Patches of Blue

The warehouse was grim and dark.  Round tables covered with tattered cloths were scattered throughout.  The large room was divided into one third and two thirds.  At each table sat someone that I had somehow met in my life, many of whom I did not remember.  The attendees were all decked out in fancy clothes and sparkling jewelry.  Each looked at me as I moved through the room.

I saw one man with diamond rimmed eye glasses and a white suite.  Everyone had aged at least 20 years since I had seen them last.  One group of people walked by, and in the center was an old crush, he still had the same blue eyes and striking white hair.  He walked past me, glanced at me, and then continued as if we had never met.

One of my very best friends had lost a bunch of weight and she donned a golden dress and glamorous hat.  She walked to the back of the room and into the smaller third of the building.  Just as did my old crush and several other people who I deeply cared for.  As the ones I knew closely went to the back and out of view, the one's I did not recall seated themselves at the tables in the front two thirds of the room.  The walls were not painted and the floor was cracked.  One long bench ran the length of each wall.

On the benches were men with knives and women who carried bright blue books and little blue patches that looked like band aids.  I would find out that the patches were the difference between life and death.

I stood there for the longest time and watched carefully as each person entered the room, and I watched where each either sat or disappeared into the back.  My sweet kitty cat Marilyn was with me, in my arms, watching over me, like she always does.

One of the men stood up from the bench and said something to me in a language foreign to me, and it was not something good.  I became very fearful as he grabbed me and put me in a choke hold. I could see a knife coming into view from behind and knew he was going to slit my throat.  Just as he was about to cut me, one of the women with a blue patch and blue book waved her hand at him and quickly placed the patch on my neck.  The monster stopped and backed away in anger.  I was shaken and scared.  I ran off towards the back of the room and the patch fell off of my neck.

Just as it hit the ground, another man grabbed me and tried to use his weapon on me, just exactly same way.  I felt like I was in one of those wicked video games, the hunted one, the prey.  My attacker was not human, more of a robot, mechanical in nature.  Each time as before, a black scarfed woman placed a blue patch upon my neck and the attack was stopped.  The man would sit back down and glare at me.  All of these attackers were following me, each with a knife.

These attacks happened repeatedly as I walked from the front of the room towards the back of the room to be with the people I knew.  With each blue patch only lasting a few moments, I was quickly attacked over and over and over and over.

Exhausted and frazzled to the bone, I finally entered the back room.  I was carrying my cat and as soon as we crossed into the safe zone, she jumped out of my arms and disappeared into a fog.

The smaller room was freshly painted, and filled with my friends who were laughing and having a good time.  My old crush was off in the corner with his girlfriend and my old friend was dancing in a conga line, still wearing her golden dress and hat.  We will call her Kairee.

Kairee had changed her life from when I had known her a long time ago.  She was very happy now, after losing weight.  She now was happily married and owned her own mortgage company.  She pulled me aside and said she wanted to give me a chance to get back on my feet.  She offered me a job but my heart sank because I hated sales and had done this before. I was not good at things like this, having never been successful at any job that was purely for the money.  I knew I would fail.  I had no choice though and could see that she was doing well, was stable and wanted for nothing.  So I accepted her offer.

My office was downstairs and she pointed me to an old wooden staircase deep in the fog.  She sat at her table, the room turned dark green, and her associates surrounded her wearing their black suits and high end shoes.  I did not receive a warm welcome, except for from Kairee.  She hinted not to worry and I went down the stairs.

The steps were many, probably over 20, straight down into the darkness.  The whole room was old, wooden, dusty and filled with furniture and broken crates and boxes.  A few light bulbs hung from the ceiling as I stumbled across what I could see as a floor.  I was lost and became swallowed up in the dungeon.

I became fearful that my cat Marilyn would never be found again, as I had seen her disappear in that fog and knew she had come down these stairs.  As I frantically started searching for her and calling for her over and over, screaming as loud as I could, "here kitty kitty, Marilyn where are you?", dozens of other cats appeared from out of nowhere.

Each cat had a feature similar to sweet Marilyn, but she was not in sight.  Each time I saw a cat, I would run up and try to catch it and see if it was her.  It felt like an eternity and I became exhausted looking for her.  I scrambled all over the place looking and looking and found myself running from the mechanical men with knives.  Once again being attacked and then saved by a blue patch.

While looking for my cat, one of Kairee's associates appeared to me and threatened me, saying I was not going to be approved by the company insurance policy and would not stay employed for long.  I was losing everything, my job, my cat, and fearing the loss of my life over and over.

Off in the distance was a fluffy old couch, maroon colored, made with cotton cloth.  

I pulled away the musty cushions and found my kitty cat and pulled her safely up in my arms.  Just as I did this my cell phone rang.  It was my brother asking how I was doing.  Thank God he called and woke me up from that awful nightmare.

I went back to sleep and did not wake up again until 5:30 pm.  That was my day today.  I have a CT scan tomorrow.  See my oncologist and get chemo on Tuesday.

Can't get that nightmare out of my head............sigh.

Hope you all had a better day...ha!

Happy 2013 Wish For You

Our family has survived one of the most challenging years of our lives.  Sweet mom on the upswing now after multiple hospitalizations, I am still on chemo, and other very endearing family members coping with new illnesses and lots of change.  We have also experienced joy with a very bright cousin moving on to Johns Hopkins, kids changing to better schools and opportunities to receive visitors from close family from far away places.

The little joys, coffee with mom, a short drive with my sister catching up and sharing a laugh or two, seeing my nieces and nephew play together, laughing and being real.  Hearing funny stories about aunts and uncles.  Seeing beautiful cards in my email box from a dear friend in California. Seeing mom get surprise roses from a friend.  Leaving the doctor office remembering the words, "things look better now".  Getting a text from dad saying I love you.  Getting to say I love you to my mom almost every day.  

Waking up to see my beautiful kitty kat purring over my face, hungry for her first meal of the day, but patient and graceful as she waits (except for the one day she nubbed my head with her teeth, guess I slept too long).  Marilyn gives me much needed laughter and love.  I feel like a little kid when I get to play with her.  She will chase a little ball.  She will run in and out of this little kitty tunnel, and have me chase her.  She will let me carry her around in little boxes.  (Still cannot download the video of her and singing around the tree but it is on my facebook page),

The little joys in life are what keep us going day to day.  My goal this year is to give more little joys than last year.  Leave my spaces cleaner when I leave.  Be even more polite and offer everyone a smile, even if I don't feel like it.

I am continuing chemo in January.  I am extremely fatigued, but am compensating for that.  I just work around it.  I make the most out of my awake time, work, be with family, and my kitty.  I work on my heartfelt causes to increase awareness of ovarian cancer and now have taken an interest in helping find peaceful ways to protect children in schools.

The tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School brought us to our knees.  This can never happen again. God Bless the survivors of Sandy Hook.

January is a much dreaded time of year, cold and dark.  It is the perfect time of year to clean out the clutter that takes us away from giving true love and joy.  I need to find more time to attend Church services, with my fatigue, I never wake up in time.  I have to do that, I dearly miss Mass.  But God knows how much I love him as I pray morning and night.  

My New Years wish for you is to experience and give more little joys to yourself and to those around you.  By spreading little joys, and giving more smiles, who knows how that one little action could energize someone to do something they need to do........because they felt a tiny dose of love.

Happy New Year to each and all of you.  I do love you all and pray that 2013 brings more joys, better health, more security and happiness for you and yours.

God Bless you and your family.

Happy New Year

Love,

Denise

My Christmas Wish

If this Christmas you had one chance to ask for a miracle, what would you say?  

My eyes are blurry from needing sleep.  How many of you are tired now, frazzled, conflicted? Are you wondering if you did what you needed to do to make those whom you love with all your heart to feel happy?  Did you do all you can to bring them joy?  Are there enough gifts?  Worried that someone special was forgotten?  Amidst all this are you weighted by the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary?  Wondering how those sweet families are coping?  Will they be able to rejoice in the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

This year has been really challenging for our family.  I cannot tell a lie.  My sweet mom, our heroin of life, our rock has been sick most of the year.  Long hospital stays, multiple heart attacks and serious complications from her diabetes.  We never made our trip to Bainbridge Island.  Today we were supposed to go out so she could do Christmas shopping for the first time, that was the plan. Instead she was once again very ill today and it broke my heart.  She has not yet had a chance to enjoy the celebrations of this holiday season.  I am praying on Christmas Day that she is freed from this pain and illness so that she can relish in the joy of seeing her grandchildren and daughter and son-in-law....and me too.

Many people in the family have been challenged with new illnesses, working more, surgeries and worries.  I have been in chemo since March of 2012.  Juggling chemo, side effects, fatigue, nausea, etc etc etc and working part time and fully participating in every way possible to help mom, in a way that works for her, has been rocky.  

Recently I am receiving psychological counseling to manage what may be true to the form anxiety attacks.  That sequence of abdominal pain followed by nausea followed by sweating and shortness of breath and panting, losing focus and just getting plain overheated all over is not actually a hot flash.  So now I am learning how to cope with that problem in a new way.  I never had these episodes before cancer. 

The blessing is that we are here to experience all of this suffering.  I know that sounds bad, but those sweet babies at Sandy Hook Elementary never had a chance to live long enough to experience such pain.  They are little lights in heaven with God.  

So now it's time to reflect on the blessings.  The pain and suffering that wreaks havoc on all of us is a blessing for Jesus suffered on the Cross for us, as God loves us so much that he sacrificed his only son to forgive us of sin.  We must forgive to find peace.  

So back to the first question, if you could get one miracle, one chance to have anything in the world, what would your wish be for Christmas?

I know what mine is.................I want for each of us to embrace the true meaning of love and keep that feeling for all of humanity, all living creatures.  Love one Another as God has and does Love You.  Rid yourself of hatred and destructive thoughts.  Leave nothing for the sickness to hold onto.  Love your neighbor as you would love yourself and trust in the Lord.  

I am so passionate about the future for our children to include loving environments and peace.  I got a little sidetracked but felt compelled to publicly state an idea that could help schools be just a little safer, without the use of weapons and armed guards.  This comes from a very deep core belief that children will be emotionally and spiritually scarred if they are constantly surrounded by people with weapons. It is wrong to do this to them.  

In order to foster a world of peace, we must trust, we must love one another.  It would be hard to create and nurture that trust and love while surrounded by guns.  It does not set well with me.  

I want our children to love one another!  I want you to feel loved, and that is my wish for you, to feel loved.  Know that God loves you, and I love you.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, and may all your Christmas wishes come true.
Love, 
Denise

.......................................................................................................................

https://www.facebook.com/RingOfHopeArmsAcrossAmerica?ref=hl

Instead of guns, lets begin to bridge the gap from the horrors of yesterday to the peace of tomorrow. I am asking for people to join hands to create Rings of Hope, around their schools when the children return from holiday break. Parents, family, good citizens uniting together for the day to show the children WE keep them safe. No guns. No weapons. We can do this now. Keep watch and be their loving guardians while the other solutions are discovered.

We need to elevate schools and our children so that schools are a center of life learning, for not only math, science and language, but culture, arts, health, communications, sports, leadership and community building. This is the opportunity for growth.

Please go to Ring of Hope, Arms Across America and stand with and for the children at your local school, be their sentry for a day. This idea has incredible opportunities to grow beyond one day of strength. Please speak with other parents and see if they will join you.

All you need to do is just hold hands, be arm in arm, for the day that your child returns to school after the holiday break. When the children see how strong we are, and they see the love, they will feel safe. We don't need guns to help them feel safe.

Help to create a Ring of Hope around the school for that day.

https://www.facebook.com/RingOfHopeArmsAcrossAmerica?ref=hl

https://twitter.com/RingOfHope

In Memory Of 26 Lights Of Love

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/15/victims-connecticut-school-shooting/1771765/

Forever we will remember these beautiful innocents:

Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female

Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male

Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female

Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female

Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female

Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female

Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male

Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female

Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female

Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female

Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male

Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)

Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male

James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male

Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female

Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female

Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female

Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male

Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male

Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female

Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female

Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female

Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female

Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female

Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female

Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male

Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female

Like many people today, I am shocked, dazed and deeply saddened by the killing of 26 innocent women and children at Sandy Hook Elementary School yesterday.  As I write this I am not even certain that the event happened yesterday, time escapes me.  Writing out a few thoughts helps to recalibrate this feeling of being lost, numb, tearful and worried.  With that, trying to comprehend how it feels to be in Newtown, CT. Complete immersion in the devastation and grief.  A sense of calm comes forth knowing that the people are reaching to God and to each other as they move through this painful time.

It brought back the crystal clear memories of Columbine High School, the radio announcement, the snowy cold day, and me pulling into a parking space in downtown Denver to sob.  Looking at the guy in the car next to me, doing the same.  

At Sandy Hook Elementary the majority of the victims were sweet little children, just babies.  To try to make sense of this or understand reasoning behind this madness seems futile, but we will try.  

As a person who thinks about death far more often than one should, the greatest fear about death is suffering through it.  We will never know the extent to which those sweet little children and their heroins suffered.  Too much to bear to think about.

Before this day, their beautiful little lives were immersed in simple joys like having a play date with a best friend, making a drawing in art class, baking cookies with mom and reading bedtime stories with dad.  It's really difficult to grasp the overwhelming awareness of how in just a mere instance of time, this community was forced to their knees.

Breathe deeply for a moment .................

Our capacity to love is grand and in spite of this horror, more of our neighbors are good than bad.  More will help than hurt. More will protect than abandon.  

More love than hate.  

God swept up these angels into His arms at the moment of their death and they are protected and cannot be harmed again.  They will never fear again.

I found a proverb that sort of rounds out all the turmoil 29:26-27

"Do you want justice?  Don't fawn on the judge, but ask the Lord for it!  The good hate the badness of the wicked.  The wicked hate the goodness of the good."

Give your angst, your pain, your fear, your grief to God.  For God will take it and help you to be strong.  The families of these innocents need all of our strength and prayers.  They are weeping from a place that I cannot imagine.  

Rest In Peace Dear Innocents of Sandy Hook Elementary School

May the Lord's Blessings Be With You

  

Brain Scans Reveal Chemo Brain is Real

This is groundbreaking news because so many of us undergoing chemotherapy experience unusual and unexpected problems because of the poison's effect on our brains.  This validates that we are not crazy and that we are not overstating our problems.  It is just ridiculously difficult to explain this phenomenon.

Thankfully I am not experiencing the same level of "dead head" that I had the first time I went through chemo.  I used to say that chemo steals the soul.  

This new research will help many patients, families, coworkers and caregivers better cope with the many unusual cognitive and behavioral changes that are not only associated with chemo brain, but  with receiving a diagnosis of cancer.  

So grateful for this research!

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

'Chemo Brain' a Real Thing

By Kristina Fiore, Staff Writer, MedPage Today

Published: November 28, 2012

Reviewed by Robert Jasmer, MD; Associate Clinical Professor of Medicine, University of California, San Francisco

Action Points

• Note that this study was published as an abstract and presented at a conference. These data and conclusions should be considered to be preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed journal.
• The phenomenon known as "chemo brain" appears to to correlate with reductions in glucose metabolism in brain regions tied to cognition, a study found.
• Note that the exact mechanisms are still unclear, but the effect could be mediated through a cytokine response or by nerve demyelination.

CHICAGO -- The phenomenon known as "chemo brain" appears to correlate with reductions in glucose metabolism in brain regions tied to cognition, researchers said here.

In a single-center study of breast cancer patients who had undergone chemotherapy, there were significant changes in metabolism in the superior medial frontal gyrus and the temporal operculum as measured on PET-CT (P=0.025 and P=0.036, respectively), Rachel Lagos, DO, of the University of West Virginia, and colleagues reported during a press briefing at the Radiological Society of North America meeting here.

"The good news is that we are seeing evidence on PET-CT that is diagnostic for this phenomenon," Lagos said during the briefing. "Having diagnostic criteria is going to be one of our first steps to providing relief to people receiving chemotherapy."

Chemotherapy has long been associated with cognitive decline, including loss of memory and concentration that can cause trouble with activities of daily living. Yet the exact etiology of chemo brain is difficult to determine, and some have questioned whether the phenomenon is indeed real.

So Lagos and colleagues took a retrospective look at 115 patients who had undergone chemotherapy for breast cancer at their facility. None had disease that had metastasized to the brain.

They used PET-CT to assess changes in brain function and calculated z-scores for changes in brain metabolism in certain regions, with patients serving as their own controls.

Overall, they found significant decreases in glucose metabolism in brain regions closely associated with symptoms of chemo brain:

• Superior medial frontal gyrus: associated with mental agility and decision making (P=0.025)
• Superior medial frontal gyrus, left to right difference: problem solving and sequencing (P=0.023)
• Temporal operculum: long term memory (P=0.036)

"This corresponds to anecdotal evidence we're hearing from patients about how their life is being affected by chemotherapy," Lagos said.

Although the researchers did not calculate an average value for the change in z-scores of glucose metabolism pre- and post-chemotherapy, Lagos said values ranged from a decline of 2.5 to 8 points.

She said the findings reinforce that chemo brain "is a disease. It is a side effect. It is real. You're not crazy."

The exact mechanisms are still unclear, but the effect could be mediated through a cytokine response or may have something to do with nerve demyelination.

Max Wintermark, MD, chief of neuroradiology for the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, who moderated the session during which the findings were presented, told MedPage Today the metabolism changes may also have something to do with the stress and anxiety of going through chemotherapy.

"It could have something to do with those changes, but more research is needed," Wintermark said, adding that the finding is reassuring for women who experience cognitive symptoms during chemotherapy.

"Instead of those symptoms being dismissed, we can see there is a substrate for them," he said. "Just to know they are not inventing those symptoms, I think that will help them go through this difficult experience."

Lagos added that acknowledging the fact that chemo brain exists is the first step toward helping patients cope with the disease, and that psychosocial therapies can be tailored to their needs, such as providing them with lists to get through their daily activities.

She added that it should be comforting for women to know that chemo brain tends to resolve once treatment is finished.

The researchers reported no conflicts of interest.

Primary source: Radiological Society of North America meeting
Source reference:
Lagos R, et al "Towards diagnostic imaging of ChemoBrain phenomenon" RSNA 2012; Abstract LL-MIS-TU2A.

A Dog's Nose Knows Cancer

By 

MICHELLE CASTILLO / 

CBS NEWS/ November 21, 2012, 2:55 PM

"Doctor dogs" being trained to sniff out ovarian cancer

Rescue dogs that were saved are now being trained to save other people's lives by sniffing out ovarian cancer.

Dina Zaphiris, a pet owner and dog trainer from West Hills, Calif., is working with researchers at the Pine Street Foundation to teach dogs how to detect ovarian cancer from a person's breath.

"These dogs would rather find the cancer sample than a steak," Zaphiris told CBS station KCBS in Los Angeles.

Zaphiris felt a personal connection to the project after her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990. Eventually, her mother died in 2010.

"Her struggle: She did not find it early," she explained.

Now, Zaphiris works four hours a day, four days a week training mixed-breed dogs how to use their noses to find cancer. First, healthy people and ovarian cancer patients are instructed to breath into sample jars that contain a piece of cloth. The samples are slotted into a specially made trough. Then, the dogs are allowed to sniff the samples. When they correctly detect cancer, they are given a reward.

Schatzi is a rescue dog being trained to sniff ovarian cancer on a person's breath.

 / KCBS

One of the dogs, Schatzi, was about to be put down before she was enrolled in the study. Now, Zaphiris said the dog is one of the few who has never missed a cancer sample.

This new research is the first and only federally-funded study on using exhaled breath as a diagnostic tool for ovarian cancer, KCBS reported.

However, this isn't the first study that used dogs to detect cancer. In 2005, 60 Minutes looked at a study in England that was training dogs to sniff out bladder cancer using urine samples. On average, the dogs were 41 percent accurate, which is statistically significant according to Dr. Carolyn Willis, a research dermatologist who worked on the study.

Researchers had become discouraged when the dogs seemed to get held up on one "healthy" sample time and time again. They decided to double-check the diagnosis. It turned out that that person had kidney and bladder cancer that the lab had missed.

Other studies to look at dogs' cancer-sniffing abilities include one at the Schillerhoehe Hospital in Germany, which used dogs to smell out lung cancer using a person's breath. The dogs were able to accurately detect lung cancer in 71 percent of the cases and tell if a person was healthy in 93 percent of cases.

Another study in Japan showed that dogs could smell colorectal cancer in a sample of fecal matter 98 percent of the time.

• Can dogs sniff out cancer?
• Sniff out lung cancer? Study says dogs can do it
• Colorectal cancer no match for tumor-sniffing dog?

Zaphiris worked on a previous cancer detection project using in 2003. She claimed her dogs were 98 to 99 percent.

Michael McCulloch, research partner on the current ovarian cancer study and director of the Pine Street Foundation, said to KCBS that breath has been used to detect diseases for centuries. Ideally, he hopes that dog detection can become a non-invasive way to diagnose cancer earlier than screenings or blood tests might.

"Who will win out in the end: Is the dog more accurate or is the laboratory more accurate? Is it the lab or the Lab?" he pondered.

To see the dogs in action, watch the video from KCBS below:

© 2012 CBS Interactive Inc. All Rights Reserved.

This is a fascinating study.  I fully entrust in the power of the "nose".  I recall prior to my diagnosis that I knew I had a different breath and body scent.  

I remember asking over and over to my doctor  in California if my breath was "bad".  A polite "no, of course not" combined with a repressed smile always followed.

I hope that this study finds roots in the cancer community 

because it could save thousands of lives.  

Very exciting study.

Love,

Denise

 

A Thanksgiving With Mom

As I turned the corner around the edge of the market, I was shocked into real time with the overwhelmingly refreshing scent of pine today.  Just earlier my kitty cat looked somberly at me while I tried to eat cereal (sore throat) and I had to go get her some food.  I was so tired.  I brushed my teeth, threw on a coat and braved the Seattle windstorm to cross the parking lot for the store.

I was in a daze, feeling bad  and sluggish from having slept for 15 hours straight. I had intended to go visit mom today, but that was just not in the cards for me today.  It was better for me to stay away and not get my mom sick or anyone else sick.

I exited my building via a stairwell that opens directly onto a little shopping mall and almost walked straight into a giant silver star Christmas decoration.  I shook my head because I literally forgot that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner.  Fuzzy and feeling cold, walking with my head down, I dragged myself across the parking lot.  I was shocked again when I saw all the Christmas trees in front of the store.

It was sort of surreal because a few hours earlier a loud boom of thunder literally blasted me out of bed.  I had been sleeping like a rock.  Scared the be-jeebers out of me.  My sense of time is just "off".  I was not expecting trees, but am so glad they were there.  I had to stop for a moment and inhale the fresh scent and start imagining good times to come.  All I could think about was that I wanted to take a tree to mom's house.

Time is moving too fast.  I had wanted to savor this holiday season.  A little music here, a  "Halllmark" movie there, a new memory every day.  It's gonna go fast, I can tell.

Mom is slowly recovering from this last episode.  Inch by inch, minute by minute, drop by drop she clings to hope that she can return to the life she has enjoyed.  My sweet sister has lost so much time with her own family, but we are making it.  Together we are helping each other to help our mom reclaim her life.

Mom is so darn "lucky". I told her she had an angel.  She laughed and said  "not forever".  We literally almost lost her a few weeks ago.  It takes a lot of work to live, we find this out every day.  All the hustle and bustle, going here and going there, for what?  Each tender moment of happiness I relish right now.  I have lost my sense of time,  have no desire for mindless and irrelevant activities.

The photo above gives me comfort.  This is the mom I remember more than anything, sitting at the kitchen counter.  Upon this spot she would talk, write, sketch, paint, cook and raise us.  This was her home within the home.  It was just the best place in our house.  We could sit on the bar stools and look into the kitchen and talk with mom while she was doing whatever she was doing.  She liked to lean onto the counter and peek out into the living room. Sometimes I did my homework there and she would watch me.

This spot is where she had her quiet time, her reading time, her resting time.

The look on her face is a mixture of content and ever so slight irritation.  She does not like having her picture taken, ha.  I can't tell ya how many times she has hollered for me to 'put the camera away".  Makes me laugh.  She is so pretty..........

In two days we will be celebrating a day of Thanks, and it will not be the usual holiday for us.  Thanksgiving is mom's favorite holiday.  She loves it so much.  She used to throw one heck of a holiday bash I tell ya.

We had dozens of people over, she would make breads and stuffing and roast a fabulous turkey.  Relatives would bring over everything else.  Mom would even slow cook a pot roast, our mom's mom's favorite meal.

Us kids would play and laugh and have fun with the relatives.  I used to love to sit in the corner and just listen to the chatter. That is still one of my favorite things to do, listen to other people having fun.  Mom likes to do that too.

If you are celebrating a Thanksgiving with lot's of family and friends, not to tell ya what to do, but relish this time.  Savor it with all your heart because those moments may not come again.

We don't have those kinds of Thanksgivings anymore.   We are grown up, people live in different states and cities, and it's just not the same.  My thanks is that mom is here!

I am most grateful and give thanks to God for the gift of life, the LIFE of all those whom I love, my family and friends, and those who have been there all this time to help in a time of need.  I pray for those who are suffering, who have no home, no family, no person with whom to celebrate this holiday.  For maybe our celebration is different, but that is no loss.  For we have each other, we have shelter, we have food.  We are Blessed.

May you have a Blessed Thanksgiving Day.

Love,
Denise

Auction with Drs Goff and Muntz Dec 01, 2012 for Ovarian Cancer in Seattle Washington

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Welcome to the Ovarian & Breast Cancer Alliance Auction Website!

Please join us!

 

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Dinner & Auction

 

  Saturday, December 1, 2012, 5:00 PM

    The UW Center for Urban Horticulture

3501 NE 41st Street, Seattle, WA 98195

$75 per person

 

Two Steps to Register:

   
Step 1:  Click on "Sign In" above and scroll down to "Create New Record" to fill in your information.   
  

Step 2:  Click here to Register  

 
We look forward to seeing you on December 1st!

 
To reach us:  CONTACT

www.knowthesymptoms.org

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"One Tough Cookie"

As my mom lay there after her heart surgery, I told her that I had a new nick name for her, "One Tough cookie".  She says, "oh ya?  I like that one".  She then smiled and closed her eyes.

It has been a heck of a week.  Our family is deeply concerned for mom as she is in hospital, from a heart attack and complications from diabetes and kidney disease, among other things.  I had called her home one evening, no answer. I waited and called again, no answer.  I went over and heard her sort of talking and she did not respond to the knock on the door.  I went in and found her in need of urgent care.  This was so scary and I thank God for the whispers telling me to call her.

I was coming back from Gig Harbor after a visit with my friend Joe.  He invited me up for a daytime retreat, to honor Heidi, his sweet beloved Heidi.  He was so generous.  He took me on a nice kayak ride in the cove and a short little hike on Heidi's trail.  We talked about cancer, life, suffering and God.  It was a Sunday.  The previous day I was able to attend mass, and I was feeling so grateful for life, the breath of air, the ability to exist.

As I approached the Seattle area, and the exit to take to mom's house, I felt a strong pull to call her house.  I knew something was up, but not what.  I exited I-5, and called her.  I got lost, of course, and eventually found my way to her neighborhood.  I called again before knocking on the door, because it was already dark and did not want to scare her.  I was hoping that she would call out to me "is that you?"

No call out to me.  My mom has been through so much, it's just indescribable how much work she puts into living each day.  Every task requires an extensive amount of energy and dedication, and she does it.  She fights her way through each necessary task. She so wants to be free from all this suffering.

She has such an amazing core group of medical professionals, she really does.  When she is in the hospital though, because she has such a complicated body, someone from the family needs to be there.  My sister and I rotate shifts.

I had my chemo yesterday and cannot go today or tonight.  My sister has a family of her own.  Mom's family loves her so much, but there aren't enough of us here when these things happen.  My sister and I need to take care of ourselves too, so that we can do what is needed.

Mom has had such an amazing attitude, offering smiles and little laughs as she copes with the cascading consequences of this ordeal.  Her doctors are working to resolve all the issues so that she can get stabilized. She misses her home, her window to the neighborhood, her neighbors.

We spent election night together, in ICU.  I smiled and told her Obama won, and she said, "That's the right thing, good, good, good."

So now I am praying as much as possible for her recovery and for the well being of my sister.  For our loving neighbor who is helping with the house.  Mom has the best neighbors in the world.  She really does.

I will now get back to resting, per the strong recommendation from my sister.  I just wanted to share with you that we love our mom and hope that her courage and desire for life inspires you to keep on living a life of love.  Offer to your neighbor a strong smile, and you will receive the same.

Love,
Denise

PS.  My tumor markers are slowly improving, yay.  I am so fortunate that I will also receive an extra dose of IV emend later this week to address the extreme abdominal pain and nausea.  Last time I was totally incapacitated a week out from chemo, and had hellish nightmares.  Do not want a repeat of that, need to be there for mom and keep working too.  Love you.