CDC Symptom Diary Card

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

What happened to simplicity?

I am longing for simpler days and simple life.  Longing for less complications with everything from paying bills, grocery shopping, using my computer to just having a cup of coffee.  Everything is so complex and difficult to do these days.

Remember when you were a kids you had a circle of local friends who you went to see?  You rode bikes and played house and played store.  You built far away places by hanging blankets on the clothesline and told spooky stories.  You explored the local field and thought you were in another country.  You went to a friends house and waited for mom to call out your name for all to hear, "Denise come home, dinner's ready!"

I desperately wish that kids today had those "kinds" of days, to play freely and run around the neighborhood.

Every day we are here is a gift and we have to schedule every moment now, all of us do.  There is no waiting until tomorrow to find "a better time" to laugh or shine or cry or do nothing but enjoy the birds singing.

Today is the first day since my second round of carbo-drip desensitization that I have felt good enough to get out and about. It's been tiring but full.  Got to see mom, went shopping and had coffee.  That was super great.  Just to sit at the coffee house and watch people and sip sip sip.  I then did my job from home and am exhausted, but OK.

Do all  cancer patients go through this? Sometimes all I can do is think about my past mistakes and just tear my hair out wishing for second chances or a new opportunity.  But those moments are gone.

I am loved by so many amazing people, but I am not sure I'll ever be able to accomplish anything worthy of being proud.  Just living, literally.  In this world of over achievers and extreme artists, athletes, intellects, scientists, filmmakers, geeks and doctors, I am but a simpleton.  All I have to offer is my heart and I hope that will do.

My not having any children to help me as I age, I fear, has placed a level of worry on others that was never intended.  We never expect ourselves to be "in need".  Luckily I have an amazing family and circle of friends who are willing to help me if I need it.

Never allow a doctor or anyone to tell you not to have children.  I never should have listened to that doctor when I was young, my whole life would be different.  I could have had a normal life and a family.  Some of you may not know this but when I first got arthritis at age 15, my rheumatologist told me not to have kids because I would not be able to take care of them.  Medicine for RA was bad and he may have been right, but that was still my choice to make, and I let him make if for me.  I was never the same after that and was and felt abnormal.  I still cannot get over the irony that I have ovarian cancer when I had been told not to have kids.  If I would have been given the option to remove my ovaries ( especially now knowing that I have the BRCA 1 mutation) I would not have gotten ovarian cancer.

Sorry, I guess I'm not over that ....................sorry for the repetition.  I just don't understand the cruelty.

I didn't want to heal from cancer to be thrown back into the rat race!  I just can't resolve this inner turmoil of needing money to pay bills to exist to pay bills which need money. I don't want all this chemo to be wasted on a life of meaningless daily drills of bills and pills.  I must nourish my creative spirit now.

I am going to write a book, I have a very unique experience that needs to be told, that you don't know about yet..ha ha ha. That is all I have to offer.

That is the only creative thing I can hands are crap, can't paint.  Can't draw, can't sing. but do love to dance.  Seriously, my hands are bad and using them to create won't work.  Maybe I can paint with my feet.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anyway, you may have figured out that chemo has an effect on our emotions and I am praying to make a difference. I tend to ramble when I have so many conflicting emotions inside.

I just wish things could be simple...............I pray each of  you can find peace and simplicity and hang onto it forever.  Love your family more than anything...........

Love and kisses and thanks for putting up with kitty Marilyn says hi tooooooo

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