Crying all day

Today has been horrible.  It hit me like a brick that being compromised, not able to do all that a person wants to do in life, when it comes to being with the people you love, is just devastating.  I had been crying and crying and crying and praying for God to give my mom just a few days of freedom from her trials and angst.

It all started with the image of my mom being able to drive her grand kids to a vacation park, play in the sand or have a picnic in the mountains.  For some reason this image caused an emotional break today.  A total collapse.

A miracle happened.  She called to say that her kidneys are doing better.  There is a possibility that she may be able to take a break from dialysis.  WOW  Now this needs to be tested and be verified, but even a little break would improve everything.  She is so much healthier since her heart surgery.  I have desperately wanted for her to have some normalcy.  I have been praying and who knows exactly why but this is such great news.  She is still in shock.  This is her above, isn't she so beautiful!!!!!!

When we go out together, and people learn she is my mom, the look at me like I'm lying.  Really?  Really?  They say to her how wonderful she looks!  They always think I'm her sister.

I have been really emotional all day.  AND I have this weird numbness on my face.  I left a message for the gynonc, and I'm sure they will address it.  My right upper gum, part of the right side of my nose has been numb.  This has been since chemo, but it wasn't too noticeable or I thought it would get better.  Not sure.  Maybe it's just a dental issue (I lost a front tooth to chemo about 6 months ago and wear a prosthetic).  Maybe my prosthetic needs to be replaced.  I'm certain that is it............but it's just weird.

I'm feeling trapped and stuck.  I want to fly.  I want to run away.  This news about mom is just so precious and uplifting.

I created a little bluegrass station on Pandora, and I love it.  It's so fun to listen to bluegrass.  It's like so awesome.  It gives me little happies.

I am so so so so so so so so so so so so hugely happy for mom, thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What happened to simplicity?

I am longing for simpler days and simple life.  Longing for less complications with everything from paying bills, grocery shopping, using my computer to just having a cup of coffee.  Everything is so complex and difficult to do these days.

Remember when you were a kids you had a circle of local friends who you went to see?  You rode bikes and played house and played store.  You built far away places by hanging blankets on the clothesline and told spooky stories.  You explored the local field and thought you were in another country.  You went to a friends house and waited for mom to call out your name for all to hear, "Denise come home, dinner's ready!"

I desperately wish that kids today had those "kinds" of days, to play freely and run around the neighborhood.

Every day we are here is a gift and we have to schedule every moment now, all of us do.  There is no waiting until tomorrow to find "a better time" to laugh or shine or cry or do nothing but enjoy the birds singing.

Today is the first day since my second round of carbo-drip desensitization that I have felt good enough to get out and about. It's been tiring but full.  Got to see mom, went shopping and had coffee.  That was super great.  Just to sit at the coffee house and watch people and sip sip sip.  I then did my job from home and am exhausted, but OK.

Do all  cancer patients go through this? Sometimes all I can do is think about my past mistakes and just tear my hair out wishing for second chances or a new opportunity.  But those moments are gone.

I am loved by so many amazing people, but I am not sure I'll ever be able to accomplish anything worthy of being proud.  Just living, literally.  In this world of over achievers and extreme artists, athletes, intellects, scientists, filmmakers, geeks and doctors, I am but a simpleton.  All I have to offer is my heart and I hope that will do.

My not having any children to help me as I age, I fear, has placed a level of worry on others that was never intended.  We never expect ourselves to be "in need".  Luckily I have an amazing family and circle of friends who are willing to help me if I need it.

Never allow a doctor or anyone to tell you not to have children.  I never should have listened to that doctor when I was young, my whole life would be different.  I could have had a normal life and a family.  Some of you may not know this but when I first got arthritis at age 15, my rheumatologist told me not to have kids because I would not be able to take care of them.  Medicine for RA was bad and he may have been right, but that was still my choice to make, and I let him make if for me.  I was never the same after that and was and felt abnormal.  I still cannot get over the irony that I have ovarian cancer when I had been told not to have kids.  If I would have been given the option to remove my ovaries ( especially now knowing that I have the BRCA 1 mutation) I would not have gotten ovarian cancer.

Sorry, I guess I'm not over that ....................sorry for the repetition.  I just don't understand the cruelty.

I didn't want to heal from cancer to be thrown back into the rat race!  I just can't resolve this inner turmoil of needing money to pay bills to exist to pay bills which need money. I don't want all this chemo to be wasted on a life of meaningless daily drills of bills and pills.  I must nourish my creative spirit now.

I am going to write a book, I have a very unique experience that needs to be told, that you don't know about yet..ha ha ha. That is all I have to offer.

That is the only creative thing I can do....my hands are crap, can't paint.  Can't draw, can't sing. but do love to dance.  Seriously, my hands are bad and using them to create won't work.  Maybe I can paint with my feet.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anyway, you may have figured out that chemo has an effect on our emotions and I am praying to make a difference. I tend to ramble when I have so many conflicting emotions inside.

I just wish things could be simple...............I pray each of  you can find peace and simplicity and hang onto it forever.  Love your family more than anything...........

Love and kisses and thanks for putting up with me.......my kitty Marilyn says hi tooooooo

Up for more Carbodrip? Must meet Marilyn first, my kitty cat friend

Before I go into anything serious I just have to share a little video I made of Marilyn.  Marilyn is my new kitty cat, who was previously at a shelter and then a foster-family.  Her foster parents were so nice and took such wonderful care of her.  Marilyn is so sweet and a true little lady.  She is polite and clean and really amazing.  She loves to play with her birdie toy and most of all she loves to be cuddly.  Exactly the kind of cat I wanted.  Being back in Chemo-ville creates a bit of anxiety and expected fears and loneliness.  It’s just part of the overall scope of symptoms of chemo, and cancer.  I believe in the healing powers of pets and the perfect little angel fell into my life. 

My Sweet Marilyn, she is six years old and comes from a foster  family.  Originally found wandering in Seattle, and taken to a shelter.  I am blessed to have my little friend.

 I apologize, I have been trying like crazy to upload several very cute videos of her, but we will have to wait. On my Facebook page there is an adorable play session, and I'd encourage you to check it out.  

I hope that you all had a beautiful Easter Holiday. 

Monday morning I go to the hospital for my second cup of carbodrip, with cream of course.  I have been keeping busy today, reflecting on the message of Easter and feeling warmth knowing that we are in a time of rebirth and renewal.  We have new opportunities to clean up our messes and start fresh.  Isn’t that just amazing?

I was fortunate to go to Easter Vigil on Saturday night.  All I can say is that I really needed to go.  It felt so good and I am so grateful to be here.

I wanted to share with you some of the reasons why people support and have joined the cause 

“Turn Facebook Teal to Heal in September”.  I spent a lot of time on Saturday catching up with the members and sending out a few notes.   

WHY PEOPLE ARE SUPPORTING THIS CAUSE: 

I am a cancer survivor myself and would like to see something done with this silent disease...it has taken so many lives and caused so much pain. I want to do anything in my power to change this and would like the love and support of family and friends to share in the support

I lost my grandmother to ovarian cancer, and would like to make others aware of this terrible disease.

I lost my Aunt to ovarian cancer & I pray every day for a cure so one day no one will ever have to feel the pain of losing the ones they love in such an awful way!!

I am an Ovarian Cancer Survivor. Stage 1a. I am one of the lucky ones. We need to get the word out. Early Detection is key.ave lost way too many friends from the hideous illness called Cancer !!

I lost my mom to ovarian cancer

I am in my 3rd year of remission, always a fighter, I now fight for me and all those still fighting, and for our angels who got wings we will always love and remember the fight you all fought.

I am facing a terminal illness, it is time to act. Get with a program and support it however, you can.

-Carol Lyn Wnuk

Ovarian Cancer took my sister 02/02/2010.

I have seen the human body and spirit ravished by this evasive disease. The cure for Ovarian cancer may open the door to the cure for other dream killing disease within the body. 

Carol Wnuk

I want to raise awareness to help more victims become 

survivors like my sister.

I lost my Mom to Ovarian Cancer and I want to find I way 

to stop it from taking any more amazing women

In support of my dear friend Jessica xo

I am an ovarian cancer survivor of 3 yrs. I want to spread the awareness so no other woman has to suffer from this hideous disease! Lets put teal on the map so everyone knows what this color means without having to ask!!

I am a 25 yr survivor and blessed with a Beautiful 21 yr old daughter.Just wanted to let women 

know you can beat this disease.

CANCER the most hurtful word ever spoken. It takes our loved ones way to soon and it is evil. Lets fight it together and try to beat it the best we can. I love and miss those whom I have already lost due to cancer and DON'T want to lose anymore. 

I shall stand tall!!!!

Because no young girl or woman should go through what I or any other woman has gone through from Ovarian Cancer. 

HELP US BREAK THE SILENCE!

My Mother passed away from Ovarian Cancer at the age of 55..that was almost 1 yr ago. I miss her so much.

I hope to help prevent anyone else from suffering.

These are just some of their heartfelt words......

I'll be in hospital til Tuesday, so long as all goes well.  It will be the same 

de-sensitization treatment as last time.  10 hours of chemo, yay.

 For some reason my CA125 is now 33, but I was told that was a reaction to chemo.  Oh well, that marker is not too reliable for me anyway.

I love my family, friends and followers.  Thank you God for all your gifts and grace.

Love Denise

Prayers for Heidi

http://breastcancerbladdercancer.blogspot.com/

My friends Heidi and Joe Hendricks need your prayers, Heidi's tumor markers have doubled.

They both battle cancer.  The link above may not reflect the latest update, as we just found out.  She has been battling breast cancer for eight years and she is still so strong.  They are a very active couple and have hiked what seems to be every mountain in Washington.  But her cancer has spread and her newest chemo has not worked.  Joe had a recurrence and has an unexpected surgery in the morning.

Please pray for them or send  your healing thoughts......I know some people don't believe in prayer, but none of us know the truth about God.  I never argue with people about God, because it is our individual journey to try to understand what is beyond what we see.

I believe prayers and healing thoughts work.  When my mom was in the hospital, I sent out a prayer request.  Within an hour she was more aware, and coming out of her fog.  Today she has so so much more life in her, and I can feel more health and energy when I am around her.  Maybe it was coincidence, but I just don't believe that.  I love my mom so deeply.

I love you for caring and for reading and for listening.

Heidi and Joe give nothing but love, and I love them.

Love,
Denise

I'll have one grande Carbodrip with cream, to go.

What?  It came back?  Can you repeat that please?

You're not gonna get me!

Getting real with ovarian cancer.

In this dream I was part of some superhuman task team, think "Alias" only my regular body, no amazing pilates body.  Our group was tasked to travel to another planet and board light beams that would take us high into the atmosphere.  The land was dark sienna in color, and each phase of the project took place in an auditorium.  We had to earn our light posts, and to earn them we had to compete against each other in small games.

My game was to see who could draw picture of a displayed make-up kit, in the fastest time.  I was wearing all black, skirt, hose, top, etc and little jacket.  We had cheap little clipboards, and were racing to see who could draw the fastest.  I won, and before I had time to receive an acknowledgement, I was forced to stand on a beam of light.  It was almost like a little hover board, made of light.

I soon found myself absorbed into a long line of others, on their little lights, ascending up way into the stratosphere, into another building.  The building seemed empty at first, but suddenly, I could feel a strong sense of urgency, a need to move quickly, to do something fast.

My hover beam moved me across the floor of the building, and I found myself again at the bottom of an escalator.  This time we were, one by one, slowly moving to the top.

At the top I was in a mall, and an old friend of mine was running, pulling at me to hide.  I ran to what I thought was a safe place, but it turned out that beams of light were coming up from everywhere.  There was no place to hide.

So I ran back to the area atop the escalator and a beam sucked me into it's force.  It shot me further up into the atmosphere, as high as you can imagine. It was my job to grab damaged beams and pull them back down to the main deck.  If I didn't do this fast enough, the force would not allow me to stop at the top, but instead simply eject me into outer space.

Chemo-nightmare

Today is March 19, 2012.  I was officially inaugurated into the chemo cup today with my first emergency room visit after my tasking carboplatin desensitization treatment on March 12, 2012.  I'll call it "carbodrip" for short.

My mom had been in the hospital with severe abdominal pain, just after a recent heart surgery, for 4 days.  She went home today, but I was not really ready to help.  My dear sister was with her from Friday to Sunday, and I stayed last night.

Mom is doing much better, thank you God.  I had a severe bout of abdominal pain on my left side, all over my back, tender to the touch.  My mom's nurse asked me if I was OK this morning, I said "no", and with little convincing, I went to ER at the hospital where mom was receiving treatment.  I wasn't much help today.

Without going into uggy details, I was super-dehydrated and not moving anything.  Super painful.  I was treated so sweetly, and the situation is partly resolved, but I have to drink, drink, drink, drink and take all my supplements from my digestive arsenal.  One of the worst effects of chemo is that it's like drinking cement, and there's nothing to avoid it.

When I got to the hospital on the 12th, I did start to get nervous.  I had really prepared mentally, but I still panicked.  Aside from a really late check in, everyone was nice, I saw my amazing gyn-onc twice.  She assured me I would be OK.

The nurse brought out a tool box full of pre-meds, to include things like epinephrin, benadryl, anti-nausea meds etc.  The process took about 10 hours, starting with teeny tiny injections of carboplatin, gradually increasing to total either 500 or 800 units, while being infused with fluids etc.  Ugh

I got the night sweats and chills so so so so so bad, I was drenched.  I was freeeeeeeeeeezing at one time.  Those are no fun.  My hot flashes have gone into overdrive since this treatment, oh goodie.

I have been medicated to the max this week........when will  poison not be an option????

The anti-nausea meds are great, and they lasted for a few days, but this week has been yucky.  Taste buds out of whack, lots of nausea, not as much fatigue, but definitely tired, and today's wonderful episode.  Forgetting some words, stuttering under pressure and emotional!

I have to thank Keifer Sutherland for "24".  I loved this show and watch re-runs on my roku.  This show is a saving token for me.  I literally forget all my stuff for that time, and just love the story line (not so much the violence).

But my point is that after this first desensitization, I have been crying when Jack Bauer does something honorable, or if a good guy gets knocked off, etc.  Weepy willows.

I'm just starting on this recurrence......hope I'm not a total basket case in 6 months!  Yikes.

Well, don't have to do the carbodrip until April.  Yay.  Thank you God for life, my family, my doctors, my friends, and that I can write about these weird things.  Thank you dear sister for taking me to the hospital and for helping mom when I can't be there.  I love you!