He invites, it's up to us to respond

I met with my priest yesterday to talk about my shortcomings and how I feel that I am failing God.  I won't give details, except my worries were about my pains and my new boyfriend.  I had promised God that I would serve him in whatever capacity presented of His choosing, because He has left me here for a bit longer.

I was blessed in so many ways with great cancer care day of diagnosis and chemo.  My follow-up is wonderful and I have confidence in my medical team. My family is the ultimate blessing, in ways that cannot be measured. My sister and mom have made ongoing sacrifices, an aunt lends a tender ear.  My brother there to step in on a moment's notice.  My uncle, aunt and cousin calling every week while in chemo.  My dad calling every week. And countless other family and friends.  I feel undeserving.  All Catholics understand this. Yesterday I received a new perspective, the gift of a new light to shine on my life. Taking away that ongoing guilt that hangs and lingers.

It has been presented before by another friend blogger of mine, and here is what the Father said to me.  Cancer being brought by our Lord is a gift.  Not as in "oh lucky me, look what I have".  It is a gift that should be shared with others, to help others with the same fear find comfort in my strength and healing.  And to share how my faith in God, relentless prayer and constant search for His presence kept me always hoping and believing that I would be alright.  He suggested that I become even more active in helping others with cancer.  I have always felt this to be my calling, but exactly how remains the question.

I currently help women who are members of an online ovarian cancer community, but know I can do more.

Now that God has blessed me with a part-time job (not official until the paperwork is signed), I will have the ability to base my energies around that focal point, church and my dear mom. (Mom starting dialysis and it's been an awful struggle, sigh.  Please send prayers).

I believe that once the job training is complete and I have a sort of "routine", I can create more energy to be on God's purpose line.  I have creative ideas, and plan that this will be valuable and beneficial for women with ovarian cancer.  

So we are all invited to join with God, respond to His call and make a better world, but not all do.  I am not to judge who does and does not, for judgement is up to God.  We are all mere mortals doing the best we can, but if we reach out to God and ask for help, we can get what we need.  Sometimes what we need is not what we want or think we want....................always a frustration.

Please have faith.  Trust in God.  I do.  I love my family and friends so much.  Please pray for mom that her doctors guide her intelligently, treat her with great care and that she begins to heal and feel better as she travels the road of dialysis.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

More on brain drain

I can't disclose the source of results for further cognitive testing, but I do have some real problems with my memory.  I had another battery of tests a few weeks ago, and the results are interesting to me.  It's very difficult to explain the gravity of the consequences of this "chemo brain" stuff, but let's just say that I have a whole new appreciation for what once was my persona.

The tests showed that I have fairly good concentration now, but new information kind of disappears into nowhere land.  Not ALL new information of course, but generally new information is hard to recall.  So important events, appointments, recalling things I did last week or even a few days ago, just kind of get all gelled together or lost.

I have started keeping a journal of what I do each day, in terms of activity.  Except I forgot to write in it for the last two days...............HA!

The other thing is that I do have trouble verbalizing my thoughts sometimes, can't generate the "right" word when I'm talking with someone.  It takes me more time to process information, and I can see that for other people this is frustrating.  Sometimes I stutter.  I never stuttered before cancer.

I have had emotional upsets and conflicts with other people at times because I've said the wrong thing, or used poor judgement in a social situation.  I'm poorly understood.  I feel like hiding now, but I won't.  I can't do anything right and still feel like a failure sometimes.

But I am much more hopeful than ever before......I just have to keep on moving, keep going forward.  We all do, for what choice do we have.  Yesterday is gone.

These refined results are good for me to know because I can do more specific things to compensate for my problems.  I get overwhelmed with too many things to do at once..........................blah.

Like today I have a pile of folders that contain "to do" and "job search" etc.  The process of looking for a job, keeping track of my applications, resume submissions, follow-up letters, doing Excel training, looking online for jobs, etc is just a LOT.  I'm finding it takes FOREVER to look around on the net, create my little tickler system, respond to questions etc.  Wow, I can't wait til I actually find work.

I have had four requests for interviews!  Yay.  I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm praying one turns out to be a winner.  I will feel blessed with whatever comes my way.

I have decided to fully disclose my cancer and rheumatoid arthritis to all potential employers.  I have no other way to explain the gap in my resume and my scattered work history.  I'm tired of hiding my disability.

I want to work for someone who actually accepts me in total, no resentment. 

Some of the inquiries are with companies that allow people to work from home.  Fantastic!!!!

I just hope I'l be able to keep up.  I am going on an interview next week for a full time job, in the hopes that maybe they would consider part time.  Not likely, but the job itself would be rewarding. 

One of the other options requires 40 hours week of training for three weeks, for a part time job.   I would really love that job too..............but I am worried that I won't handle the training well.  I mean, that will be really difficult for me to do.  Ugh.....but I have to do it.  I need to push through.

Mom starts dialysis next week, and we have training classes.  I pray deeply that her energy improves with dialysis.  We are going to have some fun tonight, to get her mind off the upcoming change in her life.  This is a big deal, a complete change in lifestyle...........please keep her in your prayers.

My sister has a birthday tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay.  Happy birthday Mandy.  I love you.

Peace and Blessings

Birthdayversary

At the end of July it will be two years since diagnosis.  In March 2012 it will be two years since treatment completion.  Milestones in terms of recovery.

Today, July 2, 2011, is my birthday.  This is the first birthday in Seattle that I felt totally engaged in and part of the celebration.  I know that sounds untrue, but it is totally honest.  I have so much more energy than last year and my body is recovering.  I've decided that the remaining pains and problems will probably be life-long.  For to have a life that is long with this pain is my blessing.......

I had the best time with my MOM, Sister, her husband and their two lovely girls.  We went to a Greek restaurant in Phinney Ridge called Yanni's.  It was delightful.  they cook all meals made to order, fresh food and comfortable, friendly atmosphere.  Beautiful venue, soft blues, nice artwork, clean, Greek music in the background.  I definitely want to go back.

The best part was that everyone enjoyed their meals, laughed and seemed to have a good time.  

The sun was so bright today, it was nice for a change not to worry about a coat. 

 Everything just came together,

My brother called me, my dad, my aunt and uncle, an old boyfriend sent flowers ( don't tell "J")...just kidding.  He is a friend and lives on the other side of the country.

Speaking of "J", things seem to be going well.  We walked around a green lake last week in the evening and had a late bite. Casual but so much fun.  He's so sweet.  Sigh....

My labs are good, 9 of 35 for the CA125.  I have some twinges in lower pelvis and that pesky ongoing abdominal pain that has taken up residence since surgery.  I was told that in that area are surgical clips.  Supposedly surgical clips can become surrounded with scar tissue, and get "inflamed".  Great....sigh  

So my pain is an ongoing issue, plus I get nausea with every single hot flash.........drag to the max.

I have a CT scan next week to rule out recurrence.  If nothing shows, they may refer me for an endoscopy.  I hope we have more conversations as to how to manage the clips.

I don't thing the clips can be removed as they were inserted to block the ovarian arteries. Now that I have no ovaries, there's no need for their blood supply.  But it makes complete sense that these darn clips are causing me pain.  Not sure if anything could ever be done about that........the battle continues always.

Ha...wanna hear a funny.  I got rejected to work in a call center.  How pathetic is that.  I guess I'm not quite the shark they need. Probably all for the better, I'd pry end up hating it, too much stress and rejection.

So the job hunt continues...........................................

I'll send an update on the CT scan.  The main energies in our family are directed to supporting my dear mom right now.  She has surgery in a few weeks and will start dialysis.  It's scary for me, not sure about anyone else.  I want her to do well and pray that she adapts easily to the treatments.  Most of all I pray she feels better and regains her sense of "life" and vigor.  I love you mom!!!!!

Peace and Blessings to all.  Thanks for stopping by!

My dream

I had a really interesting dream last night.  I dreamed about my amazing surgeon, my amazing gynoc, my family and other people I don't know.  It was a celebration, my party, that I no longer had cancer.  

It was fantastic.

Imagine an old french cottage, but it's the size of a huge warehouse.  The cottage house was nestled up in some mountain range and I was frantically trying to prepare food for my guests.  I knew they were coming over to celebrate my recovery, but I had no food to serve.  This was causing quite a panic.

All I had were partial jars of spaghetti sauce (which I rarely buy) and a fondue pot.  I was so stressed because I had all these people over and nothing to serve. Anyway, the place was crowded, laughter all around, everyone was having fun!  My beautiful sister was entertaining everyone with her artwork and she had even designed a fantastic set design for U2.  She had mocked up a miniature set backdrop and was going to enter it into a contest.  Everyone was proud of her work.

My cousin and loving aunt were with me in the kitchen helping with food, the rest of the family and friends were in the living area.  Suddenly my surgeon came in and gave me a big hug and off in the background my gynoc waved at me and gave me a big smile.

My surgeon was wearing a huge fur coat and looked like he was off to go skiing in the alps, funny.  He looked deep into my eyes and said I was going to be OK.  (I can still feel his hug)  It was a great dream.

I see my gynoc's nurse practitioner tomorrow, for a follow up, get a CA125 and physical exam.  I hope my dream is a reality and that things stay good.  I'll let ya know.  Have a great Sunday.

Peace, love and blessings.  

Thank You Cancer Lifeline

I wanted to take some time to thank Cancer Lifeline today.  I have been graced with their help in several ways, and if you are looking for a serious place to donate money, think of Cancer Lifeline.

For the past several months, I have been able to receive free dental care, and let me tell you, that has been a huge savings for me.  Chemotherapy can do a number on your teeth, and through Cancer Lifeline, amazing dentists and dental assistants volunteer their time to help cancer patients maintain healthy teeth.  At the risk of getting too personal, I was unable to tend to my teeth while on chemo and for a while after chemo.  

Several months ago I was referred to their services by a team member of the Survivor program at the SCCA.  The SCCA takes very good care to help patients with aftercare, and the dental referral was part of that ongoing maintenance.  Wow, I couldn't be happier.

The other blessing offered to me has been a recent series of phone calls from a Cancer Lifeline volunteer.  I have the opportunity to talk about my feelings and figure out healthy ways to resolve emotions related to my cancer.  It has really helped me a lot, especially in the past few weeks.  

Cancer is complicated, everyone has their own view on cancer, it's process and an individual's future.  We all want for nothing but great results to come from surgery and treatments, and hopefully that IS the case.  Getting through the process of diagnosis, treatment and recovery comes with all kinds of issues, good and bad.  Cancer Lifeline offers just that, a lifeline.  Check them out and see for yourself.  Maybe you are a cancer patient in the area or a caregiver in need of a little support.  Peace, Love and Blessings

http://www.cancerlifeline.org/

Ovarian Cancer literally bullies it's way around

http://edmonton.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110614/ovarian-cancer-cells-invasion-mechanics-study-110614/20110614/?hub=EdmontonHome

This article and accompanying video is fascinating, scary, potentially a breakthrough in finding the right way to handle ovarian cancer.

Prescription Drug Program

Prescription Drug Program

If you live in Washington, you can get a discount on medications through the Washington Prescription Drug Program. I received this information from helpful people at the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.

I have not used it yet, but I researched one of my medications and there was a very substantial savings. I spent $131 on a new medication this weekend, ouch! I had to put it on a credit card. I have been stressed out because the monthly cost will be $200, and it's a very important prescription.

 I WAS DEBATING TO DISCONTINUE THE MED......

When I asked DVR for help, they e-mailed me this resource. It's free and worth a look.

I literally do not have the money for my latest med, so this is so helpful. I'm still waiting on a decision from SSDI to get my payments up to what should be allowed, sigh.

I like this because it's a good example of how asking for help can be a good thing.

I don't always ask for help in the right way, or I ask the wrong people, or whatever. Hopefully this will help some of you. If you don't live in Washington, I hope that your state has a similar program.

Peace and Blessings,

Denise

Boot Scootin' along

A sprained ankle!  Welcome to the real world.  I fell off a curb the other night, and this is my reward.  I've never had a sprained ankle in my life, and now I get one....HA.  The curb was only a few inches high, but it was covered with leaves and little branches etc.  I had no clue that a curb even existed until I found myself tumbling to the ground, of course in S-L-O-W motion.  I could walk on it but it hurt.  "J' was walking with me and he was so sweet, he said he wished he'd held onto me.  We had been holding hands, but had let go right before I fell............sigh.

At 3am I found myself crawling across the floor to get some ice because I couldn't walk on my right leg.  The  next morning I was still crawling around because I couldn't put any weight on my foot at all.  My insurance company told me that they preferred I go to my PCP instead of ER.........so mom and I took a cab ride to the PCP.  They did Xray and found no fractures, thank God.

The thing is that it was great to have mom there with me, I really needed help.  AND it was sort of a refreshing change of pace to see a doctor for something normal.  No major episodes of anything tragic or cancer related, just a sprained ankle. Not that I'm happy to have a sprained ankle, but it was just nice to have something simple for a change.  

The doctor, the nurses, the techs were all so so nice.  Wow, that was great!!!!

Plus, we are changing my antidepressant now....yay.  Going to ween off of Paxil and start Effexor.  Hoping that this change will decrease my drowsiness and help me to get up earlier in the day.  Really need to be able to function on 8 hours of sleep versus 12.  Getting back into a normal life will demand that.

Thank you to my friends and previous co-workers who have given me permission to have future employers contact them for references!!!!  Really need THAT.

Please follow my sister on her Weathered Silo Blog, just to the left here of my blog.  http://www.weatheredsilo.blogspot.com/

I have seen her beautiful paintings and they took my breath away.  She really is talented.  I can't wait for her to start selling her work.  

My brother was chosen to coach a hockey team and they will be travelling out of state to compete in some championship competitions.  Yay for him.

My cousin Tammy is having her baby shower this weekend...yay.  My aunt and uncle are so excited!!!!

And my mom is having a good day today....yay.

Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sufferers of ovarian cancer get new hope - Chronicle News - News from @EveningChron

Sufferers of ovarian cancer get new hope - Chronicle News - News from @EveningChron

Some of you may find this really helpful to your cancer care. Peace and Blessings to you all!

Nightmares and job hunting

My mood is edgy, angry a bit, overwhelmed and begging for an answer to my "why".  I met with my vocational developer today to start the process of actually applying for new jobs.  It was as if nothing I'd said before about my needs, wishes, accommodations and preferences was heard.  I know it was, it's just that the reality of job hunting is not soaking in like a smooth bubbly bath, more like a how a hard wave of water slaps you in the face, ouch.

Speaking of water, before I get into the hurdles for today, I have to tell you about ongoing dreams that I've been having lately.  For the past few nights I have been dreaming that I am staying at this luxury hotel, sounds great right, except that everything that happens is weird and spooky.

Last night I jumped into the deep end of the spa pool feet first, and never touched bottom.  I remember feeling the rush of water sweeping upward along my body, desperately searching for the edge, to stop or spring up.  I can't remember how I surfaced, but I eventually did.  I thought I was going to drown. Then I was in a getaway car and one of my little nieces was in the driver seat.  She was laughing and having a ball driving this huge car, and I was hiding from an ex-boyfriend.  Then suddenly my sister and her husband lived in the luxurious hotel, and I was shown into the massive kitchen.  

The kitchen was made of all 1" square old fashioned blue tiles, everything was the same color, including the food and sink.  Then her husband offered me some licorice covered with frosting. My sister welcomed me for a tour, but I woke up before it started.

I have no clue what any of this means.

Some of you may know that I am one of many women who were misdiagnosed and because of stupid doctors in California, I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of ovarian cancer.  Being forever grateful to God for my excellent surgery and chemo, I am lucky to be alive.  

To get to the point of today, I'm lucky to be alive, but feel like I have no control over what is left of my future.  I am doing OK with cancer so far, NED.  

If I want to be able to live independently, I'll need more income.  If I want to enjoy life and take a trip, I'll need more money.  If I want to give at Christmas, I'll need more money.  You see where I'm going here.

Today, my job developer pulled several possible job opportunities that she thought would suit me.  All of them are too far away, some only paid $10, most have expectations I cannot do or require skills I don't have.  Her approach is more like tossing a bunch of spaghetti on the wall and seeing what sticks.  My approach is to be laser focused so I'm not running around with my head cut off.

She is right, I just need to get out there and apply.  She guaranteed me that she will be my advocate and help me with accommodation requests etc, AND she can help communicate with the human resources department once I've submitted an application to help move the process along.

I am very lucky to have this kind of support,  I have fought very very hard to receive it.

My question is this:  Why is someone who has a high risk of recurrence being forced to go back to work?  Why can't I just ask the lousy gynecologist who ignored my symptoms, and didn't do a bi-manual pelvic exam, to give me money to live on so I can be happy?  Oh I forgot, he isn't held accountable for ruining my life.  (At least that's how I feel at this second........)

How do cancer survivors travel the world?  I'll never see that day.

My job developer is trying to understand, she knows I just want a job where I come home and feel good about what I did at the end of the day.  I don't want it to be more than 15 minute commute, because it's only part time.  I get tired, I get exhausted.  I don't want a long commute for a part time job, unless it pays really really well.  I'd love to work for an organization that helps people with cancer.

Hence, why am I being treated like I'm asking for the world when I say I want to to work from home, no sales.  Is that too much to ask?  PLUS, a job working from home allows me to work while on treatment if I have a recurrence, so that I can keep money coming in.  Geeze.

I hate this, competing with able bodied people who can burn the midnight oil.  I can't.......never could.

I don't deserve this ongoing heartache. I'm physically and emotionally spent when it comes to jobs and job hunting.  I don't want to play games, I just want to do worthwhile work and in the process of doing so, do that work in such a way that it doesn't kill me by stressing me out or exhausting the heck out of me.  Again, I ask too much.

Ever since I lost my career in the mid 1990's I have been struggling so badly and when I got cancer I had a good job with benefits, and had to move to Seattle.  I had no choices here.  For most of those other years I rented rooms in people's homes because I couldn't afford my own apartment, California is expensive.  I lived like a gypsy.  I don't want to be a gypsy any more.  

I am starting over again and hating it.  But I will pull through somehow, with the Grace of God.  Life could be worse, so I know I'm much better off than a lot of other people.  I do know that.....I just want a break.

Peace

The FUTURE OF SURVEILLANCE?

Medical News: Group Issues Gyn Cancer Follow-Up Guidance - in OB/Gyn, General OB/GYN from MedPage Today

I pray that women with gynecological cancers will be able to continue to receive their cancer surveillance services from gynecological oncologists. If the information in the article comes to fruition, your primary care doctor, the one who missed your cancer in the first place, will be responsible for monitoring for possible recurrence in the future.

What What What What What

How tragic ......

I don't know how to stop this ball from rolling but we all must pay attention to this possible trend.

Remember Ovarian Cancer and Dr. Oz

I'm thinking out loud here...........

Why is the medical training segmented into body systems versus body regions?  I ask this because this "systems" frame of reference is probably one of the biggest reasons ovarian cancer is often detected in an advanced stage, if at all.

I attended a very informative survivors course on May 20th designed to help ovarian cancer survivors better heal, understand this illness and look for ways to start to move forward with their lives.  I enjoyed it and was fortunate to hear my gynoc speak, she did amazing.  I met some women from my online ovarian cancer support group, yay.  Overall, I learned a lot, walked away with good resources, and made new friends.

Dr. Goff presented incredible research done on early detection of ovarian cancer.  But we are really still in the research stage.  Of course I can't remember all the details and left my notes in another place, but it's safe to say that Ovarian Cancer researchers are aggressively testing for valid and reliable early detection methods.    It's on the agenda and we must continue the fight.

So at the end of the day, the best mechanisms for early detection are for women to pay attention to their bodies, look for early signs of ovarian cancer and tell their doctors what's going on. Then we need to depend on the physician to know what tools are needed to accurately detect what illness is present, and know then how to properly treat the illness. Is it IBS or ovarian cancer?  We are constantly amazed at how frequently a woman with deadly ovarian cancer is told she probably has IBS and almost dies.

So what about women who aren't even aware of the symptoms?
What about women who have few or no hard symptoms?

We pray for good doctors.  If a female has an under-informed or misinformed or outright negligent primary care doctor or regular gynecologist, please pray for her.  

If you know my history, you know what I'm talking about.  Here's a reminder.....early symptoms for me were low back pain, cruel/severe abdominal pain, whacky periods........eventually bloating, even more abdominal pain, unable to eat real food, getting full quickly, problems with urination ( I was told to do kegel exercises).

All of these symptoms occur in the abdominal and pelvic region of a woman's body.

BUT, instead there are multiple doctors evaluating the same region of your body, all looking at different systems. Not ONE, not ONE detected my ovarian cancer early.  Early detection rarely occurs.  

I went from PCP to regular gynecology to gastroenterology and even oncology.  The last gynecologist who treated me in California never did a bi-manual pelvic exam.  I was having problems.  I'll always wonder if he could have detected it early....

The gastroenterologist did a colonoscopy/endoscopy and found nothing.

My PCP was worthless, and said it was up to the specialists to figure it out.  She's the one who told me to do kegel exercises for my urinary frequency.  Meanwhile I was having other problems....ugh

And, I'll remind everyone I was told by at least three doctors I was too young to have ovarian cancer.  One oncologist (who only saw me one time) told me he chose not to do a CA125 test on me because of my rheumatoid arthritis.  Since I was told I was too young to have ovarian cancer, I actually believed them.

Again I thank God that He sent me an excellent surgeon and then an excellent gynoc in Seattle.  It's like finding the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

So here's my solution.  Instead of a million doctors looking at different systems in the same region, lets have a few specialists look in the abdominal as a whole and see how things work together for a change.

If medical care was based on regions, then all the organs and tissues in THAT region would be analyzed.  It doesn't mean that the doctors couldn't incorporate their comprehensive system knowledge, it just makes diagnosis more efficient.  I think we assume that the PCP is supposed to wear this hat, be the central information communicator.  Alas the PCP seems to have been reduced to a referral agent.  I hate to say it but they don't seem to know as much as they used to, maybe that's all in my head.

In other words maybe a new area of medicine is necessary, an abdominal cavity specialist.  Not to detract or add to the multitude of specialists already in existence, but in the case of ovarian cancer, the symptoms show up when the tumor grows large enough to negatively impact other "systems".  It impinges on say the ureter or the bowel or some other organ nearby.  It is then that we know something isn't right.

You would think that logic would dictate that because the ovaries are hidden, that doctors would be MORE aware of ovarian cancer, because they should be aware of hard to detect illnesses/diseases as well as easily detected diseases.  It's like the medical community only wants the easy patients sometimes.  How harsh us patients must be if we were to expect a gastro doc to be aware that ovarian cancer symptoms are similar to IBS.  We are demanding aren't we....

So at the end of the day, we as women need to tell the doctors we might have ovarian cancer.  Unless you are favored by God to have an amazingly bright and informed physician who remembers ovarian cancer, you may get misdiagnosed.  

ALL WE ARE ASKING DOCTORS TO DO IS TO REMEMBER OVARIAN CANCER.  THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK IS IT????

In the mean time, please link to Dr. Oz show as he is taking the daytime TV show lead to help teach women the signs of ovarian cancer.  Dr. Goff is also on his show.  She provides valuable and lifesaving information and explains very clearly how dedicated she is to ending this deadly disease. She also reveals new research in the field of ovarian cancer, please watch the program. 

http://www.drozfans.com/dr-ozs-advice/dr-oz-ovarian-cancer-symptoms-warning-signs/

Please......

REMEMBER OVARIAN CANCER

Peace and Blessings

Dear Cathy Rest in Peace

I have to take a deep breath because I'm about to write a difficult blog.  Our beloved online teal sister 

Cathy A. has left our earthly world and has moved on to a much better place.  

She is now with God, resting and hopefully smiling.

When I first joined this online community of amazing people, Cathy was more than likely the one to post a funny story or joke, to help us heal through laughter.  She was gifted, blessed and very generous with her humor.  I always enjoyed her posts and looked forward with great anticipation to reading her quirky notes.

She fervently raced after a clinical trial, but only God knows why her road was rocky.  Although I never met her, she will forever be in my memory as an unselfish and graceful woman who fully gave of herself for the betterment of others.  As I was saying goodbye to my little bee, her dear family was saying goodbye to her.  She went home, and is no longer in pain.

Rest in Peace dear Cathy.  I pray for your dear husband and family.  May God hold you gently in his arms.

When bees say goodbye

I was captured today by the behavior of two little bees, one alive and one who was no longer living.  I spotted these beautiful little critters on the back patio landing that leads our steps to the rickety basement.  The basement is not finished, but exposed and houses the laundry area.  I had taken some clothes downstairs for the first of several runs of laundry and upon coming up to the ground level, there they were, this lovely pair of bees.  I had  intended to write today about my seminar, but this story tells us about what I learned most from the seminar.

At first the bees were hard to see, with the old cement, moss, tiny pebbles and what not.  But as I bent down to take a closer look, I saw one on it's side, not moving and the other passifying and tending to what seemed to be a dear friend.  I know absolutely nothing about bee behavior and did a quick search so that I could find some substantial information about what I saw, but really found nothing.

As soon as I saw the bees, I sat down on a step and watched, and gazed and wondered and almost felt the pain of the living bee.  I felt so bad, and wanted to do something to help it, but couldn't.  Since having cancer, I have found myself much more sensitive to animals in general, I just feel them in a different way than before.  They have spirits and are not just nerves and tissue.  For example, just last night a raccoon was on our roof, and upon it seeing me looking at him, walked from the edge of the house to an area just above the door and he just stared at me.  I could feel him and wondered, wow, and oh no...is this bad or good.  Either way, it was a being, not just an animal. (I've always believed all animals have spirits, it's just that now that sense is much more intensified.)

After sitting outside for a bit, I did a small search on the internet.  I did read that sick bees are either taken from a hive or take it upon themselves to leave the nest when they are sick, so as not to infect the rest of the bees.  It preserves the overall health of the nest and prolongs the hive's life.  I wonder if this is what had happened to the poor little bee.  Maybe the caretaker followed the bee to be with him during his last moments.

As I sat there outside on the step, I actually took the back of my hand and stroked the back of the caretaker bee. Before I did this though, I hesitated a bit because I thought, "don't do that, it's silly and it'll probably sting me".  Well, it didn't sting me or anything really.  It was focused on it's friend.  It just moved it's antennae  and continued to keep doing it's business.  The caretaker bee was stroking the dying bee with it's antennae, slowly moving around, seemingly to sniff and touch and massage it.  It was just fascinating. I have never seen anything like this anywhere. 


The caretaker bee was not in any way hurting the other bee.  The caretaker bee was literally taking it's antennae and touching the other bee in multiple places, as if to comfort it.  This went on for over an hour.

As I sat there, mesmerized by this activity, I started to think about what motivates a bee to do this. Why would a bee spend so much time taking care of another bee, who was obviously either dead or almost dead. I thought about love and how we, as humans, need love to thrive and to "be" and without love we could literally die of deep depression or other ailments.

I thought about how nature instills this loving instinct in all of us and why does this survival mechanism get bogged down and altered in humans.  

Well during this time I went back inside to call my dear Aunt who is having a minor surgery tomorrow,  to wish her well.  I went back outside when our conversation ended, and the caretaker bee was gone.  All that was left was the tiny body of the other bee, lying there still and in peace.  The space suddenly felt empty, and a feeling of loneliness swept over me.

So I stood there, quiet for a moment, and then moved the bee to the soil. I felt compelled to honor this little creature so I placed a few tiny rocks around it's body.  

At the seminar this past Friday, I felt lots of love in the room.  It was a course for ovarian cancer survivors, sponsored by the Foundation for Women's Cancer:

http://www.foundationforwomenscancer.org/

What I really learned at the seminar is that we all need to care for each other, care about each other, and pray for one another.  It is in this that we heal.

May you rest in peace little bee friend.  Thank you for reminding me of what love means, for without it, there's nothing.  To my readers, love your neighbors as you love yourself.  


Peace and Blessings to you.

Joy comes from all kinds of places

My JOYS for today:

1.  Playing a new game with Addie, she always wins no matter what.  I want to be a kid again, don't you?

2.  Just seeing my sister, gives me relief.  She came by with Addie Her daughter) today for a short visit, and it was just blissful.  Don't ask me what frog juice is, but I can tell you finding it is fun. I am thankful that she has a beautiful life with Patrick and the girls, it makes me feel secure.

3.  Seeing mom's huge smile when they were here just spontaneously having fun.

4.  Remembering the smile on my mom's face when my brother called Sunday morning.  And then I think about his beautiful children and I can't stop smiling.

5.  Remembering the smile on my mom's face when she talked with her brother today.  His son got a job in the airline industry, yay for him.

6.  Weeding (thank goodness the soil is really damp).  It brings you literally down to earth, you forget problems and enjoy the sun, the dirt, the green, and just working the soil.  I'll pay for it tomorrow for sure.

7.  Remembering being at karate last week with Mandy and the girls, what fun.

8.  Remembering going to Tammy's wedding two years ago, (almost) and now she's about ready to have her baby.

9.  Remembering the smile on my mom's face and the huge roar of laughter each time she talks with her sister Deb, it's fun to listen, mom has a great laugh.

10. Remembering the surprise and joy mom felt when she got a little blankie from her other sister Bern.

11.Remembering the soft little kiss from "J".  Now what am I going to do?  

12.  The most joy was the elated feeling I get from going to church, spending special time with God, praying for my family, medical team, friends, ovca sisters and the homeless. Knowing dad's OK.  Thank you God for all your help this week.

Peace, Blessings and all my Love to you