Today I feel a little better. I just have to let go of expectations for my life. I really just want to help my family, that's all. I want to be able to take care of myself, that's all. I don't need to travel the world, I don't need to win a million dollars, I don't need to climb a mountain, I don't need to do anything spectacular.
I just want to feel love and give love.
My CA125 is rising slightly, now 12. The nurse said that the last time it was also 12, I thought it was 10. Confused a bit on that.
I am trying not to worry, under 30 is normal. But a slow steady rise is not comfortable. I just have to let it go, I have too many other things to take care of and I can't do anything about it anyway.
I just hate the feeling of instability.
I want to know where I'll be in six months or a year. I want to just have stability.
I sent my medcal appointment schedule to DVR today, and I meet with them again on the 24th of Feb for benefits meeting. That seems so far away.
My white counts are low again. It's getting time for a neulasta shot.........
Anyway,
Have a good weekend.
CDC Symptom Diary Card
Friday, January 07, 2011
Thursday, January 06, 2011
whatever
Pleasantly surprised to find that the seasons channel on cable is still playing Christmas music..yay. Anyway, I wanted to share up to dates on health, work progress, help needed, etc. My body feels "OK" and I think the new supplements and cantelope are helping my belly. My nausea is not as strong, still every day, but more manageable.......which gives me great hope.
First, since I've been battling cold with strong cough, I had to reschedule the psyche appointment. I hope to see them this month. I really do need at least one visit, especially after I finsih telling you about my appointment with voc rehab.
Second, went for CA125 lab and port flush yesterday. I asked them to pull a CBC because it's time to get my WBC counts..........so we'll see. I'll know all that in a few days.
Third, I see the breast nurse practitiioner at end of month for thorough breast exam....for BRCA1 mutation maintenance. Let's hope all goes well and no lumps please.
Fourth, voc rehab is driving me crazy. I met with "G", nice enough young man. He claims he never received my medical records until lately. But after I asked him to look, they were stamped as having been received by end of October. WHEN IM MET WITH THE FIRST PERSON IN EARLY OCTOBER, I SAID I HAD RESOURCES TIL END OF JANUARY, THEN THAT WAS IT.
Well, here we are and the next step is for me to do a community based trial work for 2-3 weeks, unpaid.
The want to see if I' ready to return to work. The problem is that "G: didn't even know what skills I had or anything. Plus, I already said that going back to my original type of work was bad because my arthritis is worse since my cancer. I can do spurts of things, like wash car, or clean room, or move small piece of furniture......but working 8 hours per day filing or typing is way different. I need a new career!!!!!!!!!!!
ASSUMING I LIVE long enough to graduate!
I hate these people. They have it all backwards and are not geared for cancer patients. I only earn 626 per month on disability. I just need a fricken part time job that won't kill me, and have that for a bit to build up my tolerance. Then I want to do some training to see about working at home!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go back on chemo, which I probably will have a recurrence, than I can work from home.
Why is this so hard to understand?????????????????????????????????????????
Plus mom wants me to move out soon, she will be starting some serious health treatments and would prefer to be alone. I can understand that, but she'll need some help.....
I just don't understand why she won't just let me help for a while when I'm working part time, so that I'm there in case she needs someone and I'm then able to build up residual to move out.
No, now I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll keep looking for part time work along with the millions of other people.............I hate this fucking disease. Meanwhile the bitch who misdiagnosed me is earning a healthy stocky MD figure living the high life. Fuck her.
Lost
First, since I've been battling cold with strong cough, I had to reschedule the psyche appointment. I hope to see them this month. I really do need at least one visit, especially after I finsih telling you about my appointment with voc rehab.
Second, went for CA125 lab and port flush yesterday. I asked them to pull a CBC because it's time to get my WBC counts..........so we'll see. I'll know all that in a few days.
Third, I see the breast nurse practitiioner at end of month for thorough breast exam....for BRCA1 mutation maintenance. Let's hope all goes well and no lumps please.
Fourth, voc rehab is driving me crazy. I met with "G", nice enough young man. He claims he never received my medical records until lately. But after I asked him to look, they were stamped as having been received by end of October. WHEN IM MET WITH THE FIRST PERSON IN EARLY OCTOBER, I SAID I HAD RESOURCES TIL END OF JANUARY, THEN THAT WAS IT.
Well, here we are and the next step is for me to do a community based trial work for 2-3 weeks, unpaid.
The want to see if I' ready to return to work. The problem is that "G: didn't even know what skills I had or anything. Plus, I already said that going back to my original type of work was bad because my arthritis is worse since my cancer. I can do spurts of things, like wash car, or clean room, or move small piece of furniture......but working 8 hours per day filing or typing is way different. I need a new career!!!!!!!!!!!
ASSUMING I LIVE long enough to graduate!
I hate these people. They have it all backwards and are not geared for cancer patients. I only earn 626 per month on disability. I just need a fricken part time job that won't kill me, and have that for a bit to build up my tolerance. Then I want to do some training to see about working at home!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go back on chemo, which I probably will have a recurrence, than I can work from home.
Why is this so hard to understand?????????????????????????????????????????
Plus mom wants me to move out soon, she will be starting some serious health treatments and would prefer to be alone. I can understand that, but she'll need some help.....
I just don't understand why she won't just let me help for a while when I'm working part time, so that I'm there in case she needs someone and I'm then able to build up residual to move out.
No, now I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll keep looking for part time work along with the millions of other people.............I hate this fucking disease. Meanwhile the bitch who misdiagnosed me is earning a healthy stocky MD figure living the high life. Fuck her.
Lost
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Joyous Year ahead for 2011
At least for this we pray............what a great idea "happy new year". Well I am hopeful for an even better 2011. That's about the best I can do, for a resolution maker I am not. Plus, I'm starting it off with a cold and was in bed by 10pm. I did get to have fun watching Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper do their fun little show. I think they should get together.......despite any rumors about AC. I think he's fabulously handsome.
They make the perfect couple.
Anyway, onto more serious topics, like LIVING. Having been graced with the opportunity to talk with a few friends over New Years Eve really brightened my day and reminded me that friends can be the cornerstone for living long healthy lives.
My mom and I were talking about this for most of the day. The most important loss she has sustained in moving to Seattle was the loss of close friends to "be with". Seattle is not an easy place to get to know new people. Everyone's covered from head to toe in rain gear, and running. It's hecka heck to drive around out here, it's like living in a maze. A lot of effort goes into planning a car trip across town, just a drag. So it's hard to meet new people,
I go to Church and for the most part I relish in the opportunity to say hello, offer Peace, and be surrounded with a strong sense of community. It lifts me to talk with God in his house. Not everyone goes to church though, not everyone wants to go to a community center, or support group. Somehow though, someway, we must find more ways to create meaningful healthy relationships with others, others who really do care.
The whole "It takes a village" thing is true. AND, when we are receivers, we also need to be givers. Maybe not all at the same time, but it's healing to be giving. I always find ways to give with prayer when I am ill. But I want to do more. All of us can give with our prayers.
I really want to engage in a non-profit or start a non-profit to help women with ovarian cancer. Maybe it will hone in on the needs of single women. Single women who get cancer are really in a challenging place because although she may have good family and friends to help, the constant "partner" isn't there by her side to help with the details and daily things that are personal.
When you have cancer, sometimes all you want is just someone to hold you for a while.
That being said, my hope is that for you the year 2011 brings riches in friends, family, jobs and community. May the Lord Bless your home with Love and Peace.
Happy New Year,
Denise
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