CDC Symptom Diary Card

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Our body our temple

Today my rheumatologist called to say that the million viles of bloodwork taken at the ER all came back normal?????????????????  So this begs the question, why am I getting sick?

Anyway, I start methotrexate tomorrow.  I am nervous and feel anxious about the side effects.  I prevailed after 6 months of harsh chemotherapy and find myself in the face of another chemo drug for RA.  I am overwhelmed and need to find a way to cope.

I must rely on faith that God is giving me what I need to deal with my body.  I have to be more positive.  Maybe I will be able to handle the side effects OK.  I just don't want to be "sickly" again.  That is the worst feeling in the world.  I could write a novel on "chemo brain" alone.

If I have another vomiting episode I will be referred to a GI physician and probably have an endoscopy/colonoscopy.  Great.  Another discipline, but yet again, it is a blessing.

I have the greatest doctors in the world, finally.  So if they say I need another specialist than it must be true.

I feel like my body is a pendulum swinging in the throws of a hurricane, a heavy ball on a long line that goes high in the sky.  Cancer took me to the heights of my tolerance and now I am literally flying up to the heights to challenge my next phase of illness.  Out of control and filled with fear, I am riding along praying each day to get by.

God gives us these beautiful bodies that we should embrace and adore.  I do everything I can to nurture my body in spite of the illnesses and medication side effects.  We all have this suffering, our pendulums, our cries and our joys.  It boggles me still though that I see some people actively destroy their beautiful bodies with drugs, alcohol, abusive practices, etc and they seem OK.  Why is that?

Maybe genetically I was born to be weak and am actually strong.  Maybe. 

Anyway, since we don't know the answers all we can do is still try to take care of our bodies as best as possible, manage our stress and be compassionate and giving to others.  Do not hold in your angers, be forgiving.  Love your neighbors as you love yourself, and everything will come full circle.

Be love.

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