CDC Symptom Diary Card

Saturday, July 09, 2011

More on brain drain

I can't disclose the source of results for further cognitive testing, but I do have some real problems with my memory.  I had another battery of tests a few weeks ago, and the results are interesting to me.  It's very difficult to explain the gravity of the consequences of this "chemo brain" stuff, but let's just say that I have a whole new appreciation for what once was my persona.

The tests showed that I have fairly good concentration now, but new information kind of disappears into nowhere land.  Not ALL new information of course, but generally new information is hard to recall.  So important events, appointments, recalling things I did last week or even a few days ago, just kind of get all gelled together or lost.

I have started keeping a journal of what I do each day, in terms of activity.  Except I forgot to write in it for the last two days...............HA!

The other thing is that I do have trouble verbalizing my thoughts sometimes, can't generate the "right" word when I'm talking with someone.  It takes me more time to process information, and I can see that for other people this is frustrating.  Sometimes I stutter.  I never stuttered before cancer.

I have had emotional upsets and conflicts with other people at times because I've said the wrong thing, or used poor judgement in a social situation.  I'm poorly understood.  I feel like hiding now, but I won't.  I can't do anything right and still feel like a failure sometimes.

But I am much more hopeful than ever before......I just have to keep on moving, keep going forward.  We all do, for what choice do we have.  Yesterday is gone.

These refined results are good for me to know because I can do more specific things to compensate for my problems.  I get overwhelmed with too many things to do at once..........................blah.

Like today I have a pile of folders that contain "to do" and "job search" etc.  The process of looking for a job, keeping track of my applications, resume submissions, follow-up letters, doing Excel training, looking online for jobs, etc is just a LOT.  I'm finding it takes FOREVER to look around on the net, create my little tickler system, respond to questions etc.  Wow, I can't wait til I actually find work.

I have had four requests for interviews!  Yay.  I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm praying one turns out to be a winner.  I will feel blessed with whatever comes my way.

I have decided to fully disclose my cancer and rheumatoid arthritis to all potential employers.  I have no other way to explain the gap in my resume and my scattered work history.  I'm tired of hiding my disability.

I want to work for someone who actually accepts me in total, no resentment. 

Some of the inquiries are with companies that allow people to work from home.  Fantastic!!!!

I just hope I'l be able to keep up.  I am going on an interview next week for a full time job, in the hopes that maybe they would consider part time.  Not likely, but the job itself would be rewarding. 

One of the other options requires 40 hours week of training for three weeks, for a part time job.   I would really love that job too..............but I am worried that I won't handle the training well.  I mean, that will be really difficult for me to do.  Ugh.....but I have to do it.  I need to push through.

Mom starts dialysis next week, and we have training classes.  I pray deeply that her energy improves with dialysis.  We are going to have some fun tonight, to get her mind off the upcoming change in her life.  This is a big deal, a complete change in lifestyle...........please keep her in your prayers.

My sister has a birthday tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay.  Happy birthday Mandy.  I love you.

Peace and Blessings

1 comment:

  1. My hubby is on dialysis (a year now) and doing well. He has a fistula that took months to mature, but finally is able to use it and it has helped tremendously.

    As for the chemo-brain stuff! You express yourself so well in writing. And by the smile on your face, I'll bet you do well face-to-face, too.

    I love your sentence, "I have a whole new appreciation for what once was my persona." Ha. made me laugh on that one. I miss my old self but I'm getting pretty comfy with my new self. And grateful to be here. I was probably too smart for my britches before anyway. lol

    I did have a minor brain fart last week while teaching a women's Bible class in a small county jail. The women were so's the first time that has happened...I just blanked out on my next thought and had to stagger for a half minute to get myself back where I left off.


Thank you for giving to me your precious time. I look forward to what you have to say. Peace and Blessings, Always.