A glimpse of sun

A beautiful day was today

Nothing to wash my smiles away

No thoughts about cancer or it's return

Just beams of sunrays around every turn

God hear my prayers that my loved ones are healthy

Fine spirit and body, humbled not wealthy

Let them feel love, radiance and glory

Let them have peace, content and no worry

Be Love

Denise

Birthdays

Yesterday was my 46th birthday.  It was a beautiful day.  Mom and I went over to Patrick and Mandy's house in the afternoon.  We played with Laria and Addie.  We created our "summer fun" calendar for the kids so that they won't get bored.  I had a chance to talk with Aunt Debbie.  I responded to many wonderful well wishes on facebook.  We had a really nice greek dinner and a taste of sorbet and carrot cake ice cream.  I got to watch a little bit of a movie with the girls.  Overall, it was truly a special day.

The only thing I wanted was to treasure time with people I love.  I missed seeing my brother.

I missed my friends from California.

I wasn't sure I would be here for this birthday.  This time last year I was in horrific pain and eveything I knew to be true was turned upside down.  Now everything is new, fresh, scary, uncertain, but hopeful and filled with opportunity.  I get waves of depression and get stuck, but know everything will be OK with God's help.  I'm in the right place.  I love you to all my family and friends. 

Thank you for a beautiful day.

Be Love

frozen

I feel stuck today

I'm standing at the top of a tall narrow pillar, blindfolded

Frozen

Fearful of any movement in any direction

Why, I do not know

Be Love 

wants

I could be anywhere doing anything
I want to be here

I don't want to be in a crowd of people I don't know
I want to recognize the smiling faces around me

I don't want to be alone yet I want a private space
I don't think I can rely wholy on myself as of yet
But I want to be free and independent

I wish no more pain or sickness to be inflicted upon my body
I just want grace and peace

Will I be a blessed recipient of peace, grace and strength?
Can it be so?

Update from oncology appointment

I saw Dr. Gray today.  It was so nice to see her, she was very encouraging.  My CA125 is 8, which is really good.  Her exam revealed no concerns.  I told her I was still foggy and got tired easy, but was doing better.  We spoke again about possible recurrence and reviewed the symptoms.  Again, with ovarian cancer, it's all about subtle changes. 

She was so kind in trying to speak with me realistically about recurrence, saying that for a group of women, there is no recurrence.  There is no way to predict for me if I will fall in or out of that group.  So I need to continue to take life day by day, and use each 3 month check-up as a mini-milestone of progress.

She encouraged me to try to be as active as possible and if it felt right, join a support group like Gilda's Club.  She is right.  I just haven't had the energy to join a group yet, but it's getting time.  Especially since this first year or so after chemo is so uncertain.

When I came home I was just so extremely exhausted.  I think emotionally it drains me to confront my situation.  I don't dwell on it, but it lingers every day, like stagnant air, suffocating at times.

On other days I feel so happy and excited, I have a second chance.  So I exist rolling up and down these hilly trails each day striving to make a difference.

I pray for God to continue to lead me in the right direction, making my eyes and ears sensitive to His calls so that I may serve. 

I felt better after my nap today.  Sleep always helps me. 

On to tomorrow and a fresh start once again.  I have a wonderful oncologist and am so grateful for her.

Be Love