|Mom's purple couch and in the middle is a seed pillow that warms me at night. This was given to me by my beautiful sister. In the basket is a glimpse of a georgeous card made by my niece.|
|The coolest area rug, from mom. Love this, it makes the room.|
|An old time view of SCCA. I still pick up prescriptions from here and get to enjoy this amazing view.|
|The looming Seattle snowstorm awaits us, as cherish this moment of living.|
I gaze off in the distance as I stand in the cancer center waiting room.. It's empty, quiet, yet behind the doors are patients hooked up to IV receiving deadly chemotherapy, to save their lives. I'm here because I have to get more Lorazepam, it keeps me centered. I started it while on Chemo because of the huge amount of fear of death and anxiety simmering in my soul. Now, I think it will be with me forever. I don't care. I need it.
The photo of my mom's purple couch brings back so many beautiful memories from when she and her mate Haskell lived in Colorado. We all grew up in Colorado. I remember many nights lying across this comfy couch glued to CNN with them, as we discussed politics, world events, and stories from long ago. Haskell was a treat, sort of like sweet inside but sour all around. He was one of those highly intelligent people who seemed to know everything. He constantly challenged me to do better by asking me all the time why I was doing something or supporting something. Oh but he was one of the funniest people I have ever met...and he made my mom laugh. He got my mom, he loved her and he took good care of her. God Bless Haskell, even though he would not really want me to say that, I do, because he is an angel.
I missed today, and heard that it snowed in Seattle, and generally that is pretty big news. I slept until 5:00 pm.....for the second time this week. I am just tired or depressed or something, I do think I am still recovering from all the extra work I did over the holidays. Either way, although I love to dream, I am missing life too.
My dreams are so vivid. I carry them from one night to the next. Last night I dreampt that I lived in a "group home" with other young people. We seemed healthy, so I don't know why we were there. The carpet was navy blue, and the lobby had gray vinyl chairs. The walls that anchored the reception area were floor to ceiling pale blue. The glass doors separating me from the receptionist slid back and forth, giving me a feeling that I was somehow captive, a prisoner.
Along that wall were giant post-it notes written by someone else, accusing me of ridiculing one of the other tenants. They were huge notes, in yellow and pink. They said things like "what about Gracie?" "Sue is a liar" "Denise did it" ......I saw these and for some reason went behind the reception area to wash my hair. For some reason the area had a salon-like hair washing station, and I had pain on my scalp. The nurse said I could wash my hair, so I did and proceeded to blow dry my really long gray hair. I desperately searched for a roller brush, and was relieved to find it. As I had tossed my head upside down, and began to gently curl my locks with the heat of the dryer, I saw another with rollers in her hair, she was looking at me and laughing and then ran off when she saw that I'd seen her.
I ran out into the lobby, and there on the wall were more giant sticky notes that said to hate Denise. Then all of sudden the lobby filled with other people and there was a girl named "Gracie" looking at them, and i turned around and the notes changed to messages to hate Gracie. She was surrounded by people and she was crying. They were protecting her. I felt "accused" but had done nothing. Someone else was doing this evil.
She was taken to breakfast by a guy who looks like the guy named "Tony" from the show "24". He wanted to get her away from the scene.
I begged her to trust me that we were being framed by someone in the home to make all of us hate each other. Somehow I discovered it was an older woman playing tricks on us and I woke up.
If I close my eyes I can still see the whole event play back over and over.........weird.
As I sit here typing, I am compelled to tell you how I feel today. I am feeling guilty because I did not make it to Church in several weeks, I have been exhausted. I miss the service.
My tummy hurts so bad, like the band of my undergarments is too much to bear. I am now wearing my TENS unit to ease the pain.
I desperately miss my family today.....and just realized that I am one of those people who needs me to be a joyful customer service agent.
I work from home and talk to people in the evenings about their problems with their products or what have you. I love that because I get to talk to people..........
Yesterday I got lost on the way to a cognitive rehabilitation study class..........I was tweeked about not having a map, and felt set up to fail. This is crazy of course, but anyway.......and thankfully got errands ran with mom before the storm hit today.
My hands are still swollen, but I did do some exercise this past week.
The only noise in the apartment is either the dryer winding around and around, or intermittent EWTN. My cable is slow, and I have no live TV, except for KIRO TV news.
It's very odd to have no live TV. It really is.
So I can't figure out if I'm depressed, run down, both or what. Maybe I need to lay off the "24" reruns from ROKU/Amazon.
I think a kitty would help, but where oh where to place the box.
Thank you God for gifting my Uncle with 65 years of life and for helping my mom continue her dialysis. For protecting my cousin Shaun from the wrath of cancer and for giving me a chance to be here. I got to speak with my niece and nephew from Colorado, and my brother......got a call from my aunt and even got a call from a cousin in Colorado. She kinda sounds like me on the phone...........just noticed that.........hmm.
May the snows of tomorrow provide joy and no harm. I love you all.