12 Years Praise To God

I love the Lord and when I went to confession a few weeks ago I offered in full, to Jesus, ALL of my sorrow and anxiety and pain to Jesus for the repose of the soul of my dear sweet brother. May he REST IN PEACE. 💔 I know that God wants for me to focus on HIM because if I focus on the pain of the world, the pain of my life, my soul will suffer in the end. I pray for his sweet kids. I also pray for my sister, and her kids, as she lost her husband last December.💔

I strive to NOT WASTE my suffering but I don't always remember to do so.

I think this post reflects on the dangers of keeping grudges. Don't do this to yourself and please do not hold them against others, especially ones who really do love you. Learn to forgive, please.

A priest recently reminded me that doing the work of God can make people very angry, but not to let that stop me. I suffer from family estrangement because I refused to follow hateful orders. I was told not to take calls from my uncle (US Veteran) who suffers from bipolar and PTSD. He was off his meds and causing a lot of trouble. I was not given an explanation just told not to take his calls.  In my heart that was wrong, and I took his calls. He was suicidal, God saved his life (with my help) and I lost my aunts' love. They hold a grudge against me still for helping him. This is the only thing I can publicly discuss where I think it will help you. I can't tell you how emotionally messed up I feel sometimes because of this but I know God did not want me to ostracize him.  It wrecks me for a few hours, then I remember God loves each person equally, and we are supposed to love each other.  I did the right thing.

My loving sister stuck with me all the way during front line treatment, through all of my suffering and I will forever be GRATEFUL to her for that.  My mom put up with so much of my rage  ( I lived with her) because of the medical errors that happened prior to my diagnosis.  I never got the psychological help I needed to deal with the anger. I am so sorry mom (she is in heaven and no longer has to deal with any suffering).  

I no longer hold a grudge against my doctors in California (pre-cancer) but what continues to happen is the emotional pain gets triggered every now and then. My brother died of cancer and now I am flooded with the memories of all the rage I had back then. I am slowly coming around.

Remember, I was told many times I was too young to have ovarian cancer, while I WAS TELLING MY SYMPTOMS OVER AND OVER, I WAS IGNORED. Of course I had rage for several years.  That was why I named this blog "Nobody" has ovarian cancer.  I no longer have rage, hold no grudge, but the memories come back sometimes, like now. My mom suffered because of me, but I got no help. The massive steroids made me a wreck too, which did not help.  I was so messed up by the steroids that I was fearful to walk outside, the clouds were too dark and I was afraid of dogs. I was a hot mess during front line treatment.  It took two years of my own begging to get a psychologist!

The cancer community did not want to admit that this gross medical error occurred on the part of PCP and OBGYN community, so I never received the psychological support that I needed to manage the rage.  I hate myself for that.  Fast forward to today, I still have anxiety and depression, but it is well-managed. I am not perfect and still to this day most medical staff do not want patients with anxiety.  I feel it all the time. They are so cheery when a patient they like arrives. Look up anticipatory anxiety.

I have to re-think my purpose for living because God is all good, all loving, all merciful and all Truth.  He has me here.  I would have in a second given myself to save my brother or Pat.  I mean that, truly.  God what do you need of me and I pray for you to give me grace to fulfill your will. 

I pray for Thy grace to flow over those whom I love, who have let me go, but if your will is for me to be without them, I will have to accept that. I need you to help me live with that for I cannot bear it.

I am sorry that this post is not the cheery FB positive cheeky happy post you were expecting.  I wish I had some positive photo of me surrounded by a bunch of people wearing teal shirts that say "you go girl" but I don't. I do however still show that loving photo of my sister and I on my last day of front line chemo.  I love you Mandy.

Maybe other cancer survivors or other people with chronic or life threatening conditions who are also single will read this and simply understand.  I have no husband holding my hand when I go to the clinic. I feel vulnerable. Nobody's face lights up when they see me. I need to change so that they do. I will try.

If you are a person who is loved and surrounded by your whole family and lots of friends who adore you, be grateful.  Be grateful they don't hold grudges against you forever. You are abundantly Blessed.  

To the ones who care about me and love me, You mean everything to me. To the ones who have let me go, I love you too.

Be forgiving. 

God Bless you all.