I opened the closet door, and neatly stacked up on the shelf were antique lunch boxes, three up and four across. These belonged to my brother, I said to myself. They were all colors of the rainbow, and although I could not see the box images, I knew they were of super heroes or race car drivers and their cars. I closed the folding doors to the closet in a gentle way and smiled. As I am closing the doors I can literally feel the carpet's resistance and the squeak of the doors. I can smell mom and dad's clothes, the cologne, the laundry soap. But they weren't there, just the lunch boxes.
We are in Arvada, Colorado, a nice little neighborhood and our house has a unique layout. The main floor has stairs to the top floor and to the basement. 12 steps each way. The top floor master bedroom has doors that open over the living room.
I am standing in the master bathroom. I can see the black and ivory tiles along the wall. The black counter top, the walk in shower with black tile and glass doors. I am standing at the door looking in and find myself peering up towards the top of the door hinges. To my dismay I see the biggest roundest ugliest brown spider ever. It is dangling along the inside of the door, smiling at me, daring me to move so that it can jump on me. Frozen I call out to my brother, and he comes running.
He looks at it and laughs, and looks at me and laughs harder. Its just a toy, he says and bounces it up and down on it's string. It looked so real, so ready to bite, so Alive! I watch my brother toss it around like a baseball, and take off into the mist. I am still standing there, and I see more spiders. Little black spiders, nestled inside the door hinges, hiding, hoping I will leave so that they can go about their business. I look and look and look and decide I've had my fill. I leave.
I wander into a large room where all the men are sleeping. This room was not in our house, it's one I've never seen before. It looks like the shape of the top of a barn. Real long, lots of space. Dad is curled up on a tiny bed, covered from head to toe. My brother is curled up on a huge bean bag, covered from head to toe. My sister's husband is sleeping on a cot, no covers, out like a light. My little nephew appears and he smiles and then asks his daddy to take him out......and my brother takes his hand and they walk away. I stand there and feel calmness from the sleepy energy. The image fades.
Next I find myself in the basement of a different house and I am being told that I need to make telemarketing phone calls by one of the worst land lords I ever had in my life. Agh. She is standing over me like a Nazi in heels, with a horse whip. In front of me is a laptop, a headset and a dingy desk. My tiny desk is more like a piece of particle board situated on some sort of saw horse. I have a metal folding chair for comfort and the exquisite lighting is supplied by a single bulb dangling from an electrical outlet. The studs are exposed and behind me are stacked tool boxes and other things you might find in a basement. It feels dirty.
The computer auto dials some woman whom I convince to come over for an estimate on wall coverings. She shows up and without confidence I ask her questions about her home and about what styles of drapery and blinds does she prefer. The woman is heavy set, wearing a blue jacket. She has short gray hair, and a scowl on her face. She glares at me with each answer and when we are done she walks out of the cramped little room into another room that looks like a diner. The diner seats look of a maroon vinyl, are back to back with silver ridged tables in between.
I follow her and suddenly she is sitting next to another sales person from another company, and this other sales person had created a mock up of her new living room on the computer, priced out the job and was ready to leave. I felt like this other sales person had invaded my house. So I asked the customer if she had agreed to let the other woman do the work and she shook her head no. I then went in the back of the room where my dingy desk sits. I found the interior designer and asked him to go talk to her and he did. I then went over and asked her if she liked him, and she did, and than I said that he was a professional and would do a fantastic job for her. She half smiled and left.
Next thing I know I am being taken upstairs by Miss Nazi to the dining room. The room is straight out of the 1950's and the fabrics are a blueish green, not exactly teal, but a little bluer. You can see the diamond patterns in the couch stitching. Some pieces are still covered in plastic. At the head of the table is a very overweight man, balding, older, wearing a ratty white t-shirt and black pants. He is unshaven sporting a finely crafted toothpick from the corner of his mouth.
He asks me if I want the job. He says it's all commission and we pay "nice". Good bonuses. Suddenly the blue dining room turned into an old hardware store, and plumbing supplies were displayed all along the wall. This man continues on saying I would be the reason his business grows. He said tell everybody if they need something they can get it at "Guys place".
Chemo dreams.........................every night it's like this. And they are so colorful and so strong. The pull keeps me in my dream, I cannot wake up. I sleep so much when on chemo and my dreams are so vivid.
CDC Symptom Diary Card
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Complete Love
When all three of us kids were young, there was just one family trip. I remember it clearly, the last minute rush to pack the car and head towards the mountains. I can't remember the mountain town but I remember the moments. We still lived in Westminster, so I was probably 10 or 11. I remember the flowered green peasant shirt and white pants I wore. I remember standing at the edge of a lake with my little sister and brother, and being happy. We had smiles. My sister and brother were so filled with joy. It was just fun.
I remember the freshness of the Colorado mountain air. The chlorine smell of the pool. That first jump into the clear water, it feels so crisp and clean. I remember being under water and daring myself to open my eyes in the pool. I can hear my gurgles as the air comes out of my mouth and I'm smiling with joy as I try to peak at the sun while under the water's surface. You feel like you are in another world all to yourself.
The above photo is of me and my mom at the little hotel pool.
We stayed just one day. I remember when we left. We were driving and I was singing in the car. My dad suddenly turned down the radio, so everyone could hear me sing. I was so red-faced.
My dad got a severe toothache, so back home we went. It was a bummer but our short visit will never be forgotten.
These memories are so precious. I love my family so much.
Today I needed to relive another memory. One from the year I got cancer. I was still in California. Up at my little church, Holy Trinity, in El Dorado Hills. I was so afraid. I was leaning against the wall of the church and I could feel God hugging me. I needed that feeling, to get me through. It is there still and you have it too.
Today is a day to find that love in your heart. Search deeply for that total love and it will make you happy. There is no other love like it.
I hope you find it.
Love,
Denise
Friday, August 10, 2012
I had Cervical cancer along with Ovarian Cancer
When I went through my initial ordeal with ovarian cancer, the pathology report also stated that I had severe dysplasia of the cervix. Cervical cancer. I never talk about this because the Ovarian Cancer was and is so dominant. The Foundation for Women's Cancer is a great resource that helps women learn about all women's cancers. I encourage you to take a look at their resources. Who knows if they are all interconnected? Which came first the chicken or the egg? Peace and God Bless Love, Denise
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Foundation For Women's Cancer | 230 W. Monroe | Suite 2528 | Chicago | IL | 60606
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Friday, August 03, 2012
My mom is selfless
My mom puts other people first, especially people who work hard. That's how she hurt her tailbone in New York. She didn't want to make the cabbie wait, the traffic was scary and a nightmare. She was rushing to get in the cab........and whammo. The next morning she couldn't get out of bed. She couldn't even open the heavy hotel doors, and walk around by herself. Here we are on this fabulous trip to New York, and she is in pain. Heartbreaking.
The next day we were planning to go to some museums. She is an artist.......She missed her much desired trip to Museum Mile because of her desire to not make the cabbie wait. She spent our only total free day in complete pain and in the clinic. Aagh. I am still not over that ........just wishing I'd done something to prevent it............
We will find a way to do the trip, even if it is a virtual one.
She tipped the cabbie $20
She spent all day yesterday waiting for the wonderful ladies that help clean her home, which she reluctantly agreed to not too long ago. She is just not the type to have someone else clean her house. By 5:00 pm they still hadn't arrived. I was helping with dinner, because nothing appeals to her anymore. I asked her if I could call and ask them to come tomorrow. Her response "no, that may not fit into their schedule".
She has such a good heart. Her appointment went well today, thank you God.
I love you mom, love you sis.
The next day we were planning to go to some museums. She is an artist.......She missed her much desired trip to Museum Mile because of her desire to not make the cabbie wait. She spent our only total free day in complete pain and in the clinic. Aagh. I am still not over that ........just wishing I'd done something to prevent it............
We will find a way to do the trip, even if it is a virtual one.
She tipped the cabbie $20
She spent all day yesterday waiting for the wonderful ladies that help clean her home, which she reluctantly agreed to not too long ago. She is just not the type to have someone else clean her house. By 5:00 pm they still hadn't arrived. I was helping with dinner, because nothing appeals to her anymore. I asked her if I could call and ask them to come tomorrow. Her response "no, that may not fit into their schedule".
She has such a good heart. Her appointment went well today, thank you God.
I love you mom, love you sis.
Ovarian Cancer National Alliance
We are coming up on September, Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Above is a beautiful stamp created by Amy Tedder, a 6 year Ovarian Cancer survivor. You can read more about her from the link below.
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/August-news-from-the-Ovarian-Cancer-National-Alliance.html?soid=1103664214012&aid=08nMv7XeHQE
In the past few weeks we learned about Wendy Schultz, wife of MSNBC host of the Ed Show, Ed Schultz. Wendy has had surgery and is receiving treatment for ovarian cancer. Our prayers and love and support go out to you Wendy and Ed.
Please watch the video, it is compelling and you can feel the love that Ed has for his dear wife.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/26/ed-schultz-wife-wendy-ovarian-cancer_n_1706873.html
Mom is doing so much better, yay. We are just doing all we can to be there for her so that she can get back to a sense of normalcy while we have some sunshine in Seattle. She has so many complications, yet she pushes on, no matter what. No matter the pain, the swelling, the fatigue, the sugar changes, or whatever tries to block her way. 'We love you mom.
I have my second treatment with Lipodox next Monday. Ugh, but it must be done. This last time around, the nausea was pretty bad. Overall though, I could breathe. No shortness of breath. That was so scary when on the carboplatin, so thankful that is gone. Today I am grateful for the Lipodox and will deal with the side effects, because I'm here to deal with the side effects I can say thank you to God.
I love you all!
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