Sleeping

I still sleep 11 to 12 hours per day, no matter what time I go to bed.  No matter

what I do the day before.  I wonder if my medications cause me to be so

sleepy or if I'm still depressed.

This is a concern because eventually I need to really live a life that has some sense of normalcy.  Maybe "normal" isn't what I need to strive for.  In the world of my imagination I see myself running a non-profit organization that helps women blindsided by ovarian cancer.  In another world I do good deeds for the homeless. 

In another world, I make pottery and sell it on etsy, donating a portion to

ovarian cancer research.

I wonder if I will ever live alone again or have my own apartment.  I guess that is not really important. I really enjoy being with mom, even on our "bad" days. 

 I sometimes think she tires of me. 

Whatever I do in the future, I can't be sleeping 12 hours per day. 

I am still very anxious about being in large crowds because of my neutropenia.  Yesterday my sister's girls participated in a karate demonstration at a Seattle event called "Bite of Seattle".  I really wanted to go, but my WBC is low and I should be getting a shot for that this coming week.  Plus, I have this huge fear of getting severe nausea and vomiting still. 

I hope I'm not turning into a basket case.

I did speak with a kind woman from Cancer Lifeline (local support organization) last week.  She invited me into the center to take a tour.  I'm moving at a snail's pace on reaching out for support, but it feels right to me.  I must be driving my sister nuts, she is really pro-active and doesn't waste time. 

 I love her so much.

Anyway, I need to find a way to get up each day by 8am.  That is my short term goal for this week.  Let's see if by the end of the week I can awaken at a normal hour.  

Be Love,

Denise 

forgiveness

I have been relishing in the warm weather, joyfully awaiting each day knowing that I can actually walk outside and be comfortable.  Seattle's summer is short.  We have a small window of opportunity to do what we want in order to feel "satisfied" before the tiring rains begin again.  There is little time to worry or wonder about regrets or postpone plans.

That is sort of what I feel in terms of my well being.  I don't want to live my days with regrets, unanswered calls, forgotten business, unresolved matters of the heart and will, issues with the past etc.  Yet each day I am faced with an opportunity to do something to resolve some thing.

I opened my mouth today and accidently revealed something that was not supposed to be said to another.  The mistake was truly a mistake, I was not aware that this condition existed and now I feel bad.  The problem is that this one incident is part of a larger festering unresolved conflict that involves a group of people I love dearly, and we are all involved.  It's a matter of long standing problems that have caused immeasurable pain for others, and there seems to be no resolution.  It is simply a painful situation, and my heart breaks because I want to wave a magic wand to make it go away.  I want to turn back the clock and do things differently.  I want to fix it. I can't.  It hurts.

So I apologized for making my mistake and I apologize again. 

So how and why do we continue to live our days knowing that we have unresolved conflicts, pain and anger, nestled in each fiber of our being?  Why can't we just fix our lives?  Why can't we instantly forgive and forget, let people be who they are and have no expectations.  I don't know but if we lived our lives by only loving one another we would all be happier. 

I will continue to make right my wrongs as best I can until I die.  I have had a brush with death, just enough to appreciate forgiveness and love.  I have to work hard each day to be what I preach, so to speak.I am far from the best example. I will pray for all I love to live a life of love.

Be Love

My hair