In two days I will see the gynecology oncologist for my "post chemo" review. With trepidation I have researched more on the BRCA 1 mutation along with reviewing additional information on Ovarian Cancer survival statistics. At the same time I am haunted by the fact that there will be an end, just how soon, only God really knows. My thoughts today have been scattered and dark. How long will I really live? What good will I do? How am I going to survive financially while alive? What is my purpose?
I do know that I would love to interview other people who have been diagnosed with a known "killer" disease, and find out how they feel. What keeps them going? Is it faith? What about strong relationships with family and friends? What about daily good deeds, acts of love and kindness? What about simply taking in a sweet breath of fresh air each day and making an effort to remember the moment? What about taking a moment to be with someone you love and just rejoicing in their being? What about sitting in silence and remembering your life?
In other words I have really not the slightest clue how to proceed today. In a few days I hope to have a better idea. It is highly unlikely that my doctor will give me anything concrete, but I do hope she can sort of guide me on how to continue knowing that because of my advanced cancer, there is a strong possibility of it returning.
Did I mention that when I met with the genetic medical oncologist to talk about the BRCA 1 mutation, she glossed over a statement "you are more likely to have ovarian cancer return than to get breast cancer". Still regret digging further into that at the moment, so I'll save that question for Dr. G.
I went onto the FORCE website today and read message boards from mothers who are BRCA 1 positive. It was so sad to hear the guilt from so many who blamed themselves for potentially passing the mutation to their children. Some were angry at God and then others embraced God for the daily graces He gives us. I just pray every day for all in need to reach out to God for his love. We all have our cross to bear. I am not special.
On a side note, my sister and her husband are getting a cute cat for their children. A wonderful yellow cat saved from a shelter. Her children are rejoicing. I am so happy for all of them because I know the girls will be great cat moms. What a blessing to experience such joy.
My sis and her husband have made so many sacrifices in order to help me through this entire ordeal. I have been very fortunate. There are not enough words to express my gratitude. Thank you Mandy!
Love,
Denise
CDC Symptom Diary Card
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Breast MRI
Hi everyone,
I underwent a breast MRI and abdominal CT scan this past Monday. My sister and mother patiently waited for three hours at SCCA, being kind and supportive as always. I had been nervous and real depressed. This past Sunday the three of us attended a meeting through FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered). We met three other women who are BRCA 1 mutation positive. Networking with other women who also face the uncertainty of when breast cancer arrives is very helpful. One woman had a prophylactic mastectomy because she had already had breast cancer before her genetic testing. Another woman had also gone through Ovarian Cancer surgery and chemo in a very similar scenario to myself. Another woman has tested positive, had ovarian cancer and plans to have a prophylactic mastectomy.
I received a call yesterday that my breast MRI was "good" and that I would be receiving a letter as to the recommended follow-up. I was so relieved, so grateful, and thanked God above. This gives me hope for my other family members who have the genetic mutation. I am the oldest sibling, so I pray that my younger siblings would also be negative for any findings.
Now I wait for my appointment with my gynecology oncologist on March 18th to review my abdominal CT scan and bloodwork. I am relieved to know now that I will be in a "surveilance" program for life at SCCA. As much as it drives me crazy to have so many medical appointments, I need the support and would have panicked if there were no such program.
I will let you know about the letter. For now I am focusing on recovery. I am so weak, low endurance and very depressed. I have started an antidepressant, but it takes almost a month for the effects to kick into full gear. So each day I do a little more, but I feel "cloudy". I have trouble concentrating and really have no motvation. I pray that I get more motivated as time passes, with spring around the corner, I should improve.
I will get to receive some physical therapy to work on my scar tissue and strength towards the end of March. Wonderful.
Now I am ready to be more supportive to my siblings. I love them dearly.
Bye for now.
I underwent a breast MRI and abdominal CT scan this past Monday. My sister and mother patiently waited for three hours at SCCA, being kind and supportive as always. I had been nervous and real depressed. This past Sunday the three of us attended a meeting through FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered). We met three other women who are BRCA 1 mutation positive. Networking with other women who also face the uncertainty of when breast cancer arrives is very helpful. One woman had a prophylactic mastectomy because she had already had breast cancer before her genetic testing. Another woman had also gone through Ovarian Cancer surgery and chemo in a very similar scenario to myself. Another woman has tested positive, had ovarian cancer and plans to have a prophylactic mastectomy.
I received a call yesterday that my breast MRI was "good" and that I would be receiving a letter as to the recommended follow-up. I was so relieved, so grateful, and thanked God above. This gives me hope for my other family members who have the genetic mutation. I am the oldest sibling, so I pray that my younger siblings would also be negative for any findings.
Now I wait for my appointment with my gynecology oncologist on March 18th to review my abdominal CT scan and bloodwork. I am relieved to know now that I will be in a "surveilance" program for life at SCCA. As much as it drives me crazy to have so many medical appointments, I need the support and would have panicked if there were no such program.
I will let you know about the letter. For now I am focusing on recovery. I am so weak, low endurance and very depressed. I have started an antidepressant, but it takes almost a month for the effects to kick into full gear. So each day I do a little more, but I feel "cloudy". I have trouble concentrating and really have no motvation. I pray that I get more motivated as time passes, with spring around the corner, I should improve.
I will get to receive some physical therapy to work on my scar tissue and strength towards the end of March. Wonderful.
Now I am ready to be more supportive to my siblings. I love them dearly.
Bye for now.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Branching off on a new road
I am finally starting to feel a bit more energy, recovering slowly from 6 months of chemotherapy. Abdominal pain seems to be a chronic issue that I will now face every day for the rest of my life. Tomorrow my mother will join me with my sister to meet a new doctor that will address the new threats related to BRCA 1 mutation. I remain terrified and my sister, God Bless her, remains positive and strong.
A friend wrote to me to say that we are blessed to have received the testing and now we can at least have an opportunity to alter the predicted course of our lives. We have an opportunity to thwart off breast cancer. I am so grateful that we have this chance and at the same time am overwhelmed with what it means to actively thwart the threat of breast cancer. I don't want any more chemo. I don't want any more surgery. I don't want to have to do costly MRIs every 6 months, but what I want has no bearing on what may be needed.
I would give anything to save my sister from facing any of these decisions. I ask "why".
I kindof feel that of all the options, I'd rather have a prophylactic mastectomy than more chemo. But I can let go of my breasts because I'm still in the dark as to my overall life expectancy. I see my gynecology oncologist on March 18th. I won't have a clue as to my future until that day. If my ovarian cancer has shortened my overall life expectancy, than how important is it to address breast cancer anyway.
How important are my breasts? My family is more important to me. It is more important that because my sister does not currently have cancer, my brother does not have cancer, that they get the best possible consultation and land on the best possible path to prevent cancer. I am obviously depressed. It is so hard for me to comprehend a future for me. I can't see it right now, but I want to be here. I want to see my family every day and be a part of their lives.
I just completed a form for the new breast cancer doctor that involves attitudes toward the threat of cancer. I think that this new doctor will hopefully prescribe an anti-depressant. I have historically been opposed to anti-depressants for me personally, but this is situational depression. I think that they will help me a little bit so that I can get through this new challenge. I don't want to stay on them.
These are my thoughts for today.
On a side note:
I am watching the health care summit on CNN and wondering why there's a debate. When will we elect officials who value life from womb to tomb? The extreme right wing is so hypocritical. I believe health care is a right and that we must move forward with reform, one way or another.
For 10 years I went without health insurance. And for several more years I paid over $300 per month for junk plans that really covered very little. Now I finally have good insurance and am fortunate to have insurance. Every human being deserves the opportunity to have medical treatment, period.
A friend wrote to me to say that we are blessed to have received the testing and now we can at least have an opportunity to alter the predicted course of our lives. We have an opportunity to thwart off breast cancer. I am so grateful that we have this chance and at the same time am overwhelmed with what it means to actively thwart the threat of breast cancer. I don't want any more chemo. I don't want any more surgery. I don't want to have to do costly MRIs every 6 months, but what I want has no bearing on what may be needed.
I would give anything to save my sister from facing any of these decisions. I ask "why".
I kindof feel that of all the options, I'd rather have a prophylactic mastectomy than more chemo. But I can let go of my breasts because I'm still in the dark as to my overall life expectancy. I see my gynecology oncologist on March 18th. I won't have a clue as to my future until that day. If my ovarian cancer has shortened my overall life expectancy, than how important is it to address breast cancer anyway.
How important are my breasts? My family is more important to me. It is more important that because my sister does not currently have cancer, my brother does not have cancer, that they get the best possible consultation and land on the best possible path to prevent cancer. I am obviously depressed. It is so hard for me to comprehend a future for me. I can't see it right now, but I want to be here. I want to see my family every day and be a part of their lives.
I just completed a form for the new breast cancer doctor that involves attitudes toward the threat of cancer. I think that this new doctor will hopefully prescribe an anti-depressant. I have historically been opposed to anti-depressants for me personally, but this is situational depression. I think that they will help me a little bit so that I can get through this new challenge. I don't want to stay on them.
These are my thoughts for today.
On a side note:
I am watching the health care summit on CNN and wondering why there's a debate. When will we elect officials who value life from womb to tomb? The extreme right wing is so hypocritical. I believe health care is a right and that we must move forward with reform, one way or another.
For 10 years I went without health insurance. And for several more years I paid over $300 per month for junk plans that really covered very little. Now I finally have good insurance and am fortunate to have insurance. Every human being deserves the opportunity to have medical treatment, period.
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