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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Chemo dreams..the pull

I opened the closet door, and neatly stacked up on the shelf were antique lunch boxes, three up and four across.  These belonged to my brother, I said to myself.  They were all colors of the rainbow, and although I could not see the  box images, I knew they were of super heroes or race car drivers and their cars.  I closed the folding doors to the closet in a gentle way and smiled.  As I am closing the doors I can literally feel the carpet's resistance and the squeak of the doors.  I can smell mom and dad's clothes, the cologne, the laundry soap.  But they weren't there, just the lunch boxes.

We are in Arvada, Colorado, a nice little neighborhood and our house has a unique layout. The main floor has stairs to the top floor and to the basement.  12 steps each way.  The top floor master bedroom has doors that open over the living room.  

I am standing in the master bathroom.  I can see the black and ivory tiles along the wall.  The black counter top, the walk in shower with black tile and glass doors.  I am standing at the door looking in and find myself peering up towards the top of the door hinges. To my dismay I see the biggest roundest ugliest brown spider ever.  It is dangling along the inside of the door, smiling at me, daring me to move so that it can jump on me.  Frozen I call out to my brother, and he comes running.  

He looks at it and laughs, and looks at me and laughs harder.  Its just a toy, he says and bounces it up and down on it's string.  It looked so real, so ready to bite, so Alive!  I watch my brother toss it around like a baseball, and take off into the mist.  I am still standing there, and I see more spiders.  Little black spiders, nestled inside the door hinges, hiding, hoping I will leave so that they can go about their business.  I look and look and look and decide I've had my fill.  I leave.

I wander into a large room where all the men are sleeping. This room was not in our house, it's one I've never seen before.  It looks like the shape of the top of a barn.  Real long, lots of space. Dad is curled up on a tiny bed, covered from head to toe.  My brother is curled up on a huge bean bag, covered from head to toe.  My sister's husband is sleeping on a cot, no covers, out like a light.  My little nephew appears and he smiles and then asks his daddy to take him out......and my brother takes his hand and they walk away.  I stand there and feel calmness from the sleepy energy. The image fades.

Next I find myself in the basement of a different house and I am being told that I need to make telemarketing phone calls by one of the worst land lords I ever had in my life.  Agh.  She is standing over me like a Nazi in heels, with a horse whip.  In front of me is a laptop, a headset and a dingy desk. My tiny desk is more like a piece of particle board situated on some sort of saw horse.  I have a metal folding chair for comfort and the exquisite lighting is supplied by a single bulb dangling from an electrical outlet.  The studs are exposed and behind me are stacked tool boxes and other things you might find in a basement.  It feels dirty.

The computer auto dials some woman whom I convince to come over for an estimate on wall coverings.  She shows up and without confidence I ask her questions about her home and about what styles of drapery and blinds does she prefer. The woman is heavy set, wearing a blue jacket.  She has short gray hair, and a scowl on her face. She glares at me with each answer and when we are done she walks out of the cramped little room into another room that looks like a diner.  The diner seats look of a maroon vinyl, are back to back with silver ridged tables in between.  

I follow her and suddenly she is sitting next to another sales person from another company, and this other sales person had created a mock up of her new living room on the computer, priced out the job and was ready to leave.  I felt like this other sales person had invaded my house. So I asked the customer if she had agreed to let the other woman do the work and she shook her head no.  I then went in the back of the room where my dingy desk sits.  I found the interior designer and asked him to go talk to her and he did.  I then went over and asked her if she liked him, and she did, and than I said that he was a professional and would do a fantastic job for her.  She half smiled and left.

Next thing I know I am being taken upstairs by Miss Nazi to the dining room.  The room is straight out of the 1950's and the fabrics are a blueish green, not exactly teal, but a little bluer.  You can see the diamond patterns in the couch stitching.  Some pieces are still covered in plastic.  At the head of the table is a very overweight man, balding, older, wearing a ratty white t-shirt and black pants.  He is unshaven sporting a finely crafted toothpick from the corner of his mouth.

He asks me if I want the job.  He says it's all commission and we pay "nice".  Good bonuses.  Suddenly the blue dining room turned into an old hardware store, and plumbing supplies were displayed all along the wall.  This man continues on saying I would be the reason his business grows.  He said tell everybody if they need something they can get it at "Guys place".

Chemo dreams.........................every night it's like this.  And they are so colorful and so strong.  The pull keeps me in my dream, I cannot wake up.  I sleep so much when on chemo and my dreams are so vivid.  

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