hell days

I hope to one day be an inspiration to someone that Ovarian Cancer is survivable. I hope to say that my surgeon was a messenger from God and that chemo works. I want to live.

Unfortunately though the reality is that the past two days are literally out of hell. I am so overwhelmed with paperwork and decisions, confusions and resistance to change that I am in tears most of the time. I even got into an argument with my loving sister and mother because we are so distressed about insurance, chemo and moving. Today I faxed a letter to Barbara Boxer, asking her to help me find a way to get my insurance company and the Seattle Cancer Care Allliance to work together and cover my chemotherapy. It is ridiculous that my current insurance, employer sponsored plan, that I have been paying into, will not make an exception to help me. I have begged and guilted my family as much as humanly possible to find a way to see if anyone in my family can take care of me in my covered service area (northern California). NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAN COME TO NORTHERN CALIFORNIA. Western Health Advantage is putting us through hell.

So now that it has been decided that I will apply for another insurance, no guarantees on acceptance, I am now going to face financial ruin on top of dealing with chemo and the uncertainty of any meaningful life. I AM SO ANGRY WITH THE DOCTORS I HAD IN 2007 AND 2008. They missed my cancer. My surgeon got almost all of my cancer but my oncologist re-stated again that chemo is absolutely necessary. I can't just live, I have to still suffer the chemo. And there is no guarantee that I will even tolerate chemo because I am neutropenic, severly so.

We need a law that mandates insurance companies to provide coverage out of the regular service area in special cases like mine. We also need insurance companies and the gynecology community to cover and provide annual pelvic ultrasounds so that women do not get to Stage 3C cancer before diagnosis. I am so angry so angry so angry. My old doctors will continue to live their lives while I fight to stay alive. Ignorant incompetent doctors should not be allowed to practice. I had symptoms, they could have used their brain and looked for it.

I have already sent a formal request to the California Medical Board and hope that they have results. I don't care if it is "common" for Ovarian Cancer to be missed. Ovarian Cancer should be "uncommonly missed" and the only way to get there is for people like me to yell out to world that Ovarian Cancer is a real threat and a true "silent killer". This is a battle worth fighting.

I sent a letter to my congressman and even called the news. I will not stop.

I NEED HELP WITH SETTING UP A FUNDRAISING SITE. My family has already spent thousands of dollars in airfare, hotels, supplies, and will be spending much more when I get to Seattle. I need to raise money to help with these costs. I'm not the type of person to beg, but this is legitimate and we need all the help we can get.

If anyone can help with establishing the proper links for raising private money, I would be eternally grateful (eternally may not be that far away).

I also need to never have a day like today again. I cannot afford any more anger and fighting. I need to heal from my surgery and I need to find a way to cope with this stress better. I have placed a request for a patient advocate and have spoken with the American Cancer Society. I am slowly learning the ropes, but it is not a quick process. Thank you Mom, Mandy, Pat, Arnie, Aunt Debbie, Dad, Aunt Bernie, Uncle Don, Shawn Allen, Laria, Addie, Shelby, Raymond, Michelle, Courtney, my friend Barb, Randy, Craig and all the people who care about me. Thank you Dr. Lieserowitz.

I love my family and am so sorry for being such a pain in the butt, but I am not eager for poverty, I am not eager for chemo, and not eager for more pain. But I will get through it, other people have. I want to see Laria, Addie, Shelby and Raymond graduate, get married, have kids. I want to see my brother and sister become grandparents. I want to be here. I love living. I want to see everyone in my family again. I want to hug a dolphin. I want to go on a cruise. I want to be in the warm ocean. I want to live.

Denise