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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wubby wubby feelings and the brain train

Just got home from a "happy walk" with "J" around the lake.  What a refreshing way to top off the day, lots of laughing, wubby wubby feelings and smiles.  I had such a great time with him.  He makes me laugh.  He is adorable, a real guy's guy, loves his kids so much and really cares about fellow human beings.  I hope it never stops.  Even a small dose of "J' brings light to my day (happy rhyme).

Still just friends.  I wish I was just a normal woman, healthy and able to just have a normal day.  OK, stop living in dreamland, it is what it is.

My head is swirling with thoughts of him, thoughts of my visit with the brain train engineers, as well as wondering how my future mastectomy is going to effect everything.  Sigh

So, to update you on the neuro-psyche visit today: great news.  I'm not at a total loss, YAY!.  The previous tests were showing that I was like a second grader in terms of math, etc.  So I got very depressed.  Well, the latest testing provided much more detailed and isolated findings, that encourage me to feel positive about my vocational future.

I do have short term memory problems and spatial problems, but my verbal skills are above average.  I'm between 80% to 90% in reading, math and spelling.  The testing revealed that I have strong abstract thinking abilities.  Non-verbal reasoning was strong, but remembering information out of context was below average. I wish I could give examples of this. I forgot the examples they used (ha). 

They were almost more concerned that my depression and anxiety aggravate my memory problems, but felt overall that my challenges can be managed.  That was a huge relief.  Nobody wants to directly say that chemo caused my memory problems, but I will say that it did.  I have an unwavering belief that chemo effected my memory, but I also have an unwavering belief that I can improve my memory and it will get better, especially when I get a part time job.

The one thing was they really wanted me to ask about getting on a different antidepressant, so I'll probably ask my doctor about changing medications.

I'm still petrified at the thought of being in a work setting, would rather have a million dollars drop out of the sky, but oh well.  I just don't want to get fired from a future job because I can't keep up.  That's a big fear.  I have a big list of things that make working hard, but I have to be positive.  One day at a time.

So this whole experience of going through neuro-psychological testing was needed, wanted and brought good results.  I want my family to be proud of me.

The next step is practicing interviews, getting my resume up to speed and getting clothes.

I was issued  a voucher to receive some free interview clothes!!!!  Yay Yay Yay  I have no money to buy anything to wear to an interview.  Having the opportunity to receive a few little dress suits will be much appreciated.  I am so grateful.  My next meeting with DVR is in a few weeks.

In the back of my mind I know I am going to have a prophylactic mastectomy, just haven't set the date.  As far as voc rehab goes, we're not putting anything on hold, we are forging ahead and will cross that bridge when we get there.  I'll need a little time off work to heal.

I am saddened though the more I think about "J" and how much I like him and how I feel pretty sure that the whole mastectomy thing could be a big turn off.  He wouldn't intend on that, of course, but I can just feel it.  See, I wasn't really planning on reconstructive surgery because I can't afford it.  I don't have 100K.  I need to look into my insurance policy and find out, but the reconstructive surgery is really three surgeries, and geeze, it's too much to handle right now.  Sorry for too much detail here.

So anyway, I'm just thinking out loud about "J".  He doesn't know yet.  I'm just now finding out what kind of movies he likes...................keeping it low key is just better.  I wish I didn't like him, it'd be easier.

So, good news on the brain train, and what else? Oh, "J" is perfect so far.  Not going to think any more about the BRCA1+ stuff tonight.

I forgot!  I went to Gilda's Club yesterday too. I officially became a member, finally.  Yay.  I have made a commitment to participate in a support group.  Even though it's downtown Seattle, ick, I'll go.  It'll be in the evenings once per week, only people who have or had cancer.  The social worker, whom I met with, said they are pretty concerned about the integrity of the group.  They want to keep a solid group together for 16 weeks, not a lot of in and out.  So I hesitated, then agreed.  

I think it needs to be done, go to a group and talk.  

I don't know when the group starts but I'm looking forward to broadening my network.

Here's a big hug to all you guys who support me and read my little thoughts from time to time. It means a  lot to me that you care.  You are in my prayers too, love you.


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