A song for mom. "Strong Like You", by Kathie Lee Gifford and David Friedman

http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/47372225#47372225

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My mom and I had the most amazing experience on the Today Show.

She is such an inspiration to me.  I know she can be an inspiration to others.  We all have our challenges.

Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb are so incredibly sweet, so thoughtful, so kind, so sincerely interested.  What an honor for mom and I to have had this chance. I watch the show all the time, it always makes me smile.  Being on the set gave me a permanent smile.  Love and hugs to Kathie Lee and Hoda, I sincerely care about you.  My mom told me she really felt that your sweetness, care and love.  I wish my mom was writing this in her words, but you know what I mean.

All the people on the set, hair, makeup were so courteous and happy and you can tell that the people at NBC love what they do. Bobby, thanks for the joy and for doing my hair.

On the set, you can feel the positive energy in the air.  You need something, all you have to do is ask.

For my essay to have been selected from the hundreds or however many are submitted is just a miracle.  Kathie Lee was so genuine in providing prayers to us and I could feel her spirit.  I just can't believe I was in Hoda and Kathie's presence, wow.

I wish I could write out all the laughter and joy that my mom is feeling right now.  The trip was a real challenge, because we both have some limitations and mom just pushed through everything like the trooper that she is.  I love the look on my mom's face right now, she is BEAMING!

Thank you Kathie Lee and David Friedman for creating such an incredibly beautiful and inspiring musical piece for my mom. WOW, that is truly amazing.  I posted on my FB page that I am truly humbled.  I feel like God has lifted us with this truly beautiful gift.  Chandra Lee Schwartz, your voice is so beautiful. Davy Wild, thank you for your keyboard talent.

Katherine Cook, you are incredible, thank you so much.  You are so responsive and talented, please give everyone a huge hug from me and mom.  Superhug to you!

I hope to find my cell phone because it has all our precious photos from the trip.  I was crying my eyes out on the way home.  I lost it somewhere between the security checkpoint and the gate at JFK.  I wish I had worn a camcorder on my head the whole time.  New York City is just indescribable, and we were overwhelmed.  I mean, what can I say.  You have to be there I guess to understand.  It's huge.....you almost fall over backwards looking up to the top of the skyline.

To my sister and aunt who helped with getting the photos and helping get us ready to go, a major huge hug and love to you.........what a whirlwind.

I pray I did not forget anyone.  There is so much more to tell..

This was a once in a life-time opportunity.   I love you mom!

Denise

Mom and I will be on KLG and Hoda this Thursday

I am extremely proud of my mom and can't wait to see the glow on her face when she gets a chance to share her life with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.  I had written into the show about how inspiring my mom was to me in helping me cope with ovarian cancer and how much strength she demonstrates in her constant battle with Type I diabetes.  It is a miracle that she is not on dialysis at this time, and her having her heart attack on Valentine's Day may have played  a role in her healing, of all things.  I call it a miracle.

I had asked God for just a little more freedom for her, and here we are.  You will get to know her as a person, a real human being, and know why I love mom so much.

I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so happy that my essay has touched my favorite producer in the whole world.  I'll call her "K" for now.  She has been so generous and I can't wait to meet her and Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, and Sara Haines and the rest of the Today family.

I owe a million thanks also to my sister Mandy, brother Arnie, aunt "D" for really digging in and physically helping me through my transition from California to Seattle.  My sister especially, because she had sacrificed so much precious time with her young children and husband, and their lives are so busy.

Caregivers are so important, whether they are literally caring for you or being that angel in waiting, as a shoulder to cry on.  I love my entire family so much, I just can't say it loud enough.

I know that most of all, we are so proud of mom.  Mom I love you with all my heart and want to thank you for all that you have given me.

I can't wait to write about our experience.

Peace, Love and Blessings to you all.

Denise

Rivkin Center awards grant for cognitive study

CONGRATULATIONS DR. GRAY!

Heidi Gray, MD

University of Washington

Behavioral and neural indices of cognitive rehabilitation in ovarian cancer

Millions of ovarian cancer survivors live with residual symptoms of impaired thinking and impaired memory severe enough to interfere with basic activities of daily living and work. However, very little is known about how to treat problems in cognition. Pharmacologic interventions have only been modestly helpful, if at all, and not all patients desire or are able to take medications. Dr. Gray will examine the ability of a 7-week cognitive rehabilitation intervention to improve memory and thinking abilities in ovarian cancer survivors. In addition, the project will measure changes in brain activity patterns from the treatment using neuroimaging.

The Rivkin Center is delighted to announce the recipients of its 2012 Scientific Grants. With another record-breaking year in grant funding, the Rivkin Center has awarded over $1 million in research grants to better understand and combat ovarian cancer. This year 3 Scientific Scholar Awards and 10 Pilot Study Awards were conferred in addition to funding for the second year of the two-year Challenge Grant.   A one-year award of $60,000, our Scientific Scholar Award is intended to assist promising young laboratory and clinical scientists in pursuing a career in ovarian cancer research. For more about our Scientific Scholars and their funded projects, click here.   Christina Gewinner, PhD Anne Noonan, MB BCh BAO Brigitte Theriault, PhD   2012 Skacel Family Scholar   2012 Gilman Family Scholar    University Health Network     xUniversity College London   National Cancer Institute   A one-year award of $75,000, our Pilot Study Program will support investigator-initiated pilot projects in all areas of ovarian cancer research. For more about our Pilot Study Awardees and their funded projects, click here.   Matjaz Barboric, PhD Lavakumar Karyampudi, PhD   University of Helsinki   Mayo Clinic  Heather Cunliffe, PhD Ilona Kryczek, PhD   Translational Genomics Research Institute   University of Michigan Tyler Curiel, MD, MPH Fang-Tsyr Lin, MD, PhD   Univ. of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio   Baylor College of Medicine Heidi Gray, MD Meera Nanjundan, BSc, PhD   University of Washington   University of South Florida  Shelley Hooks, PhD Jeremy Stark, PhD   University of Georgia   Beckman Research Inst. of the City of Hope   The 2011 Scientific Challenge Grant, a two-year, $150,000 research grant focuses on the origins of ovarian cancer with the goal of accelerating the early detection of ovarian cancer. For more about our Scientific Challenge Grant, click here.   David Bowtell, PhD   2011-2013 Lester and Bernice Smith Fellow   Peter MacCallum Cancer Center

Cancer Lifeline needs volunteers on May 18th

CANCER LIFELINE SEEKING A FEW VOLUNTEERS ON MAY 18TH

Cancer Lifeline’s mission is to optimize the quality of life for all people living with cancer

Volunteer at Cancer Lifeline

Date: Friday, May 18 2012

Time: 10am-4pm

Number of volunteers needed: 4-10

Contact: Amanda Boyle, Development Manager at Cancer Lifeline

            206-832-1273 or aboyle@cancerlifeline.org

Description of what we will be doing:

Help to beautify the healing gardens at Cancer Lifeline. We have three gardens on the upper floor that need renovation and care. We have one additional garden on the lower level which also needs attention.

 Here are a few tasks that need to be done for the facility:

• Weed and tidy garden beds
• Pressure wash decking and chairs on all decks
• Sweep decks
• Paint awning/pergola a new color, scrape any excess paint.
• In downstairs garden, sand and treat the wooden pergola. Remove current vines.
• Clean candle lamps in meditation garden
• Refinish and sand benches
• Plant new items for summer
• Replace soil
• Clean fountains
• Trim back leaves, branches, and climbing vines as necessary

How it benefits the community and Cancer Lifeline:

Our healing gardens are an important aspect of Cancer Lifeline because it provides participants and building visitors with a lovely outdoor space to call their own. After dealing with heavy thoughts and burdens about a cancer diagnosis, these gardens can provide a new kind of reflection through calming fountains, sunshine and conversation in the outdoors. Cancer Lifeline is a special place of sanctuary and healing; we’d like to preserve its special quality for years to come with garden beautification efforts.   

The gardens were designed and installed by the U of W’s Landscape Architecture students. Planning the Healing Gardens was an amazing experience for students, clients and staff.

The Celebration Garden (first garden – west-at top of back staircase)

Theme: there are often many things—small and big that can be celebrated in the process of healing. This is our “clients’ garden.”

A horticultural therapist planted different herbs as the basis for client and staff involvement in this garden. 

The Reflection Garden (second garden-west)

Theme: Healing can take place through reflection and meditation

The fountain – a wonderful cascade of soothing sound – was built in honor of our Executive Director Emeritus’ husband.  There is a feeling of tranquility with the soft murmur of the bamboo plants, a wonderful quiet space.

 The Earth and Sky Garden  (largest garden-east)

Theme: the connection between healing, and the earth and sky

Our largest garden, fitting for classes outdoors or for a lunchtime meet-up for clients.

 Lower Level Garden  (smallest garden, south side of building lower level)

    A bench and a wooden pergola provide a nice sanctuary to the building.

http://www.cancerlifeline.org/

Cancer Lifeline is very dear to my heart.  

If you are in the Seattle area and have some time to help, please join us! 

Peace to you.

New OC NON-Screening Guidelines abandon women

http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/13/health/ovarian-cancer-test-brawley/index.html

I have been thinking about the results of the Ovarian Cancer Screening guidelines for several days.  Today I am finally going to share my gut feelings about this.  Although I respect the medical community and their research, I believe that at the end of the day, this is a total abandonment of women and will kill many.

The truth is that the only reliable way to detect the early stages of ovarian cancer is via an expensive PET scan or other equally complex scanning.  A CT scan is not reliable.  A blood test is not reliable. A transvaginal ultrasound is not reliable.  A bi-manual pelvic exam is not reliable.  BUT...any screening is better than no screening!

How do I know that PET scan is reliable?  My brilliant amazing gyn-oncologist spotted a suspicious situation with a tumor on my liver via a CT scan and ordered a PET scan.  The PET scan ironically revealed that the liver tumor was not active, but there were THREE other active tumors, breathing, living, ready to mature into larger tumors at some point in the future.  It is a miracle that my recurrence was caught in the early stages.

My CA125 was only 15.  I had no unusual symptoms other than increased fatigue.  My constant abdominal pain is not anymore a symptom because it is constant.

My stand is this:  Either we allow all women, and I mean ALL women, the opportunity to receive a PET scan if there are any subtle signs of ovarian cancer, (not just the big 4, but weird abdominal pain, low back pain, unusual bleeding, increased fatigue)  and make it affordable............

OR

We declare that all ovarian cancer is a chronic condition so that we can apply for benefits to live what is left of our lives in dignity.

We can only apply for a limited number of benefits while in active treatment (corrected comment).  When we are declared NED, we cannot apply for new benefits, but we can keep benefits we have.  The problem is that this disease does make us less able to work full time and the medical expenses are ridiculous.

I am so grateful to have this time now, even in a recurrence and being on chemo.  BUT, I am not really living the life that I'd like.  I also want to add that I am not saying that I have no control over my future or anything like that, but it is very difficult to be a cancer patient, find work and keep it.  So, yes we do need to reach inside and find our entrepreneurial spirit.........and I am on a mission of raising awareness.  But if this is really true, that the recommendation is that there be no real active screening, than it is almost a certainty that all ovarian cancer diagnosis will be advanced.

There is this false belief that people with cancer somehow find a way to live their last years checking off the items on their bucket list.  Well that is great, but it takes money.

I had to go back to work before I could do some of the travelling that I wanted to do.  Now all I can do is just do all I can to keep my little part time job so that I can keep my apartment and car and do little things.  I am not starving, and am getting by, thank God!  But, really?  Is this it?  The rest of my life is going to be spent paying bills to get chemo to live to pay bills to get chemo to live to pay bills.

The extra money (like thousands of dollars and free time) to travel, just be next to a dolphin once, take a month and travel, see a broadway show, take my mom on a short cruise, yada yada yada.....well I'll pry have to write my novel and make the money to do that because what I'm doing now won't cut it.

My point is that if the CA125 had been given to me at the time the oncologist in California denied it, I could have been detected at an earlier stage.  Thusly I would have not had as complicated of a surgery and maybe not needed chemo.  That would in turn have created a body that would be better able to work a higher paying job that could have created a better lifestyle with more flexibility.  I didn't even get a CT scan of my pelvis when I had glaring symptoms!

At the end of the day, the new guidelines say not to screen for ovarian cancer. The result is that insurance companies can now deny payment for legitimate screening tests and women will only be diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer.

I am not being negative, I am saying we need to fight for what we know works!  It will be decades before a blood test is proven reliable.

A PET scan does work and we need them to be readily available and affordable.  That's it, that's the only solution we have that will work until scientists come up with a blood test or something less complex.

PET scans do have some risks, but really it's minor compared to death.

That's where I stand.

Crying all day

Today has been horrible.  It hit me like a brick that being compromised, not able to do all that a person wants to do in life, when it comes to being with the people you love, is just devastating.  I had been crying and crying and crying and praying for God to give my mom just a few days of freedom from her trials and angst.

It all started with the image of my mom being able to drive her grand kids to a vacation park, play in the sand or have a picnic in the mountains.  For some reason this image caused an emotional break today.  A total collapse.

A miracle happened.  She called to say that her kidneys are doing better.  There is a possibility that she may be able to take a break from dialysis.  WOW  Now this needs to be tested and be verified, but even a little break would improve everything.  She is so much healthier since her heart surgery.  I have desperately wanted for her to have some normalcy.  I have been praying and who knows exactly why but this is such great news.  She is still in shock.  This is her above, isn't she so beautiful!!!!!!

When we go out together, and people learn she is my mom, the look at me like I'm lying.  Really?  Really?  They say to her how wonderful she looks!  They always think I'm her sister.

I have been really emotional all day.  AND I have this weird numbness on my face.  I left a message for the gynonc, and I'm sure they will address it.  My right upper gum, part of the right side of my nose has been numb.  This has been since chemo, but it wasn't too noticeable or I thought it would get better.  Not sure.  Maybe it's just a dental issue (I lost a front tooth to chemo about 6 months ago and wear a prosthetic).  Maybe my prosthetic needs to be replaced.  I'm certain that is it............but it's just weird.

I'm feeling trapped and stuck.  I want to fly.  I want to run away.  This news about mom is just so precious and uplifting.

I created a little bluegrass station on Pandora, and I love it.  It's so fun to listen to bluegrass.  It's like so awesome.  It gives me little happies.

I am so so so so so so so so so so so so hugely happy for mom, thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What happened to simplicity?

I am longing for simpler days and simple life.  Longing for less complications with everything from paying bills, grocery shopping, using my computer to just having a cup of coffee.  Everything is so complex and difficult to do these days.

Remember when you were a kids you had a circle of local friends who you went to see?  You rode bikes and played house and played store.  You built far away places by hanging blankets on the clothesline and told spooky stories.  You explored the local field and thought you were in another country.  You went to a friends house and waited for mom to call out your name for all to hear, "Denise come home, dinner's ready!"

I desperately wish that kids today had those "kinds" of days, to play freely and run around the neighborhood.

Every day we are here is a gift and we have to schedule every moment now, all of us do.  There is no waiting until tomorrow to find "a better time" to laugh or shine or cry or do nothing but enjoy the birds singing.

Today is the first day since my second round of carbo-drip desensitization that I have felt good enough to get out and about. It's been tiring but full.  Got to see mom, went shopping and had coffee.  That was super great.  Just to sit at the coffee house and watch people and sip sip sip.  I then did my job from home and am exhausted, but OK.

Do all  cancer patients go through this? Sometimes all I can do is think about my past mistakes and just tear my hair out wishing for second chances or a new opportunity.  But those moments are gone.

I am loved by so many amazing people, but I am not sure I'll ever be able to accomplish anything worthy of being proud.  Just living, literally.  In this world of over achievers and extreme artists, athletes, intellects, scientists, filmmakers, geeks and doctors, I am but a simpleton.  All I have to offer is my heart and I hope that will do.

My not having any children to help me as I age, I fear, has placed a level of worry on others that was never intended.  We never expect ourselves to be "in need".  Luckily I have an amazing family and circle of friends who are willing to help me if I need it.

Never allow a doctor or anyone to tell you not to have children.  I never should have listened to that doctor when I was young, my whole life would be different.  I could have had a normal life and a family.  Some of you may not know this but when I first got arthritis at age 15, my rheumatologist told me not to have kids because I would not be able to take care of them.  Medicine for RA was bad and he may have been right, but that was still my choice to make, and I let him make if for me.  I was never the same after that and was and felt abnormal.  I still cannot get over the irony that I have ovarian cancer when I had been told not to have kids.  If I would have been given the option to remove my ovaries ( especially now knowing that I have the BRCA 1 mutation) I would not have gotten ovarian cancer.

Sorry, I guess I'm not over that ....................sorry for the repetition.  I just don't understand the cruelty.

I didn't want to heal from cancer to be thrown back into the rat race!  I just can't resolve this inner turmoil of needing money to pay bills to exist to pay bills which need money. I don't want all this chemo to be wasted on a life of meaningless daily drills of bills and pills.  I must nourish my creative spirit now.

I am going to write a book, I have a very unique experience that needs to be told, that you don't know about yet..ha ha ha. That is all I have to offer.

That is the only creative thing I can do....my hands are crap, can't paint.  Can't draw, can't sing. but do love to dance.  Seriously, my hands are bad and using them to create won't work.  Maybe I can paint with my feet.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anyway, you may have figured out that chemo has an effect on our emotions and I am praying to make a difference. I tend to ramble when I have so many conflicting emotions inside.

I just wish things could be simple...............I pray each of  you can find peace and simplicity and hang onto it forever.  Love your family more than anything...........

Love and kisses and thanks for putting up with me.......my kitty Marilyn says hi tooooooo

Up for more Carbodrip? Must meet Marilyn first, my kitty cat friend

Before I go into anything serious I just have to share a little video I made of Marilyn.  Marilyn is my new kitty cat, who was previously at a shelter and then a foster-family.  Her foster parents were so nice and took such wonderful care of her.  Marilyn is so sweet and a true little lady.  She is polite and clean and really amazing.  She loves to play with her birdie toy and most of all she loves to be cuddly.  Exactly the kind of cat I wanted.  Being back in Chemo-ville creates a bit of anxiety and expected fears and loneliness.  It’s just part of the overall scope of symptoms of chemo, and cancer.  I believe in the healing powers of pets and the perfect little angel fell into my life. 

My Sweet Marilyn, she is six years old and comes from a foster  family.  Originally found wandering in Seattle, and taken to a shelter.  I am blessed to have my little friend.

 I apologize, I have been trying like crazy to upload several very cute videos of her, but we will have to wait. On my Facebook page there is an adorable play session, and I'd encourage you to check it out.  

I hope that you all had a beautiful Easter Holiday. 

Monday morning I go to the hospital for my second cup of carbodrip, with cream of course.  I have been keeping busy today, reflecting on the message of Easter and feeling warmth knowing that we are in a time of rebirth and renewal.  We have new opportunities to clean up our messes and start fresh.  Isn’t that just amazing?

I was fortunate to go to Easter Vigil on Saturday night.  All I can say is that I really needed to go.  It felt so good and I am so grateful to be here.

I wanted to share with you some of the reasons why people support and have joined the cause 

“Turn Facebook Teal to Heal in September”.  I spent a lot of time on Saturday catching up with the members and sending out a few notes.   

WHY PEOPLE ARE SUPPORTING THIS CAUSE: 

I am a cancer survivor myself and would like to see something done with this silent disease...it has taken so many lives and caused so much pain. I want to do anything in my power to change this and would like the love and support of family and friends to share in the support

I lost my grandmother to ovarian cancer, and would like to make others aware of this terrible disease.

I lost my Aunt to ovarian cancer & I pray every day for a cure so one day no one will ever have to feel the pain of losing the ones they love in such an awful way!!

I am an Ovarian Cancer Survivor. Stage 1a. I am one of the lucky ones. We need to get the word out. Early Detection is key.ave lost way too many friends from the hideous illness called Cancer !!

I lost my mom to ovarian cancer

I am in my 3rd year of remission, always a fighter, I now fight for me and all those still fighting, and for our angels who got wings we will always love and remember the fight you all fought.

I am facing a terminal illness, it is time to act. Get with a program and support it however, you can.

-Carol Lyn Wnuk

Ovarian Cancer took my sister 02/02/2010.

I have seen the human body and spirit ravished by this evasive disease. The cure for Ovarian cancer may open the door to the cure for other dream killing disease within the body. 

Carol Wnuk

I want to raise awareness to help more victims become 

survivors like my sister.

I lost my Mom to Ovarian Cancer and I want to find I way 

to stop it from taking any more amazing women

In support of my dear friend Jessica xo

I am an ovarian cancer survivor of 3 yrs. I want to spread the awareness so no other woman has to suffer from this hideous disease! Lets put teal on the map so everyone knows what this color means without having to ask!!

I am a 25 yr survivor and blessed with a Beautiful 21 yr old daughter.Just wanted to let women 

know you can beat this disease.

CANCER the most hurtful word ever spoken. It takes our loved ones way to soon and it is evil. Lets fight it together and try to beat it the best we can. I love and miss those whom I have already lost due to cancer and DON'T want to lose anymore. 

I shall stand tall!!!!

Because no young girl or woman should go through what I or any other woman has gone through from Ovarian Cancer. 

HELP US BREAK THE SILENCE!

My Mother passed away from Ovarian Cancer at the age of 55..that was almost 1 yr ago. I miss her so much.

I hope to help prevent anyone else from suffering.

These are just some of their heartfelt words......

I'll be in hospital til Tuesday, so long as all goes well.  It will be the same 

de-sensitization treatment as last time.  10 hours of chemo, yay.

 For some reason my CA125 is now 33, but I was told that was a reaction to chemo.  Oh well, that marker is not too reliable for me anyway.

I love my family, friends and followers.  Thank you God for all your gifts and grace.

Love Denise

Prayers for Heidi

http://breastcancerbladdercancer.blogspot.com/

My friends Heidi and Joe Hendricks need your prayers, Heidi's tumor markers have doubled.

They both battle cancer.  The link above may not reflect the latest update, as we just found out.  She has been battling breast cancer for eight years and she is still so strong.  They are a very active couple and have hiked what seems to be every mountain in Washington.  But her cancer has spread and her newest chemo has not worked.  Joe had a recurrence and has an unexpected surgery in the morning.

Please pray for them or send  your healing thoughts......I know some people don't believe in prayer, but none of us know the truth about God.  I never argue with people about God, because it is our individual journey to try to understand what is beyond what we see.

I believe prayers and healing thoughts work.  When my mom was in the hospital, I sent out a prayer request.  Within an hour she was more aware, and coming out of her fog.  Today she has so so much more life in her, and I can feel more health and energy when I am around her.  Maybe it was coincidence, but I just don't believe that.  I love my mom so deeply.

I love you for caring and for reading and for listening.

Heidi and Joe give nothing but love, and I love them.

Love,
Denise

I'll have one grande Carbodrip with cream, to go.

What?  It came back?  Can you repeat that please?

You're not gonna get me!

Getting real with ovarian cancer.

In this dream I was part of some superhuman task team, think "Alias" only my regular body, no amazing pilates body.  Our group was tasked to travel to another planet and board light beams that would take us high into the atmosphere.  The land was dark sienna in color, and each phase of the project took place in an auditorium.  We had to earn our light posts, and to earn them we had to compete against each other in small games.

My game was to see who could draw picture of a displayed make-up kit, in the fastest time.  I was wearing all black, skirt, hose, top, etc and little jacket.  We had cheap little clipboards, and were racing to see who could draw the fastest.  I won, and before I had time to receive an acknowledgement, I was forced to stand on a beam of light.  It was almost like a little hover board, made of light.

I soon found myself absorbed into a long line of others, on their little lights, ascending up way into the stratosphere, into another building.  The building seemed empty at first, but suddenly, I could feel a strong sense of urgency, a need to move quickly, to do something fast.

My hover beam moved me across the floor of the building, and I found myself again at the bottom of an escalator.  This time we were, one by one, slowly moving to the top.

At the top I was in a mall, and an old friend of mine was running, pulling at me to hide.  I ran to what I thought was a safe place, but it turned out that beams of light were coming up from everywhere.  There was no place to hide.

So I ran back to the area atop the escalator and a beam sucked me into it's force.  It shot me further up into the atmosphere, as high as you can imagine. It was my job to grab damaged beams and pull them back down to the main deck.  If I didn't do this fast enough, the force would not allow me to stop at the top, but instead simply eject me into outer space.

Chemo-nightmare

Today is March 19, 2012.  I was officially inaugurated into the chemo cup today with my first emergency room visit after my tasking carboplatin desensitization treatment on March 12, 2012.  I'll call it "carbodrip" for short.

My mom had been in the hospital with severe abdominal pain, just after a recent heart surgery, for 4 days.  She went home today, but I was not really ready to help.  My dear sister was with her from Friday to Sunday, and I stayed last night.

Mom is doing much better, thank you God.  I had a severe bout of abdominal pain on my left side, all over my back, tender to the touch.  My mom's nurse asked me if I was OK this morning, I said "no", and with little convincing, I went to ER at the hospital where mom was receiving treatment.  I wasn't much help today.

Without going into uggy details, I was super-dehydrated and not moving anything.  Super painful.  I was treated so sweetly, and the situation is partly resolved, but I have to drink, drink, drink, drink and take all my supplements from my digestive arsenal.  One of the worst effects of chemo is that it's like drinking cement, and there's nothing to avoid it.

When I got to the hospital on the 12th, I did start to get nervous.  I had really prepared mentally, but I still panicked.  Aside from a really late check in, everyone was nice, I saw my amazing gyn-onc twice.  She assured me I would be OK.

The nurse brought out a tool box full of pre-meds, to include things like epinephrin, benadryl, anti-nausea meds etc.  The process took about 10 hours, starting with teeny tiny injections of carboplatin, gradually increasing to total either 500 or 800 units, while being infused with fluids etc.  Ugh

I got the night sweats and chills so so so so so bad, I was drenched.  I was freeeeeeeeeeezing at one time.  Those are no fun.  My hot flashes have gone into overdrive since this treatment, oh goodie.

I have been medicated to the max this week........when will  poison not be an option????

The anti-nausea meds are great, and they lasted for a few days, but this week has been yucky.  Taste buds out of whack, lots of nausea, not as much fatigue, but definitely tired, and today's wonderful episode.  Forgetting some words, stuttering under pressure and emotional!

I have to thank Keifer Sutherland for "24".  I loved this show and watch re-runs on my roku.  This show is a saving token for me.  I literally forget all my stuff for that time, and just love the story line (not so much the violence).

But my point is that after this first desensitization, I have been crying when Jack Bauer does something honorable, or if a good guy gets knocked off, etc.  Weepy willows.

I'm just starting on this recurrence......hope I'm not a total basket case in 6 months!  Yikes.

Well, don't have to do the carbodrip until April.  Yay.  Thank you God for life, my family, my doctors, my friends, and that I can write about these weird things.  Thank you dear sister for taking me to the hospital and for helping mom when I can't be there.  I love you!

Chemo trip tomorrow eeeeeegads

When we were little, we went to visit my mom's parents in rural northeast Brighton, CO.  Grandma and Grandpa had a little horse farm.  My Grandpa liked to raise thoroughbreds.  I am in the middle of my sister and brother here.  This is their back porch and you can see that we are having a fun time, as always, when we got to go see the horses.  I remember vividly one of the horses was out of the stall, and out of the gate, closely following my mom as she was trying to scurry out of it's way.  Big horse...little mom.  Ha.

My mom always talks about the integrity of her father and how he shaped her to be a strong, compassionate, honest and driven person.  Those traits have kept her alive, especially in the past year.

Mom has another heart surgery this week, so I'm praying for her.  She is in great hands and I know she will do fine.  She is getting one more stent, and she'll be like new again.  Wow, unbelievable recovery.  Thank you all for keeping her in your prayers.  I am very happy that she has such an incredible cardiac team.

My friends Joe and Heidi Hendricks are doing double duty tomorrow.  They are friends on my facebook page and I have their blog linked, "When you both have cancer".  Joe is having surgery because of a cancer recurrence and Heidi will be receiving a very toxic chemo tomorrow.  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

As for me, well, I go into chemo tomorrow.  I have to stay overnight at the hospital because my treatment consists of administering to me a chemo that I'm allergic to.  I am in a recurrence, as you pry know.  The three tumors are active, and my gynecology oncologist believes that Carboplatin is the best medication to treat me.  The process is called "chemo desensitization".

My bone marrow is weak, and I guess I cannot tolerate more than one drug at a time.  Supposedly carbo has the least toxic side effects and fits perfectly to kill off those unfriendly tumors.

So, I'm a little nervous, but I was told I'd be watched like a hawk.  It takes 10 hours just to administer the chemo.

I won't be dragging my heavy laptop around........but plan to give an update wither Tuesday or Wednesday.

My dear sister has been running her behind off helping everyone out.  She is so sweet to take me to the hospital tomorrow....thank you sis!

To all of you my peace and love,

Denise

Cancer is in love with me I guess, it just won't stay away

Please forgive me everyone, but my Cause page to turn Facebook Teal in September is missing from the blog.  The widget is fidgety, I guess.  It will be back soon.

The real reason I am posting is that I will start chemo again on March 12th.  As some of you may know, I had a PET scan on Valentine's Day.  That same day my dear mom had a mild heart attack, and thanks be to God, she is home now and recovering.  sigh

I have been "offline" most of the time since then, I mean, we all pulled together. What an extraordinary ordeal for her, that is a whole other post.  I am so proud of mom and she is here.  I am so happy, we all are.

Well, my gynecology oncologist wanted to see me earlier than this past Friday, but they said I could wait a little because of the urgent matters at hand.

On Friday, it was confirmed that there are three active tumors in my pelvic area.  I have no idea if the fatigue I have been experiencing is a symptom, but it was the first time around.

What is weird, and also good, is that this recurrence comes almost 2 years to the day from the completion of my first series of chemo treatments.  I got 2 years, yay.

The tumors are small though, but are growing and need to be eradicated.  Surgery is not really a good option, because there may be other tiny specs waiting to sprout.  I'm sort of numb and hopeful at the same time.

I think I mentioned beforehand that I am allergic to carboplatin.  Well, the best drug option for me is carboplatin.

I will receive carbo in a desensitized treatment protocol, in the hospital overnight, once per month.  This will last for six months.

I still have lingering chronic side effects from the first go-around, but I think I can handle this.  That is, as long as I don't have a serious allergic reaction.  If I do have a reaction, then the game will change and I don't want to talk about that.  New toxic drug that I may not tolerate either.........naaaa, save that for later.

I have so much faith in my doctor and my treatment team.  I will pry still be able to work part time, I pray.  I need that to pay rent..........so I have to work.

So life keeps moving forward, up then down, out then in, back then forward, and around and around it goes.  This is life for women with ovarian cancer.  This is why raising awareness is so so so so so so so important.  Ovarian cancer sneaks up on you and turns on some kind of chain saw to scare the heck out of you.  You make it through, but it's always hiding in the bushes or around the corner.  For those with advanced stage ovarian cancer, our lives are in a constant flux of chemo/surgery-NED(no evidence of disease)-chemo/surgery-etc and there are no good options other than prayer, supportive people, access to resources, finding really good treatment, and asking God for more days.

So my oncologist says she is very hopeful and confident that I will get another remission.  I believe her and will just accept that to be the case.  The next 6 months are jaunt off on a rocky side road.

I love you all..............will post more on finishing my trial for WALC study too.   Just wrapped that up this weekend.

Most importantly, my mom made it through her horrific ordeal in the hospital and is on the way to recovery. Just one more angioplasty to go..........

Our family is a good family......we just pull together and do what we need to do................

Peace and Blessings to each of you.........

A view worth living for

Mom's view from the hospital room.  Pretty nice huh

I apologize for not posting on any medium for over a week, it's been very hectic at home.  My dear mom had a mild heart attack and serious complications from keto-acidosis.  She has gone from ICU to a regular room and is about to be transferred to a step down rehab center located within a nursing facility.  Wow.

We almost lost mom........it was so scary.

It is a miracle that she has survived.  She had been extremely ill and had not called anyone because she hates to be a bother.  I called her after my PET scan last week and went over right away.  My sister was also calling her at the same time, so we were all in tune with each other.  By the next day she had a stent in her heart and did not get out of ICU for several days.

She is getting back to her old self and miraculously regained her cognitive and physical health.  She was so confused from the acidosis, she didn't know anything about who or where she was.  It was heartbreaking.  Her initial pain from other infections was crazy bad, and thank God she doesn't remember any of THAT.

I have been praying like crazy, and thank God that she has improved.  My sister and I have been keeping vigil, so to speak.  Rotating shifts, communicating needs with doctors and nurses.  My brother came out from Colorado too, which really made mom happy.

I am so thankful that we have all been able to work together to ease mom back into normalcy.  She has a ways to go but is out of the danger zone.  Thank you Lord for saving mom, for giving her family the ability to be here and be watchful eyes and caring voices, to be with her during this time of need.

I also got a copy of my PET results, and am scheduled to see my gynoc on March 2, 2012.  I do have a recurrence.  sigh

So, for now I am doing some research on possible clinical trials.

I have no idea what my gynoc will recommend.  The report says there are at least three new tumors with metabolic activity.

I am focusing on mom right now and am staying positive in that we found these new tumors early.  In my heart I feel like surgery will not be the best option because other implants may exist that could grow at any time.  I'll probably be put on chemo again.  ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

But, really don't know, so it's best not to speculate.

For now, please say a prayer for mom.  We love her so much, she is such a fighter and so darn strong.  She is really motivated to get back home and improve her condition, she wants to be happy and live a normal life.

Thank you to all of you who are new followers on twitter and to those who are joining the Cause to Turn Facebook Teal in September.

God Be with You and Yours.

Love,
Denise