mother nature

The other day I was blessed with the ability to pull weeds.  Now, that may not sound like a lot of fun, but I was truly in a state of total calm.  The soil dark and rich with nitrates reveals the essence of life.  It had just rained and the soil was soft on my hands, easy on my joints, sweet on my senses.

It reminded me that as our bodies return to the soil, mother earth, our spirit goes with God to be in eternal serenity. (At least that is my belief). 

Touching each grain of richness, saying hello to a few earthworms, and enjoying the fragrance of the dirt and grass caused me to breathe deep and smile.  In the background I could hear the birds singing their stories for all to hear.

For that moment was a beautiful moment.  And for each moment, is a beautiful moment, if only we can create it to be so.

And then I was blessed again on Saturday with a visit from Mandy and her children.  We played, laughed, watched the Kentucky Derby and talked.  Mom was thrilled. It was so wonderful to just take a moment to forget about problems and be happy.

drugs

I just posted a little blurb about the outrageous costs of medications on Facebook.  Not enough space allowed on Facebook to go into detail, so here I will explain what I meant.

In January, the cancer center started injecting me with neulasta instead of another immune system enhancing drug.  Neulasta was great, it lasted three weeks.  What they didn't mention is that neulasta costs over 7 thousand dollars per injection!  My 24 hour stay at the hopsital for Cisplatin cost less than my neulasta injection. 

Thank God a million times over for insurance, but I do have to pay a portion. 

I needed the injection, there is no dispute.  I have been in a fog for the duration of my chemo.  As the fog clears, I am becoming more and more aware of nuances, wondering why I never even inquired as to the medication's cost.  Usually I do ask about costs.

Well, anyway, Congress really needs to find a way to pressure pharmaceutical companies to make their medications more affordable.  They really have an advantage. Like being the only water pump in the Sahara desert, supply and demand rule.

My gratitude remains strong, just experiencing a little irritation.  Here's to better days. 

Lighter mood today

Today is a brilliant and beautiful day.  Sunshine, warmth and flowers fill my view.  Today I went to have my port flushed (the port is like a permanent IV access point on my chest wall).  It felt good to be able to wait in the lab waiting room and not be totally anxious and fearful.  I was relaxed with the half hour wait, watching others, wondering about their stories.  I saw people prepping for chemo, some not.  Some were anxious and upset about the wait, others quiet and motionless.

I met with the social worker afterwards so that she could help me with some much needed paperwork.  The one thing that will ring true for all people with cancer is that managing your cancer is a "job" indeed.  I have invested a lot of time and energy into organizing and keeping up with invoices and insurance statements as well as documenting all events associated with my illness.  When chemo has it's claws in you, it is a real challenge to find the energy to open the mail, believe me.

So anyway, the social worker was very nice and she plans to help me as much as she can.  I made an extra effort to thank her again and tell her that the cancer center's staff are angels, just pure angels. 

Chemo really puts you in a deep fog and takes your soul away, your energy, your spirit seem to all disappear.  I am not fully back together but feel so much better. 

A few weeks ago I received a handmade "get well" card from some children that attend my church's school.  I purchased a thank you card today.  I feel bad that I hadn't sent it yet, but the truth is that sometimes the smallest responsibilities and activities have at times felt like trying to run in quicksand.  I want them to know how much I have appreciated their kindness.

I also borrowed a book from the cancer center library that talks about how diet and exercise can help prevent breast cancer.  I figure that since I need to eat healthy and exercise anyway, I just as well follow a useful program.  Unfortunately there looms a doubt that I will live to see any breast cancer because my chances of an ovarian cancer relapse exceed the risk of BC.  Not to be a downer, it's just my reality.  As a matter of fact, as my body heals more, it seems that I am a wee bit more able to deal with "odds" and "risks".

Only God knows when we die.  I really believe that I am here for a specific purpose.  God has saved me so many times before.  I am feeling the urge to really tap into and exercise this unknown talent, and use it.  It will come and it will happen.

For today is a bit better than yesterday and who knows how tomorrow will go.  Here's to that tomorrow will be.