Missing My Marilyn

​I cry when I come home, missing my Marilyn.  Thank you Lord for the precious moments offered from you to me and my kitty. Let us also pray for the soul of Tyre Nichols and for his grieving family. Our pets have childlike hearts, if only our hearts stayed sweet. Love and God Bless you.

RIP My Marilyn Girl

​My only reason for wanting to stay on earth has passed away.  My cat precious Marilyn, sweet Marilyn Monrovia, was laid to rest on December 26, 2022. Please say prayers for her sweet feline soul.  She had kidney disease and was ready to go.  💔💔💔  She is no longer suffering. 

Marilyn, who will forever be part of my eternity, had been with me since 2012, after adopting her at age 5.  We were meant to be together.  I loved her deeply, she listened to me and comforted me throughout my cancer battles and personal struggles. Jesus sent us to each other. I adored her, loved caring for her, holding her, playing with her and simply admiring one of God’s most loving and beautiful creatures.  She never abandoned me.  

I hear the silence, it’s unbearable. Her purrs are gone.  Her kisses are gone.  Her heartbeat is gone. The warmth of her little body napping on my lap is gone. The little games she liked to play at night when it was time to sleep are no more. I’ll never see her waiting on the window sill for me to come home. When I open the door there is no sweet wonder at my feet. No more toys and chasing games in the apartment. No more loving watching her watch the birdies. No more playing with her on the balcony. No more seeing her happy when she ate her favorite treats. No more watching her watch big cats on tv. I feel empty inside. There is no life in my apartment now.

What IS forever are the precious memories in my heart and treasured photos and videos of her, as one of God’s unique creations. His precious Marilyn was given to me and I was honored to love her all these years. I will always love you Miss Marilyn ❤️💔❤️💔❤️💔❤️💔 Say hi to God for me. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

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Our Lady Of Guadalupe, Pray For Us

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Happy Thanksgiving

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The Dark Day Is Light Again

​Praises to Jesus for my priest.  Reminded this evening that life is not resting here but in The Kingdom of Heaven. Our Holy Saints are closest to Him and by my remaining in prayer for their intercession, the pains of this world will dissolve.

Life here is fleeting, for my life and your life is intended to exist in Heaven, eternally. It will only be through a more focused life of prayer that I can remain in this state of peace. That is my desire. 

All Glory and Honor to the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.  

Amen

The PeaCock

​The Peacock is loved by his colleagues but despises patients who question him.  Especially those who do so in front of others.  I had a Peacock, he may very well have killed me.

Feeling dark today.  His mistake let my cancer grow for a year without treatment.  His colleagues don't care.

Brain Fog

​https://apple.news/AM-TIpo6eQEmwVq20cGuZPg

I've tried to type and save this 3 times. Ha. I'm back on Taxol, my chemo brain is in full swing.  Covid research is helping cancer patients with chemo brain to be better understood.

God Bless you!

Denise

Bone Scan and #11

​Praise God, the bone scan is clear.  This pelvic pain is not as worrisome now.  Great news. I go to my part-time job in a few hours, have treatment tomorrow and have planned a day trip to the Royal Gorge on Sunday with my friend Pat.

A little story about Arnie. I was in southwest Colorado this time last year.  My sister called me to tell me of his passing and it was of course devastating news. I was told there was no immediate service planned so we stayed on the trip. 

The next morning my friend Patrick and I took the Durango-Silverton Railway tour. My assigned seat was #11, Arnie's favorite number.  It took my breath away to sit down and see the #11. I sobbed and thought that maybe he was telling me hi from up in the heavens.  ✝️❤️✝️ Thinking of his children. 😞  This is a really special photo. 

After Prayer

​I have been keeping busy.  I went to a movie (Tom Cruise) with friends Monday evening. Tuesday was a long day at the hospital for my bone scan.  I felt better emotionally, in spite of my nerves.  Forgiveness is a process.

I feel like I live in an asteroid field right now.  My new oncologist needs a baseline and I do not want to have to think about more mets.  I can't avoid it though.  Monday was not a good day mentally or emotionally but I am coming around.  I am tired of cancer mets, this whole issue is an asteroid field.  I want to travel and do good things. 

The only thing I can do is pray for Jesus to use my suffering for His will. It takes a LOT of work for me to get in this space.

After my bone scan yesterday I went to adoration, prayed the Rosary and confession. That was followed with Mass.  I cried of course because of my brother and prayed to not be in this asteroid field any longer.  I prayed for my enemies. I just want to have a joyful heart no matter what.

Later today I find out the scan results. I will write that all out tonight or tomorrow.  Every time I talk about cancer I get upset.  Every time I talk about my previous gynonc and his social worker I get upset.  It doesn't mean forgiveness is lacking but I live in an asteroid field and that could have been prevented.  

Peace

Missing My Brother and Dread

​Today it was suggested that I write out my feelings.  This is an unexpectedly stressful and sorrowful week.  I wish I could run away, childish feelings but it is the truth.  I don't want to be in my skin. I miss my brother.

The anniversary of my brother's death from cancer last year is fast approaching and I never got to say goodbye. I had no idea about the details of his death and It really hurts that he is gone. I miss you and love you Arnie.  I don't know why you were sent home to God and that I remain. God is in charge and I wish I could have changed that.  ✝️✝️✝️

I have a bone scan tomorrow because my right hip and other areas of my pelvis (symphysis) hurt.  New oncologist being thorough and cautious, for which I am grateful.

The scan brings up a lot of fear and negative emotion, really negative, but I will try to just stay busy until my next appointment. I can't really shake this because I'm angry about Feb 2021 medical error, but I will try.  I know God is there but I feel raw today.  

My new oncologist is trying hard to catch up but I feel dread.  I always ask God for help.  I'm seeking EMDR treatment to deal with medical errors from the past because THOSE memories and feelings are also hurting me. I feel trapped in them.... and it takes up space I need for other things.  I want to run away.  

Praying I have good news on Wed evening.  I miss my brother. I miss Arnie ❤️  

Update: Feeling Reassured !!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

​Update:  Thank you all so much for your prayers!  They really helped. 

I had a really good appt with my new oncologist and I am so pleased.  They did apologize for mishap.  I will get increasd in Taxol but we will keep it to what I can handle.   I am so relieved that my new team is supportive.  Thank you again... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Wrong Diagnosis On CT Order And Radiology Report

​Bladder Dome Tumor increasing in size.  Wrong DIAGNOSIS on CT order for today.  WRONG diagnosis on radiology report.  What I had to go through to get a corrective addendum is completely unacceptable!!!! 

I have a new medical oncologist and mistakes are already happening.  I am going to go insane or dive into a severe depression.  I can't take any more medical errors!!!!!!!!!!! I missed an entire year of potential treatment to knock back my ovarian cancer mets, when it had not spread as much, because the radiologist did not write down all the correct information Feb of 2021! Now I have no idea what will work.

My psychologist is trying to find me a counselor who does EMDR therapy for PTSD.  I contacted one last week, no reply.

My new oncologist told me (re: incomplete radiology reports) at my first visit with him  'it happens all the time'.  I said that was wrong and there was no response. 

Today I did my part to be on time and be still for the CT scan and ONCE again there was an error.  I do not trust the scan report because the radiologist was looking for breast cancer, which I don't have (praise God).  I asked for a new radiology read with a different radiologist and I was given a phone number to call.  

I see my new oncologist Friday and am scheduled for Taxol. He needs time to get to know my case but the wrong diagnosis on an order is absolutely not acceptable under any circumstances  What the heck is going on where I get cancer care?  

The 'wrong diagnosis' could have been written incorrectly by an assistant but how did that significant mistake go unnoticed by layers of professionals???? The radiologist was comparing today's scan to on in Feb 2022 and NOWHERE on that report or anywhere on my chart does it say I have breast cancer.  I have ovarian cancer.

If I want any credible care I would have to move! I can't drive back and forth to Loveland (if I were to go to MD Anderson) from Englewood, it's too long. I am too tired to make that drive for each treatment, let alone other unexpected visits. 

I cannot tolerate PARP inhibitors because they cause me serious bad side effects. Zejula was a terrible drug for me. I never should have agreed to try it. 

I have no idea how fast cancer is growing because my previous team screwed up so badly, then punished me for getting angry about their mistake. I want more time for Taxol or try Gemzar again. 

How am I supposed to feel?  Am I going to get punished for being upset today?  I ask anyone to be neutral about having the wrong diagnosis on the CT order and radiology report and that is tooooooooo much to ask of anyone. I need lots of prayers and can I please please please receive proper medical care?

I think my previous team should pay my bills and pay relocation costs to get better care at a reputable cancer center and pay my living expenses!  What did I do to them to receive such bad care?

This blog is all I have. They are killing me.

God Is In Charge of this man's reputation.

​I read today a shocking note written by my amazing palliative care nurse.  She has been a beacon of hope amidst the nightmare that my gynecology oncologist of 6 years was willing to let me go and let me die.  He activated a legal loophole/behavior agreement after I complained about the radiology error which has ALLOWED my cancer to spread untreated.  A social worker refused to help me relax prior to that appointment becauae I was legitimately upset about the lethal medical reporting error.  In other words only a living saint would not have been upset.

Jesus was abandoned by those he loved and I am keeping my heart with Jesus as best as I can humanly do, given that my gymonc was willing to abandon me while my cancer was advancing.

The palliative care nurse wrote (see photo) she would not be surprised if I died a year from March. Maybe her answer would have been that she would be surprised by my death within a year, had it not been for this collasal medical reporting mistake. My doctor must have been terrified that I was going to sue him so he was willing to let me die. One day you will see a photo of this insanity.  I will black out his name.

God will handle this doctor's reputation.  I ask for your prayers that I continue to ask Jesus to speak for me. I am begging for the bitterness to disappear, it is going to take time. I will be in confessions and adoration often because this abuse is so RAW.  I need lots of prayers because sometimes I have wanted for God to just take me.

Why did my doctor hurt me?

I have PTSD from the river of medical abuses.  I will voice my records with grace because I will not be silenced either. 

Behavior agreements are too often used in a morally corrupt and criminal manner.

Please pray for all doctors who hurt their patients out of FEAR of being sued! 

This You Shall Know

​This is the weekend we honor the women who give birth, adopt, mother us and love us. We are forever connected to them, eternally bonded. I was hoping to get to Kansas and visit my mom's grave site. I deeply miss her, why? Because of her love. She knew me, not as much as Jesus knows me, but she knew my heart. I miss you mom, love you and know the day that God brings me home is the day I see you again! ❤️

This is also an historical moment for enwombed children to be lifted in joy, not burden. We as a society must do all we can to love mothers and enable them to nurture the child within. All human life deserves dignity at all stages of life, birth and death. Let's do more for Love, not hate.

I wrote a poem about a child, their life, their death and the great gift of God's eternal Love, Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness. May this inspire you to think more deeply about these tender members of the human race who have a purpose yet to be seen but given by Love and God himself. Love and Bless you!