Moments go by and off we go

RIP to my dear cancer sister, Daria Maluta.  You were a brave and articulate compassionate soul, striving to help all your cancer sisters.  Just a few weeks ago you were set to participate in a new clinical trial and suddenly things changed.  You had so much grace, and worked so hard to tell us how you lived.  You really cared about everyone around you................

I am deeply saddened by the loss of another sister to cancer.  "Why" will never be answered.

All we can do is all we can do, to breathe love in and out and around to those we love.

My precious sister and I spent some time last night just talking over coffee while her kids were at karate practice.  It felt so incredible to just talk and share and see her smile.  I pray every day for God to grant my family the ability to share joy with each other and others in the world.

God Bless you all.

Love,
Denise

Breast health and voc rehab update

Today I went to the SCCA for a thorough breast exam.  The results were good, the nurse practitioner found no unusual bumps or issues.  Next appointment should be around March, to include a mammogram.  She asked me if I was ready to discuss prophylactic mastectomy due to the BRCA1+ mutation.  I'm not ready yet for that, that's all I could say.  For now I'm just grateful to be without noticeable change, and free to forget about it for a few months.

I saw State DVR rep yesterday.  We also had a representative from Harborview Med Center there, to talk with me about a comprehensive vocational evaluation.  The CVE will be a better test than working in the community for a few weeks under constant supervision with constant testing.  I am so relieved.

Next week I will begin the testing, starting next Wed afternoon.  It'll take 3 - 4 hours to complete the first part of the test.

I don't know too much what to expect, but do have a general idea of what it could be due to my own work history.

This is a hard week for my cancer friends, several going back in hospital, and two on home hospice.  Things seem to turn so quickly in cancerland.  Even when you are well, suddenly from nowhere it comes again.

Please pray for them and pray for my mom, that her kidneys recover and that her diabetes stabilizes.

I love my family so much.  My brother and sister are rocks........My aunt and uncle beach rocks.....

Love,
Denise

Cancer lifeline

Today I was blessed with the opportunity to see the dentist through the Cancer Lifeline in Seattle.  The program offers low cost or free dental care to cancer patients, who would otherwise not be able to receive dental care.  I found out about the program through Survivor program with Lance Armstrong Foundation.  I was so lucky.  I had a cleaning, tooth fixed, simple x-rays and was treated with so much compassion.  It was truly amazing.

I have only 4 cavities that need filled (one bad) and get to go back in March.  I truly was expecting more cavities because it has been so long since I've been to the dentist.

Lot's of newer research can show correlation between dental health and overall health.  Now that I'm NED, I need to do everything I can to treat my body well, and be "healthy".  I never know what my life will really be.

Two of my OCA sisters are really struggling.  Shopping Karma and Shades of Blue, please pray for them.  Their painful struggle with cancer recurrence always gives me pause.  Daria from Living with Cancer is also going through it and could use our prayerful thoughts.

Today I pause to remember my blessings.

I'm fielding prayers for mom.  She will be starting dialysis sometime soon, and she is still absorbing it all.  I will be here to do whatever it takes to make her happy.  I have such a loving and caring family, and I know it'll all be OK.....it has to be.

Love.
Denise

CA 125 now 12

Today I feel a little better.  I just have to let go of expectations for my life.  I really just want to help my family, that's all.  I want to be able to take care of myself, that's all.  I don't need to travel the world, I don't need to win a million dollars, I don't need to climb a mountain, I don't need to do anything spectacular.

I just want to feel love and give love. 

My CA125 is rising slightly, now 12.  The nurse said that the last time it was also 12, I thought it was 10.  Confused a bit on that.

I am trying not to worry, under 30 is normal.  But a slow steady rise is not comfortable.  I just have to let it go, I have too many other things to take care of and I can't do anything about it anyway.

I just hate the feeling of instability.

I want to know where I'll be in six months or a year.  I want to just have stability.

I sent my medcal appointment schedule to DVR today, and I meet with them again on the 24th of Feb for benefits meeting.  That seems so far away.

My white counts are low again.  It's getting time for a neulasta shot.........

Anyway,

Have a good weekend.

whatever

Pleasantly surprised to find that the seasons channel on cable is still playing Christmas music..yay.  Anyway, I wanted to share up to dates on health, work progress, help needed, etc.  My body feels "OK" and I think the new supplements and cantelope are helping my belly.  My nausea is not as strong, still every day, but more manageable.......which gives me great hope.

First, since I've been battling cold with strong cough, I had to reschedule the psyche appointment.  I hope to see them this month.  I really do need at least one visit, especially after I finsih telling you about my appointment with voc rehab.

Second, went for CA125 lab and port flush yesterday.  I asked them to pull a CBC because it's time to get my WBC counts..........so we'll see.  I'll know all that in a few days.

Third, I see the breast nurse practitiioner at end of month for thorough breast exam....for BRCA1 mutation maintenance.  Let's hope all goes well and no lumps please.

Fourth, voc rehab is driving me crazy.  I met with "G", nice enough young man.  He claims he never received my medical records until lately.  But after I asked him to look, they were stamped as having been received by end of October. WHEN IM MET WITH THE FIRST PERSON IN EARLY OCTOBER, I SAID I HAD RESOURCES TIL END OF JANUARY, THEN THAT WAS IT. 

Well, here we are and the next step is for me to do a community based trial work for 2-3 weeks, unpaid.

The want to see if I' ready to return to work.  The problem is that "G: didn't even know what skills I had or anything.  Plus, I already said that going back to my original type of work was bad because my arthritis is worse since my cancer.  I can do spurts of things, like wash car, or clean room, or move small piece of furniture......but working 8 hours per day filing or typing is way different.  I need a new career!!!!!!!!!!!

ASSUMING I LIVE long enough to graduate!

I hate these people.  They have it all backwards and are not geared for cancer patients.  I only earn 626 per month on disability.  I just need a fricken part time job that won't kill me, and have that for a bit to build up my tolerance.  Then I want to do some training to see about working at home!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I go back on chemo, which I probably will have a recurrence, than I can work from home.

Why is this so hard to understand?????????????????????????????????????????

Plus mom wants me to move out soon, she will be starting some serious health treatments and would prefer to be alone.  I can understand that, but she'll need some help.....

I just don't understand why she won't just let me help for a while when I'm working part time, so that I'm there in case she needs someone and I'm then able to build up residual to move out.

No, now I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'll keep looking for part time work along with the millions of other people.............I hate this fucking disease.  Meanwhile the bitch who misdiagnosed me is earning a healthy stocky MD figure living the high life.  Fuck her.

Lost

Joyous Year ahead for 2011

At least for this we pray............what a great idea "happy new year".  Well I am hopeful for an even better 2011.  That's about the best I can do, for a resolution maker I am not.  Plus, I'm starting it off with a cold and was in bed by 10pm.  I did get to have fun watching Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper do their fun little show.  I think they should get together.......despite any rumors about AC.  I think he's fabulously handsome. 

They make the perfect couple.

Anyway, onto more serious topics, like LIVING.  Having been graced with the opportunity to talk with a few friends over New Years Eve really brightened my day and reminded me that friends can be the cornerstone for living long healthy lives.

My mom and I were talking about this for most of the day.  The most important loss she has sustained in moving to Seattle was the loss of close friends to "be with".  Seattle is not an easy place to get to know new people.  Everyone's covered from head to toe in rain gear, and running.  It's hecka heck to drive around out here, it's like living in a maze.  A lot of effort goes into planning a car trip across town, just a drag.  So it's hard to meet new people,

I go to Church and for the most part I relish in the opportunity to say hello, offer Peace, and be surrounded with a strong sense of community.  It lifts me to talk with God in his house.  Not everyone goes to church though, not everyone wants to go to a community center, or support group.  Somehow though, someway, we must find more ways to create meaningful healthy relationships with others, others who really do care.

The whole "It takes a village" thing is true.  AND, when we are receivers, we also need to be givers.  Maybe not all at the same time, but it's healing to be giving.  I always find ways to give with prayer when I am ill.  But I want to do more.  All of us can give with our prayers.

I really want to engage in a non-profit or start a non-profit to help women with ovarian cancer.  Maybe it will hone in on the needs of single women.  Single women who get cancer are really in a challenging place because although she may have good family and friends to help, the constant "partner" isn't there by her side to help with the details and daily things that are personal.

When you have cancer, sometimes all you want is just someone to hold you for a while. 

That being said, my hope is that for you the year 2011 brings riches in friends, family, jobs and community.  May the Lord Bless your home with Love and Peace.

Happy New Year,

Denise

CNET article about breath sensor spotting cancer!

0. Home

Breath sensor could offer on-the-spot cancer report

December 28, 2010 7:43 PM PST

Posted by Edward Moyer

Researchers say they've used nanoparticles to create a material sensitive enough to analyze a patient's breath in real time and detect indicators of cancer, diabetes, and other diseases.
In a statement released today, scientists at Purdue University and the National Institute of Standards and Technology said that though diagnostic breath-analysis tools have been around for several decades, this is the first time a material has been developed that's sensitive enough to deliver on-the-spot results.
"We are talking about creating an inexpensive, rapid way of collecting diagnostic information about a patient," Carlos Martinez, an assistant professor of materials engineering at Purdue, said in the statement. "It might say, '... you are metabolizing a specific compound indicative of this type of cancer,' and then additional, more complex tests could be conducted to confirm the diagnosis."
These sorts of breath-analysis tools detect changes in electrical resistance or conductance as a gas--i.e., the patient's breath--passes over sensors. The changes can point to the presence of "biomarkers," substances that serve as red flags for various ailments and physical conditions.
The Purdue and NIST technologists basically produced a more effective sensor by increasing its surface area. They replaced a flat surface with a material created using a coating of metal oxide nanoparticles, which introduced lots of nooks and crannies, and made for an extremely porous metal-oxide film.

Replacing a flat surface with a porous one lets researchers increase the "active sensing surface area" to improve sensitivity.

(Credit: Purdue University and NIST)

They then used the material to detect acetone, a biomarker for diabetes, in a gas that mimicked a person's breath. They were quickly able, they said, to pick up on biomarkers in the parts per billion to parts per million range--at least 100 times better than earlier breath-analysis tools.
"People have been working in this area for about 30 years but have not been able to detect low enough concentrations in real time," Martinez said. "We solved that problem with the materials we developed, and we are now focusing on how to be very specific, how to distinguish particular biomarkers."
"The fact that we were able to do this in real time is a big step in the right direction," Martinez said, though tools like this for real-world use are likely a decade away, if not longer, in part because precise manufacturing standards haven't been developed for the new approach.

0. Home

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Read more: http://m.news.com/2166-12_3-20026726-247.html#ixzz19TX7em81

Job hunting for the weary

Hello all,

Well, today I emaild 5 resumes along with cover letters to small business around Queen Anne and Seattle.  Most were part time office assistant positions, which

I should be able to manage.

I don't expect any responses, just know I need to do this every day now.

I am so worried.  Today I had a wave of nausea overcome me for an hour, even after taking medications.  This is concerning because I hope I will be able to keep up in a new job setting, no matter what it is.

My state DVR counselor (different from University Dept of Medicine counselor) said he's still not sure if I'm able to work yet, but does encourage PT work.  I need the income for sure, so I am happy to do all I can do to find work.

It's really only been in the last few weeks that I can honestly say I "feel" ready to do something Part time.  It's this nausea........overall it's getting better, but if I am in a public setting (work or not) and it hits me, I literally have to stop and sit or lay down, take pills and just breathe.  That's probably not going away any time soon.  Plus, my arthritis, who knows how that will respond. 

Anyway, I don't want to be a bum, and I can't sustain myself on $626 per month.  I have resources to continue through January, but I must have a job by end of January.  I still have really really good credit and am blessed for that, so I am hoping some good will comes my way in the job arena.

The news is reporting that 84% of working people are planning to look for new jobs in 2011.  That is great news for me, I can fill one of those empty jobs.

In the back of my mind, I have a target date of March 2012.  If by March of 2012 I have no relapses of ovarian cancer, then I will have a strong chance of living 5 years or longer.

So everything I do now is designed to prevent recurrence, which includes stress management.

That's why I joke about wanting to work with puppies.  I just don't want a new job setting to weaken my immunity even further and create a foundation for relapse.

I'm doing all I can do.

I'll let ya'll know if Iget any bites in the future!

Please send any ideas to me too....I'd really appreciate them.

Be Love and God Bless that all have a healthy and prosperous 2011

Denise

Cookies are great therapy

This time last year, I wasn't able to eat any vegetables and had to steer clear of excessive treats for fear of severe abdominal pain and upset.  This Christmas I was so happy to be able to bake!  Nothing says Christmas like holiday cookies in a gift bag.

Mom and I live in a really quaint little neighborhood and have super nice neighbors all around us.  Typically, the neighbrhood gets together a few weeks before Christmas for a travelling Christmas party.  They roam from home to home, bonding, eating, drinking and laughing.  Mom and I have not been able to participate in the festivities mainly because it's at night.  It's just too hard to do in the dark....but we found a way to spread holiday cheer this year.

Mom and I baked cookies!  We made chocolate drops, mexican wedding cookies, snickerdoodles, and peppermint bark.  It was so so so much fun.  We were exhausted though, it took quite a while.

We placed cookies in holiday bags along with a few candy canes, and wha-la!

The best part is that our neighbors loved them.  I hope they tasted OK, but the gesture was probably unexpected.

I think it's great therapy to bake something for someone else at least once per month........I'll see if I can do that.

I am so grateful to be able to do bake!

Happy Holidays

Beautiful hand made ornaments

Hello all.  I hope you had a truly blessed Christmas day.  My sister, my angel, has worked hard to create these beautiful hand crafted eco-friendly ornaments.  They are 50% off.  Mandy is my other heart, as she really stepped up when I got cancer.  I look back now and it amazes me how much help I needed and how much she selflessly gave.

http://www.weatheredsilo.blogspot.com/

Today I am here to breathe.  Thanks be to God.

God Bless and Be Love,
Denise

Merry Christmas

I thank God for this Joyous Day. 

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Repost from the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance Johanna's Law

THE OVARIAN CANCER NATIONAL ALLIANCE  APPLAUDS ENACTMENT OF JOHANNA'S LAW: THE GYNECOLOGIC CANCER EDUCATION AND AWARENESS ACT Washington D.C. - December 23, 2010. The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance is pleased that the President has signed and enacted Johanna's Law: The Gynecologic Cancer Education and Awareness Act.  The 2010 version of Johanna's Law continues to authorize the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to develop and implement campaigns to raise awareness and educate women and medical professionals about the signs and symptoms ofgynecologic cancers.  The law allows the CDC to work with national organizations to leverage public-private partnerships and avoid duplication of services and materials.  Further, in order to advance these efforts, CDC funding may be available to support public or private non-profit organizations in their efforts to increase awareness of gynecologic cancer symptoms. The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance continues to work with Congress to increase funding for - and support authorization of - Johanna's Law.  This is a reauthorization of a previous law.  The law was originally enacted in 2007 and provided up to $16.5 million over three years to the CDC for awareness and education through a national public service campaign that includes written materials and public service announcements. The CDC-led campaign, Inside Knowledge: Get the Facts about Gynecologic Cancer, seeks to raise awareness of the five main types of gynecologic cancer:  ovarian, cervical, uterine, vaginal and vulvar.  Since 2007, champions and advocates worked to secure funding to implement the law through the annual appropriations process. Rosa DeLauro, Representative from Connecticut and ovarian cancer survivor was one of the champions of the bill.  "No one should have to depend on luck, and this bill will help to educate women, raise awareness of health care providers, and ultimately, save lives," she said. "As a cosponsor, I am very pleased with the passage of Johanna's Law. I believe it will help inform young ladies as well as physicians about gynecological cancers," stated Representative Dan Burton. "It is extremely important that this be caught early. That is why this law is so important, because it gives women the opportunity to find out about the problems they may face so their survival rate can be increased substantially. A lot of women have lost their lives or had their lives shortened because they were misdiagnosed or the cancer was not noticed at all. This legislation not only improves awareness for the public but also for professionals in the medical field." According to Dr. Karen Orloff Kaplan, CEO of the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance, "Johanna's Law is absolutely essential because it provides for robust educational programs for women and those who care for and about them - the only way currently to reduce the number of deaths from this hideous disease." Death rates from ovarian cancer have remained unacceptably high for more than 30 years; currently, fewer than half of women survive five years from diagnosis.  Because there is no reliable early detection test, awareness of symptoms is key to detecting ovarian cancer.  "Because ovarian cancer is the deadliest gynecologic cancer, it is crucial that the message about symptoms be front and center in this campaign." The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance is the foremost advocate for women with ovarian cancer in the United States. To advance the interests of women with ovarian cancer, the organization advocates at a national level for increases in research funding for the development of an early detection test, improved health care practices, and life-saving treatment protocols.  The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance educates health care professionals and raises public awareness of the signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer. The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance is a 501 (c) (3) organization established in 1997.

Ovarian Cancer National Alliance 910 17th Street, NW Suite 1190 Washington, DC 20006 (202)331-1332 ocna@ovariancancer.org

Vocational Rehabilitation Update

Fabulous day with UW Voc Rehab department.  I now feel a sense of hope and confidence that there may be work I CAN do.  I met with a wonderful woman who was kind and sincere.  She took some time to warm up the conversation with nice holiday talk and then proceeded to discuss WITH me my needs and wants.

After at least an hour of talking about my vocational history, medical history, and potential hurdles we created a workable plan of action.  First thing being first, I have nothing to wear to an interview.  She will reconnect me with the state DVR to assist with wardrobe and possible free computer training.  I am going to spend some time on my own laptop to get re-familiar with the basics.  I'll probably need to be re-tested on my computer skills...ugh.  I've never really been a computer "expert", but I do learn new tasks fairly easily (maybe I need a little more time now than in the past).

The ideal scene is for me to first land a part time job that has afternoon hours, that's not sales and in a low-stress setting.  I expressed that because of my fears of recurrence and difficulty working under high stress levels, it was really important that I work with/for people who actually like me.  It sounds so "grade school" but at the end of the day we spend 30% to 50% of our time on job related activities.  That being said, why would I want to spend my last few years in an environment that's really stressful or around negative people who don't like me.  I just don't want any part of it.

I am not going to compete with anyone for a CEO job, not now.  In the past, I had dreams of owning my own company and having a stable retirement.  I could still start a non-profit group that helps women with ovarian cancer, and I'm sure I will, but I can't do that without first being stable myself.  I am not planning on using my job to fulfill my social needs, I just don't want to work around a bunch of sharks.  I want to have the chance to enjoy work for once in my life  ;-)

When it's determined that I can handle part-time work, the goal is to progress to full-time work.  That could be either growing the current part-time to a full time, or getting a new full-time altogether.

All this will depend on how or when a cancer recurrence appears.

I let her know that ideally I want a job where I work from home. If I work from home and have flexibility with my projects, then if I have a recurrence, I can restructure my workload around chemo, etc.

If I don't get the ability to work from home, then I run the likelihood of losing my job every time I get a recurrence.  That I cannot bear, I just don't want to do that.  Can you imagine?  Our economy is really not in the best of health, as everyone knows, so the last thing I need is to have to find a new job every time I finish a chemo program.

Here's where I find myself wondering why I never got married. I always wanted to be married, but no guy ever wanted me that much, so I'm alone.  I have my mom, dad, sister, brother and aunt.  I have a few good friends.  But I am alone, for the sake of my personal life.  It would be so wonderful if I had a hubby who took care of me, but I don't.  So I will forge ahead and do the best I can.

That's a whole new area of depression, that I don't want to talk about right now.

Anyway, I'm on the right track.

Be Love

Avastin may help Ovarian Cancer Patients

http://www.cancernetwork.com/ovarian-cancer/content/article/10165/1739232?GUID=F465BF3C-0BD5-404E-A2A8-C0BF422F4322&rememberme=1

Oncology NEWS International. Vol. 19 No. 11

 

Bevacizumab offers new hope to ovarian cancer patients

By FRAN LOWRY | December 4, 2010

---

Results of ICON7 trial will influence discussion of treatment options between oncologists and patients.

Early results from the ICON7 trial suggest that adding bevacizumab (Avastin) to standard chemotherapy in women with newly diagnosed ovarian cancer reduces the risk of disease progression during the first year of treatment.

The findings from the large, multicenter, phase III trial were announced at ESMO 2010 by ICON7 lead investigator Timothy J. Perren, MD, a consultant medical oncologist at Leeds Teaching Hospitals NHS Trust, UK.

Ovarian cancer initially responds very well to surgical treatment and chemotherapy, but the benefit is short lived, Dr. Perren said. "More than half of the patients go on to develop recurrent disease from which they will eventually die, despite our best current treatment," he explained. "For the women we have included in the ICON7 trial, the average time to development of recurrent disease is about 18 months and the average survival time is about three and a half years."

Bevacizumab has been shown to improve outcomes in breast and colon cancer. To see whether it worked in ovarian cancer, the ICON7 investigators randomized 1,528 women (median age, 57 years) with high-risk early- or advanced-stage epithelial ovarian cancer, primary peritoneal cancer, or fallopian tube cancer to one of two treatment regimens after their surgery.

Women in the control arm were randomized to six cycles of standard chemotherapy (carboplatin AUC 6 and paclitaxel 175 mg/m2) alone given once every three weeks. Women in the research arm of the trial were randomized to the same chemotherapy regimen given concurrently with bevacizumab (7.5 mg/kg) for six cycles, followed by maintenance bevacizumab for 12 additional cycles (abstract LBA4).

At 12 months, the risk of developing further progression of ovarian cancer was reduced by 15% when compared with the risk of progression seen with chemotherapy treatment alone. The effect of bevacizumab was strongest at 12 months, but then fell over time. Overall, the median progression-free survival in the control arm was 17.3 months vs 19 months in the research arm (P = .0041), Dr. Perren reported. Bevacizumab appeared to have a stronger effect in patients with a particularly poor prognosis, he added.

Dr. Perren also noted that the drug was well tolerated by the patients, with high blood pressure as the most common adverse event related to bevacizumab. Eighteen percent of the patients required antihypertensive medication. In comparison, 2% of women in the standard chemotherapy arm developed high blood pressure necessitating treatment.

The results from ICON7 support the findings of the Gynecologic Oncology Group (GOG 218) trial that were announced in June at the 2010 American Society of Clinical Oncologymeeting, Dr. Perren said (ASCO abstract LBA1).

"This is the first new drug in first-line treatment since the mid-1990s to show an improvement in outcome for ovarian cancer so it is a very big step forward," he said. "The results of ICON7 and GOG 218 will undoubtedly influence the discussions patients have with their oncologists, but probably more than that, it is going to influence the next generation of clinical trials. It is not possible to ignore these data."

Psychologist moved me to January...Christmas thoughts

Feeling sleepy literally right now, so I hope I don't bore anyone.  Good day to you.

My psychologist cancelled today because she is ill, and they won't let her work in that condition.  The cancer center has high infection control procedures, so I'm just hoping she gets better soon.  This though has thrown me a bit of a curve ball.

My next appointment is Jan 5th 2011.  I'll be paying full price for the consult, and I really didn't want to do that.  My deductible is $2500, so I'll be spending money no matter what until I reach that number, it's just a downer.

I'm not sure yet if I need regular visits, or if a free local support group will suffice.  So I may just skip the psychologist altogether and see how things go with voc rehab.

Part of my depression is that I have no job waiting for me.  The down economy scares me so I am relying heavily on help from voc rehab.  I don't even have a dress or suit to wear to an interview.

I stick to my beliefs that there are no accidents and need to keep my faith clear and strong.  I just need a little help, a little nudge, a little more energy, and the right place to work.

I did my 20 minutes of quick exercise activity, felt good.  I just ran in place and did some aerobic movements to get the blood pumping.  My arthritis is acting up, the soles of my feet hurt..............but can't let that stop me.

I'm so excited for Christmas, still need a special gift for mom.

I'M TRYING TO  LIVE AS IF THIS IS MY LAST CHRISTMAS.  So I'm wanting to get out the cards, and presents to special people.  I guarantee you members of my family are frustrated because they don't want me to spend any money, they just want me to save my change.  I am so grateful to have such a protective family and they are right, I should save all my money.

But this Christmas was not too expensive, really.  I have total faith that God is taking care of me.  It's going to be OK.  I will not be a drain on my family and will be able to take care of myself.............

But at the same time, what if this is my last Christmas?  I could have a relapse before next Christmas and it's possible treatment won't work.  So today is the day to give, not waiting until I'm earning more money.

That's the problem living in NED land.  Nobody can give me any solid answers so I can't make any solid plans or decisions.

Christmas is the most special holiday for me.  I love Christmas.  Easter is hard for me, I just really get emotional, and it's just not the same.  It's a greater joy, on Easter, but the week before Easter and Lent is a lot of work and inner soul searching.

So Christmas is just joyous and a time for freely giving.  I just want to give what I can.

Love you.

Merry Christmas