I go by #Servivorgirl. Celebrating almost 14 years since diagnosis of stage IIIC ovarian cancer, recently restaged to IVB. My blog is called Nobody Has Ovarian Cancer because I felt like a nobody upon the eventual correct diagnosis. Being told multiple times that I was too young to have ovarian cancer, I did not receive the proper testing. I am so grateful to Him for all those who allow me to share my love, to those who love me and those who treat my illness. I praise Him always.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Patches of Blue
The warehouse was grim and dark. Round tables covered with tattered cloths were scattered throughout. The large room was divided into one third and two thirds. At each table sat someone that I had somehow met in my life, many of whom I did not remember. The attendees were all decked out in fancy clothes and sparkling jewelry. Each looked at me as I moved through the room.
I saw one man with diamond rimmed eye glasses and a white suite. Everyone had aged at least 20 years since I had seen them last. One group of people walked by, and in the center was an old crush, he still had the same blue eyes and striking white hair. He walked past me, glanced at me, and then continued as if we had never met.
One of my very best friends had lost a bunch of weight and she donned a golden dress and glamorous hat. She walked to the back of the room and into the smaller third of the building. Just as did my old crush and several other people who I deeply cared for. As the ones I knew closely went to the back and out of view, the one's I did not recall seated themselves at the tables in the front two thirds of the room. The walls were not painted and the floor was cracked. One long bench ran the length of each wall.
On the benches were men with knives and women who carried bright blue books and little blue patches that looked like band aids. I would find out that the patches were the difference between life and death.
I stood there for the longest time and watched carefully as each person entered the room, and I watched where each either sat or disappeared into the back. My sweet kitty cat Marilyn was with me, in my arms, watching over me, like she always does.
One of the men stood up from the bench and said something to me in a language foreign to me, and it was not something good. I became very fearful as he grabbed me and put me in a choke hold. I could see a knife coming into view from behind and knew he was going to slit my throat. Just as he was about to cut me, one of the women with a blue patch and blue book waved her hand at him and quickly placed the patch on my neck. The monster stopped and backed away in anger. I was shaken and scared. I ran off towards the back of the room and the patch fell off of my neck.
Just as it hit the ground, another man grabbed me and tried to use his weapon on me, just exactly same way. I felt like I was in one of those wicked video games, the hunted one, the prey. My attacker was not human, more of a robot, mechanical in nature. Each time as before, a black scarfed woman placed a blue patch upon my neck and the attack was stopped. The man would sit back down and glare at me. All of these attackers were following me, each with a knife.
These attacks happened repeatedly as I walked from the front of the room towards the back of the room to be with the people I knew. With each blue patch only lasting a few moments, I was quickly attacked over and over and over and over.
Exhausted and frazzled to the bone, I finally entered the back room. I was carrying my cat and as soon as we crossed into the safe zone, she jumped out of my arms and disappeared into a fog.
The smaller room was freshly painted, and filled with my friends who were laughing and having a good time. My old crush was off in the corner with his girlfriend and my old friend was dancing in a conga line, still wearing her golden dress and hat. We will call her Kairee.
Kairee had changed her life from when I had known her a long time ago. She was very happy now, after losing weight. She now was happily married and owned her own mortgage company. She pulled me aside and said she wanted to give me a chance to get back on my feet. She offered me a job but my heart sank because I hated sales and had done this before. I was not good at things like this, having never been successful at any job that was purely for the money. I knew I would fail. I had no choice though and could see that she was doing well, was stable and wanted for nothing. So I accepted her offer.
My office was downstairs and she pointed me to an old wooden staircase deep in the fog. She sat at her table, the room turned dark green, and her associates surrounded her wearing their black suits and high end shoes. I did not receive a warm welcome, except for from Kairee. She hinted not to worry and I went down the stairs.
The steps were many, probably over 20, straight down into the darkness. The whole room was old, wooden, dusty and filled with furniture and broken crates and boxes. A few light bulbs hung from the ceiling as I stumbled across what I could see as a floor. I was lost and became swallowed up in the dungeon.
I became fearful that my cat Marilyn would never be found again, as I had seen her disappear in that fog and knew she had come down these stairs. As I frantically started searching for her and calling for her over and over, screaming as loud as I could, "here kitty kitty, Marilyn where are you?", dozens of other cats appeared from out of nowhere.
Each cat had a feature similar to sweet Marilyn, but she was not in sight. Each time I saw a cat, I would run up and try to catch it and see if it was her. It felt like an eternity and I became exhausted looking for her. I scrambled all over the place looking and looking and found myself running from the mechanical men with knives. Once again being attacked and then saved by a blue patch.
While looking for my cat, one of Kairee's associates appeared to me and threatened me, saying I was not going to be approved by the company insurance policy and would not stay employed for long. I was losing everything, my job, my cat, and fearing the loss of my life over and over.
Off in the distance was a fluffy old couch, maroon colored, made with cotton cloth.
I pulled away the musty cushions and found my kitty cat and pulled her safely up in my arms. Just as I did this my cell phone rang. It was my brother asking how I was doing. Thank God he called and woke me up from that awful nightmare.
I went back to sleep and did not wake up again until 5:30 pm. That was my day today. I have a CT scan tomorrow. See my oncologist and get chemo on Tuesday.
Can't get that nightmare out of my head............sigh.
Hope you all had a better day...ha!
I saw one man with diamond rimmed eye glasses and a white suite. Everyone had aged at least 20 years since I had seen them last. One group of people walked by, and in the center was an old crush, he still had the same blue eyes and striking white hair. He walked past me, glanced at me, and then continued as if we had never met.
One of my very best friends had lost a bunch of weight and she donned a golden dress and glamorous hat. She walked to the back of the room and into the smaller third of the building. Just as did my old crush and several other people who I deeply cared for. As the ones I knew closely went to the back and out of view, the one's I did not recall seated themselves at the tables in the front two thirds of the room. The walls were not painted and the floor was cracked. One long bench ran the length of each wall.
On the benches were men with knives and women who carried bright blue books and little blue patches that looked like band aids. I would find out that the patches were the difference between life and death.
I stood there for the longest time and watched carefully as each person entered the room, and I watched where each either sat or disappeared into the back. My sweet kitty cat Marilyn was with me, in my arms, watching over me, like she always does.
One of the men stood up from the bench and said something to me in a language foreign to me, and it was not something good. I became very fearful as he grabbed me and put me in a choke hold. I could see a knife coming into view from behind and knew he was going to slit my throat. Just as he was about to cut me, one of the women with a blue patch and blue book waved her hand at him and quickly placed the patch on my neck. The monster stopped and backed away in anger. I was shaken and scared. I ran off towards the back of the room and the patch fell off of my neck.
Just as it hit the ground, another man grabbed me and tried to use his weapon on me, just exactly same way. I felt like I was in one of those wicked video games, the hunted one, the prey. My attacker was not human, more of a robot, mechanical in nature. Each time as before, a black scarfed woman placed a blue patch upon my neck and the attack was stopped. The man would sit back down and glare at me. All of these attackers were following me, each with a knife.
These attacks happened repeatedly as I walked from the front of the room towards the back of the room to be with the people I knew. With each blue patch only lasting a few moments, I was quickly attacked over and over and over and over.
Exhausted and frazzled to the bone, I finally entered the back room. I was carrying my cat and as soon as we crossed into the safe zone, she jumped out of my arms and disappeared into a fog.
The smaller room was freshly painted, and filled with my friends who were laughing and having a good time. My old crush was off in the corner with his girlfriend and my old friend was dancing in a conga line, still wearing her golden dress and hat. We will call her Kairee.
Kairee had changed her life from when I had known her a long time ago. She was very happy now, after losing weight. She now was happily married and owned her own mortgage company. She pulled me aside and said she wanted to give me a chance to get back on my feet. She offered me a job but my heart sank because I hated sales and had done this before. I was not good at things like this, having never been successful at any job that was purely for the money. I knew I would fail. I had no choice though and could see that she was doing well, was stable and wanted for nothing. So I accepted her offer.
My office was downstairs and she pointed me to an old wooden staircase deep in the fog. She sat at her table, the room turned dark green, and her associates surrounded her wearing their black suits and high end shoes. I did not receive a warm welcome, except for from Kairee. She hinted not to worry and I went down the stairs.
The steps were many, probably over 20, straight down into the darkness. The whole room was old, wooden, dusty and filled with furniture and broken crates and boxes. A few light bulbs hung from the ceiling as I stumbled across what I could see as a floor. I was lost and became swallowed up in the dungeon.
I became fearful that my cat Marilyn would never be found again, as I had seen her disappear in that fog and knew she had come down these stairs. As I frantically started searching for her and calling for her over and over, screaming as loud as I could, "here kitty kitty, Marilyn where are you?", dozens of other cats appeared from out of nowhere.
Each cat had a feature similar to sweet Marilyn, but she was not in sight. Each time I saw a cat, I would run up and try to catch it and see if it was her. It felt like an eternity and I became exhausted looking for her. I scrambled all over the place looking and looking and found myself running from the mechanical men with knives. Once again being attacked and then saved by a blue patch.
While looking for my cat, one of Kairee's associates appeared to me and threatened me, saying I was not going to be approved by the company insurance policy and would not stay employed for long. I was losing everything, my job, my cat, and fearing the loss of my life over and over.
Off in the distance was a fluffy old couch, maroon colored, made with cotton cloth.
I pulled away the musty cushions and found my kitty cat and pulled her safely up in my arms. Just as I did this my cell phone rang. It was my brother asking how I was doing. Thank God he called and woke me up from that awful nightmare.
I went back to sleep and did not wake up again until 5:30 pm. That was my day today. I have a CT scan tomorrow. See my oncologist and get chemo on Tuesday.
Can't get that nightmare out of my head............sigh.
Hope you all had a better day...ha!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy 2013 Wish For You
Our family has survived one of the most challenging years of our lives. Sweet mom on the upswing now after multiple hospitalizations, I am still on chemo, and other very endearing family members coping with new illnesses and lots of change. We have also experienced joy with a very bright cousin moving on to Johns Hopkins, kids changing to better schools and opportunities to receive visitors from close family from far away places.
The little joys, coffee with mom, a short drive with my sister catching up and sharing a laugh or two, seeing my nieces and nephew play together, laughing and being real. Hearing funny stories about aunts and uncles. Seeing beautiful cards in my email box from a dear friend in California. Seeing mom get surprise roses from a friend. Leaving the doctor office remembering the words, "things look better now". Getting a text from dad saying I love you. Getting to say I love you to my mom almost every day.
Waking up to see my beautiful kitty kat purring over my face, hungry for her first meal of the day, but patient and graceful as she waits (except for the one day she nubbed my head with her teeth, guess I slept too long). Marilyn gives me much needed laughter and love. I feel like a little kid when I get to play with her. She will chase a little ball. She will run in and out of this little kitty tunnel, and have me chase her. She will let me carry her around in little boxes. (Still cannot download the video of her and singing around the tree but it is on my facebook page),
The little joys in life are what keep us going day to day. My goal this year is to give more little joys than last year. Leave my spaces cleaner when I leave. Be even more polite and offer everyone a smile, even if I don't feel like it.
I am continuing chemo in January. I am extremely fatigued, but am compensating for that. I just work around it. I make the most out of my awake time, work, be with family, and my kitty. I work on my heartfelt causes to increase awareness of ovarian cancer and now have taken an interest in helping find peaceful ways to protect children in schools.
The tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School brought us to our knees. This can never happen again. God Bless the survivors of Sandy Hook.
January is a much dreaded time of year, cold and dark. It is the perfect time of year to clean out the clutter that takes us away from giving true love and joy. I need to find more time to attend Church services, with my fatigue, I never wake up in time. I have to do that, I dearly miss Mass. But God knows how much I love him as I pray morning and night.
My New Years wish for you is to experience and give more little joys to yourself and to those around you. By spreading little joys, and giving more smiles, who knows how that one little action could energize someone to do something they need to do........because they felt a tiny dose of love.
Happy New Year to each and all of you. I do love you all and pray that 2013 brings more joys, better health, more security and happiness for you and yours.
God Bless you and your family.
Happy New Year
Love,
Denise
Monday, December 24, 2012
My Christmas Wish
If this Christmas you had one chance to ask for a miracle, what would you say?
This year has been really challenging for our family. I cannot tell a lie. My sweet mom, our heroin of life, our rock has been sick most of the year. Long hospital stays, multiple heart attacks and serious complications from her diabetes. We never made our trip to Bainbridge Island. Today we were supposed to go out so she could do Christmas shopping for the first time, that was the plan. Instead she was once again very ill today and it broke my heart. She has not yet had a chance to enjoy the celebrations of this holiday season. I am praying on Christmas Day that she is freed from this pain and illness so that she can relish in the joy of seeing her grandchildren and daughter and son-in-law....and me too.
Many people in the family have been challenged with new illnesses, working more, surgeries and worries. I have been in chemo since March of 2012. Juggling chemo, side effects, fatigue, nausea, etc etc etc and working part time and fully participating in every way possible to help mom, in a way that works for her, has been rocky.
Recently I am receiving psychological counseling to manage what may be true to the form anxiety attacks. That sequence of abdominal pain followed by nausea followed by sweating and shortness of breath and panting, losing focus and just getting plain overheated all over is not actually a hot flash. So now I am learning how to cope with that problem in a new way. I never had these episodes before cancer.
The blessing is that we are here to experience all of this suffering. I know that sounds bad, but those sweet babies at Sandy Hook Elementary never had a chance to live long enough to experience such pain. They are little lights in heaven with God.
So now it's time to reflect on the blessings. The pain and suffering that wreaks havoc on all of us is a blessing for Jesus suffered on the Cross for us, as God loves us so much that he sacrificed his only son to forgive us of sin. We must forgive to find peace.
So back to the first question, if you could get one miracle, one chance to have anything in the world, what would your wish be for Christmas?
I know what mine is.................I want for each of us to embrace the true meaning of love and keep that feeling for all of humanity, all living creatures. Love one Another as God has and does Love You. Rid yourself of hatred and destructive thoughts. Leave nothing for the sickness to hold onto. Love your neighbor as you would love yourself and trust in the Lord.
I am so passionate about the future for our children to include loving environments and peace. I got a little sidetracked but felt compelled to publicly state an idea that could help schools be just a little safer, without the use of weapons and armed guards. This comes from a very deep core belief that children will be emotionally and spiritually scarred if they are constantly surrounded by people with weapons. It is wrong to do this to them.
In order to foster a world of peace, we must trust, we must love one another. It would be hard to create and nurture that trust and love while surrounded by guns. It does not set well with me.
I want our children to love one another! I want you to feel loved, and that is my wish for you, to feel loved. Know that God loves you, and I love you.
Merry Christmas to you and yours, and may all your Christmas wishes come true.
Love,
Denise
.......................................................................................................................
https://www.facebook.com/RingOfHopeArmsAcrossAmerica?ref=hl
Instead of guns, lets begin to bridge the gap from the horrors of yesterday to the peace of tomorrow. I am asking for people to join hands to create Rings of Hope, around their schools when the children return from holiday break. Parents, family, good citizens uniting together for the day to show the children WE keep them safe. No guns. No weapons. We can do this now. Keep watch and be their loving guardians while the other solutions are discovered.
We need to elevate schools and our children so that schools are a center of life learning, for not only math, science and language, but culture, arts, health, communications, sports, leadership and community building. This is the opportunity for growth.
Please go to Ring of Hope, Arms Across America and stand with and for the children at your local school, be their sentry for a day. This idea has incredible opportunities to grow beyond one day of strength. Please speak with other parents and see if they will join you.
All you need to do is just hold hands, be arm in arm, for the day that your child returns to school after the holiday break. When the children see how strong we are, and they see the love, they will feel safe. We don't need guns to help them feel safe.
Help to create a Ring of Hope around the school for that day.
https://www.facebook.com/RingOfHopeArmsAcrossAmerica?ref=hl
Instead of guns, lets begin to bridge the gap from the horrors of yesterday to the peace of tomorrow. I am asking for people to join hands to create Rings of Hope, around their schools when the children return from holiday break. Parents, family, good citizens uniting together for the day to show the children WE keep them safe. No guns. No weapons. We can do this now. Keep watch and be their loving guardians while the other solutions are discovered.
We need to elevate schools and our children so that schools are a center of life learning, for not only math, science and language, but culture, arts, health, communications, sports, leadership and community building. This is the opportunity for growth.
Please go to Ring of Hope, Arms Across America and stand with and for the children at your local school, be their sentry for a day. This idea has incredible opportunities to grow beyond one day of strength. Please speak with other parents and see if they will join you.
All you need to do is just hold hands, be arm in arm, for the day that your child returns to school after the holiday break. When the children see how strong we are, and they see the love, they will feel safe. We don't need guns to help them feel safe.
Help to create a Ring of Hope around the school for that day.
https://www.facebook.com/RingOfHopeArmsAcrossAmerica?ref=hl
https://twitter.com/RingOfHope
Saturday, December 15, 2012
In Memory Of 26 Lights Of Love
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/15/victims-connecticut-school-shooting/1771765/
Forever we will remember these beautiful innocents:
Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female
Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male
Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female
Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female
Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female
Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female
Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male
Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female
Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female
Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female
Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male
Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)
Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male
James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male
Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female
Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female
Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female
Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male
Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male
Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female
Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female
Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female
Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female
Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female
Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female
Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male
Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female
Like many people today, I am shocked, dazed and deeply saddened by the killing of 26 innocent women and children at Sandy Hook Elementary School yesterday. As I write this I am not even certain that the event happened yesterday, time escapes me. Writing out a few thoughts helps to recalibrate this feeling of being lost, numb, tearful and worried. With that, trying to comprehend how it feels to be in Newtown, CT. Complete immersion in the devastation and grief. A sense of calm comes forth knowing that the people are reaching to God and to each other as they move through this painful time.
It brought back the crystal clear memories of Columbine High School, the radio announcement, the snowy cold day, and me pulling into a parking space in downtown Denver to sob. Looking at the guy in the car next to me, doing the same.
At Sandy Hook Elementary the majority of the victims were sweet little children, just babies. To try to make sense of this or understand reasoning behind this madness seems futile, but we will try.
As a person who thinks about death far more often than one should, the greatest fear about death is suffering through it. We will never know the extent to which those sweet little children and their heroins suffered. Too much to bear to think about.
Before this day, their beautiful little lives were immersed in simple joys like having a play date with a best friend, making a drawing in art class, baking cookies with mom and reading bedtime stories with dad. It's really difficult to grasp the overwhelming awareness of how in just a mere instance of time, this community was forced to their knees.
Breathe deeply for a moment .................
Our capacity to love is grand and in spite of this horror, more of our neighbors are good than bad. More will help than hurt. More will protect than abandon.
More love than hate.
God swept up these angels into His arms at the moment of their death and they are protected and cannot be harmed again. They will never fear again.
I found a proverb that sort of rounds out all the turmoil 29:26-27
"Do you want justice? Don't fawn on the judge, but ask the Lord for it! The good hate the badness of the wicked. The wicked hate the goodness of the good."
Give your angst, your pain, your fear, your grief to God. For God will take it and help you to be strong. The families of these innocents need all of our strength and prayers. They are weeping from a place that I cannot imagine.
Rest In Peace Dear Innocents of Sandy Hook Elementary School
May the Lord's Blessings Be With You
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)