I have been asked many times by my Seattle doctors, and recently a psychologist, to identify what really kept me going every day. It is not easy to identify the force that drives us to live, even when we are healthy. When we are healthy, we wake up and live our lives.
We go to sleep and start over the next day. "Living" is up to God and is not in our control, but the "will" to live comes from another place. I always look to God and find that the people around me give me the desire to keep going.
My mom was and remains a driving force behind my will to traverse the path of a new life, even when I just want to quit. I'm in a tough spot, and need to get an actual life started again. It's more about resources. I have none....ha! I just have to think positive and believe that I will be able to take care of myself financially. That's all I can do.
My mom believes that I will make it.
Although my mom has started dialysis, she is determined to remain independent and that means that I am being requested to keep looking for a new place and resume some sort of life, after cancer.
I could stay here forever, because I want to be here if she needs something. She is so strong. I will miss her so much when I move out.
My mom is AMAZING. She is more driven and determined and motivated to live than anyone I know. She is a Type I diabetic, has been for over 40 years. Usually Type I diabetics need to start dialysis after 20 years, but my mom has taken such good care of herself that she has been able to wait 40 years.
She has to work to keep herself alive every day, maintaining her insulin pump, checking her blood sugars, watching every calorie, and type of food. Now that she's started dialysis, we find ourselves spending 15 hours a week at a treatment center and she is hooked up to a machine that cleans her blood.
This is her new life, machine one and machine two (insulin pump and dialysis). If she decides to stop connecting herself to either machine, she will die.
So she wills herself every day to connect to a machine, and live. She too has pain, and complications, but just keeps on keeping on.
She is so forgiving, so forgiving. Puts me to shame. One of her doctors could have given her a little better advice and it caused her some problems, but that is over now and she is just moving forward.
God asks us to be forgiving and love our neighbors. I believe that God uses people around us to talk to us in subtle ways, and we need to just listen. Be quiet, and alert, and open to the cues.
There are many other people in my life, family and friends, who give me "will" to keep going to find my new life, but I just wanted to spend a little time talking about mom.
She is an artist, a debater, an activist, a rebel, a great caregiver, and a great grandmother. Her creativity is endless and she is passionate about all people having equal opportunity and that all humans are treated with dignity. She is so intelligent, and strong-willed. She is very loving.
I love you mom.
Denise
Beautiful tribute, Denise!
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