cause me serious bad side effects. Zejula was a terrible drug for me. I never should have agreed to try it.
I have no idea how fast cancer is growing because my previous team screwed up so badly, then punished me for getting angry about their mistake. I want more time for Taxol or try Gemzar again.
How am I supposed to feel? Am I going to get punished for being upset today? I ask anyone to be neutral about having the wrong diagnosis on the CT order and radiology report and that is tooooooooo much to ask of anyone. I need lots of prayers and can I please please please receive proper medical care?
I think my previous team should pay my bills and pay relocation costs to get better care at a reputable cancer center and pay my living expenses! What did I do to them to receive such bad care?
This blog is all I have. They are killing me.
I read today a shocking note written by my amazing palliative care nurse. She has been a beacon of hope amidst the nightmare that my gynecology oncologist of 6 years was willing to let me go and let me die. He activated a legal loophole/behavior agreement after I complained about the radiology error which has ALLOWED my cancer to spread untreated. A social worker refused to help me relax prior to that appointment becauae I was legitimately upset about the lethal medical reporting error. In other words only a living saint would not have been upset.
Jesus was abandoned by those he loved and I am keeping my heart with Jesus as best as I can humanly do, given that my gymonc was willing to abandon me while my cancer was advancing.
The palliative care nurse wrote (see photo) she would not be surprised if I died a year from March. Maybe her answer would have been that she would be surprised by my death within a year, had it not been for this collasal medical reporting mistake. My doctor must have been terrified that I was going to sue him so he was willing to let me die. One day you will see a photo of this insanity. I will black out his name.
God will handle this doctor's reputation. I ask for your prayers that I continue to ask Jesus to speak for me. I am begging for the bitterness to disappear, it is going to take time. I will be in confessions and adoration often because this abuse is so RAW. I need lots of prayers because sometimes I have wanted for God to just take me.
Why did my doctor hurt me?
I have PTSD from the river of medical abuses. I will voice my records with grace because I will not be silenced either.
Behavior agreements are too often used in a morally corrupt and criminal manner.
Please pray for all doctors who hurt their patients out of FEAR of being sued!
This is the weekend we honor the women who give birth, adopt, mother us and love us. We are forever connected to them, eternally bonded. I was hoping to get to Kansas and visit my mom's grave site. I deeply miss her, why? Because of her love. She knew me, not as much as Jesus knows me, but she knew my heart. I miss you mom, love you and know the day that God brings me home is the day I see you again! ❤️
This is also an historical moment for enwombed children to be lifted in joy, not burden. We as a society must do all we can to love mothers and enable them to nurture the child within. All human life deserves dignity at all stages of life, birth and death. Let's do more for Love, not hate.
I wrote a poem about a child, their life, their death and the great gift of God's eternal Love, Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness. May this inspire you to think more deeply about these tender members of the human race who have a purpose yet to be seen but given by Love and God himself. Love and Bless you!
Medical Error Patient Health Restoration and Protection Act
I want to start this post saying that I AM grateful for all of the good care that I have received over the years. Positive outcomes outweigh bad outcomes, BUT, permanent damage has happened to my body, mind and spirit as a result of medical injury. This cannot be ignored. A nurse is on trial for killing a patient because she was distracted, and gave the wrong medication. A nurse running to her side defended her saying that mistakes happen "every day" and that nobody would be a nurse if they weren't allowed to make mistakes. I don't agree at all with her attitude or her statement.
Would you buy a car from a factory where the workers said they make mistakes every day and that they are "ok" with it? NO! I can choose to buy a different car but I cannot choose to receive an alternative healthcare delivery method, I can't.
Medical errors have been swept under the rug for decades upon decades. A time of reckoning is upon this vital human service industry. Medical errors are like a cancer festering amongst the students, providers, patients and executives within the healthcare system. There is NO current patient pathway for restoration and NO pathway for restitution and correction for providers committing medical mistakes.
Medical mistakes or errors ARE an abuse against a patient when they continue to happen without any effort to remedy and avert the problem. People die or become permanently injured as a result. In order to fix a problem one must first acknowledge and APOLOGIZE. The ultimate goal of this ACT is not just patient and provider healing, but forgiveness.
I have felt like the poster child of medical errors since 2008. I have almost died several times and to this day regularly battle mistakes in health care delivery. This has tried my forgiving heart on an unbelievable level and my body is permanently damaged as a result of these errors. I have forgiven, but it takes a toll on me and everyone involved. I speak out and I say that I was injured, and nobody likes it.
The Healthcare Industry and teaching models need to change their attitude about patient care mistakes. Of course it's true that some mistakes (errors in the sensory system/perception of the problem at hand) will always be present because we are humans. What is NOT ok are errors in judgement or willful disregard for protocols designed to protect patients from injury. The system needs to change so that providers are Not Distracted. t
The healthcare providers are the only people who know what they need to stop this madness from continuing to happen. Not board members, not executives, not money managers and profit margin hawks, not the professors...but the workers. They need to be empowered to do a good, not good, but excellent job! People have been killed or permanently damaged because of this cancerous sore that has festered and grown to a point it may actually kill the healthcare delivery system we know today. Today is the day for change, not tomorrow!
Healthcare workers need to stand UP FOR their patients!!!!!!!! Patients are not the enemy! Workers need to stand UP to the SYSTEM that creates this toxic patient healthcare delivery environment and fight for what the patients need! They need to "be the change" because when their colleagues make mistakes, especially those that cause permanent damage or sadly kill, they are also effected. Everyone is touched by these errors. When patients are placed first everyone wins!
God's Grace has kept me alive and this is my time to speak up on behalf of all patients who are abused within the medical community. It's time to stop sweeping medical errors under the rug! Starting today each and every health care worker can make a choice to double check their assignments. They can do that. It starts with them. I have suffered so much spiritual, physical and emotional pain from medical injuries that I dare say I can bear no more! This is my time to speak out!
May God grant mercy upon those workers who are struggling to provide care to their patients and may He console and heal the bodies, minds and soul of the victims.
Essentials of Medical Error Patient Health Restoration and Protection Act (MEPHRPA) by Denise Archuleta:
Hello Friends,
First off God granted me a most undeserved assurance I could be able tolerate Taxol. I just learned that I accidentally ingested peanuts last Thursday. I can't wait to message my doctor. So it's possible I was not super-sick last week from Taxol. I am relieved because my options are few.
I am allergic to peanuts and it incapacitates me for 24 hours or more. You can only imagine all the GI issues, headaches dehydration and shortness of breath. My stomach is still very sensitive.
My ANC is also .5, almost at "I need wear a hazmat suit time", super low. I am allergic to neulasta, so it's actually a red alert issue.
Tonight God lead me to take another look at the ingredients of the granola bar I ate last week. I'm half blind and did not see that the almond bar also contains peanuts.
We had to hold off on Taxol this past Friday because my neutrophils are too low.
I am scheduled for toddler Taxol this coming Friday. I need my ANC to go up.
I have this silver-dollar size tumor on/in bladder dome. My cystoscopy is scheduled for this coming Tuesday. All I can say is I pray it doesn't hurt. I don't want to have to go through a radical surgery.
I'm a water baby, I need my water activities like I need air sometimes. My water time is prayer and reflection time; my persoal sanctuary. Literally. Radical surgeries would pry render me unable to be in my little sanctuary.
I was grateful to speak with my palliative care nurse last week. She has empathy and is my navigator to help with navigating my cross.
May dear Jesus use my suffering for His Glorious Will. Thank you Lord for tonights ray of Hope and Love. God help those in Ukraine.
Until again,
Servivorgirl
Hello friends,
Such a sleepy night but I wanted to tell you I love you. I am back on Taxol, but the doses are smaller and administered weekly. My infusion nurse calls them toddler doses. I will also remain on Avastin.
The reason for toddler taxol is because I'm allergic to neulasta. The lower dosage on a frequent basis is less likely to tank my neutrophils. Well, it's not in my hands but in the way I have been grilling people, you'd think it was. I'm a mess, I was blindsided by the bladder tumor.
A radiology report from a year ago didn't mention an important abnormality and now I probably have cancer on or in my bladder. My "ptsd" is in full swing, feeling like I'm back in 2008 all over again. Thanking Jesus for my gynonc.
Well I am super sleepy. I want to start sharing my journey again. It feels less hopeful only because my body is beaten up from years of medication. My heart is not beaten up and I still have a few vacations to take, if I can get someone to take me. Ha.
Love and more to come. God Bless you. 🌸❤️🌸🙏🏻🌸❤️🙏🏻
Today was a great day! I had the pleasure of speaking with a health professional to discuss my anxiety. I learned another coping skill and feel more empowered to cut off an episode at the pass.
I had not been able to sleep several nights this past week, haunted by things at the hospital. I recognize that certain things are triggers that can draw me down into a rabbit hole and in spite of my love for Jesus and prayer, I am vulnerable to succumbing to those triggers.
I felt so welcome today, everyone was just so nice. I thanked the Lord over and over for His grace today. I thanked the Lord for all the people who helped me today and that someone listened. God Bless them.
Psychological care is a vital component of our overall healthcare plan as people with cancer, cancer survivors and for caregivers. I know I will always need psychological support.
If you feel like you need mental health care, please talk with your doctor or nurse. God Bless you.
I love the Lord and when I went to confession a few weeks ago I offered in full, to Jesus, ALL of my sorrow and anxiety and pain to Jesus for the repose of the soul of my dear sweet brother. May he REST IN PEACE. 💔 I know that God wants for me to focus on HIM because if I focus on the pain of the world, the pain of my life, my soul will suffer in the end. I pray for his sweet kids. I also pray for my sister, and her kids, as she lost her husband last December.💔
I strive to NOT WASTE my suffering but I don't always remember to do so.
I think this post reflects on the dangers of keeping grudges. Don't do this to yourself and please do not hold them against others, especially ones who really do love you. Learn to forgive, please.
A priest recently reminded me that doing the work of God can make people very angry, but not to let that stop me. I suffer from family estrangement because I refused to follow hateful orders. I was told not to take calls from my uncle (US Veteran) who suffers from bipolar and PTSD. He was off his meds and causing a lot of trouble. I was not given an explanation just told not to take his calls. In my heart that was wrong, and I took his calls. He was suicidal, God saved his life (with my help) and I lost my aunts' love. They hold a grudge against me still for helping him. This is the only thing I can publicly discuss where I think it will help you. I can't tell you how emotionally messed up I feel sometimes because of this but I know God did not want me to ostracize him. It wrecks me for a few hours, then I remember God loves each person equally, and we are supposed to love each other. I did the right thing.
My loving sister stuck with me all the way during front line treatment, through all of my suffering and I will forever be GRATEFUL to her for that. My mom put up with so much of my rage ( I lived with her) because of the medical errors that happened prior to my diagnosis. I never got the psychological help I needed to deal with the anger. I am so sorry mom (she is in heaven and no longer has to deal with any suffering).
I no longer hold a grudge against my doctors in California (pre-cancer) but what continues to happen is the emotional pain gets triggered every now and then. My brother died of cancer and now I am flooded with the memories of all the rage I had back then. I am slowly coming around.
Remember, I was told many times I was too young to have ovarian cancer, while I WAS TELLING MY SYMPTOMS OVER AND OVER, I WAS IGNORED. Of course I had rage for several years. That was why I named this blog "Nobody" has ovarian cancer. I no longer have rage, hold no grudge, but the memories come back sometimes, like now. My mom suffered because of me, but I got no help. The massive steroids made me a wreck too, which did not help. I was so messed up by the steroids that I was fearful to walk outside, the clouds were too dark and I was afraid of dogs. I was a hot mess during front line treatment. It took two years of my own begging to get a psychologist!
The cancer community did not want to admit that this gross medical error occurred on the part of PCP and OBGYN community, so I never received the psychological support that I needed to manage the rage. I hate myself for that. Fast forward to today, I still have anxiety and depression, but it is well-managed. I am not perfect and still to this day most medical staff do not want patients with anxiety. I feel it all the time. They are so cheery when a patient they like arrives. Look up anticipatory anxiety.
I have to re-think my purpose for living because God is all good, all loving, all merciful and all Truth. He has me here. I would have in a second given myself to save my brother or Pat. I mean that, truly. God what do you need of me and I pray for you to give me grace to fulfill your will.
I pray for Thy grace to flow over those whom I love, who have let me go, but if your will is for me to be without them, I will have to accept that. I need you to help me live with that for I cannot bear it.
I am sorry that this post is not the cheery FB positive cheeky happy post you were expecting. I wish I had some positive photo of me surrounded by a bunch of people wearing teal shirts that say "you go girl" but I don't. I do however still show that loving photo of my sister and I on my last day of front line chemo. I love you Mandy.
Maybe other cancer survivors or other people with chronic or life threatening conditions who are also single will read this and simply understand. I have no husband holding my hand when I go to the clinic. I feel vulnerable. Nobody's face lights up when they see me. I need to change so that they do. I will try.
If you are a person who is loved and surrounded by your whole family and lots of friends who adore you, be grateful. Be grateful they don't hold grudges against you forever. You are abundantly Blessed.
To the ones who care about me and love me, You mean everything to me. To the ones who have let me go, I love you too.
Be forgiving.
God Bless you all.
