This Thursday I will receive what is supposed to be my last Taxol treatment. On the same day, my Uncle Rich will receive his final radiation treatment. I am very happy for Uncle Rich. I just wish I was not so depressed.
My sister and I will be joined together at the hip on this last visit for chemo, and I will be embracing her support. It sounds strange, but I will miss our routine. I cannot for the life of me find anything valuable enough to return the energy, but I am looking.
Our celebration is clouded with recent unexpected news related to my genetic testing. I have tested positive for the BRCA 1 genetic mutation, and unfortunately so has my beautiful sister. The BRCA 1 genetic mutation occurs in both males and females, and indicates an increased risk for both ovarian and breast cancer.
I cannot remember if I have mentioned this yet. For the longest time I blamed myself for having ovarian cancer, wondering what I had done to my body, what did I do to deserve this. The genetic test results are a scary wake up call to our family and truly overwhelming.
My sister has the best and healthiest attitude, to take things a day at a time. Our next step is to visit the breast imaging center and most likely be scheduled for a breast MRI. Regular mammograms are not sufficient testing techniques when there is a known genetic mutation.
Our mother looked up some interesting and important history on the BRCA 1 mutation: I hope the above link takes you there. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/san-luis-valley.html?c=y&page=1
I feel a bit paralyzed, and think I will need antidepressants. I can barely commit to 5 minutes on the treadmill, still feel like a tire ran over my stomach, and can't imagine my life in 3 months or 6 months.
The only energy that drives me is that I need to pray for my sister and brother, my mother and all my relatives that noobody else has the mutation. I will be praying diligently for my sister. She is the most amazing person I know with a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls from China. My mother inspires me every day to be a better person, as I see how she plugs away at life in spite of brittle diabetes. Every day is a challenge here at home for us all and I can't bear any more news of any more cancer in our family.
So we will get our MRIs and pray, and deal and cope and pace our responses. We will love and support each other through this time.
I love my family so much and hope that I will serve them well in the future. Still ascertaining my calling. I can only take things one day at a time here.
Love,
Denise
CDC Symptom Diary Card
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Almost done
I need to thank Mandy again for being so helpful in being with me during chemo. I want to thank my mom also for always being there to help my needs at home. I have been depressed.
Next Thursday I go for my final scheduled chemo. I see my oncologist in March and in March I will be able to ask my oncologist about my status and follow-up care. I am so lost as to my calling and can only pray that I will find a home doing something good for others.
My goal for now is to finish chemo and get my digestive health in order. Last time around I almost wound up with a bowel obstruction and am absolutely paranoid of the whole thing. It is a battle. I used to be all well in that department. The nurses say that the chemo negatively affects your digestive health, so hopefully in a few weeks I can get a better handle on it.
In the mean time I am fighting my depression and trying to get prepared for the next battle. I love my sister so much and we will fight this together.
Love,
Denise
Next Thursday I go for my final scheduled chemo. I see my oncologist in March and in March I will be able to ask my oncologist about my status and follow-up care. I am so lost as to my calling and can only pray that I will find a home doing something good for others.
My goal for now is to finish chemo and get my digestive health in order. Last time around I almost wound up with a bowel obstruction and am absolutely paranoid of the whole thing. It is a battle. I used to be all well in that department. The nurses say that the chemo negatively affects your digestive health, so hopefully in a few weeks I can get a better handle on it.
In the mean time I am fighting my depression and trying to get prepared for the next battle. I love my sister so much and we will fight this together.
Love,
Denise
Thursday, January 28, 2010
coping with more pain
I am still having abdominal pain from my surgery in July of 2009. Today is a bad day. I have been battling nausea all weak, along with fatigue. I am the queen of couch potatoes. I just don't want to do anything.
I go again for chemo tomorrow, scheduled to receive Taxol. I have to admit I am weary of the chemo and pain. I am tired of micro-managing my diet and not being able to eat certain foods. The thing is though that my mom suffers more. Her diabetes is so fragile, yesterday all she could eat was a bowl of soup because her blood sugar levels stayed high. This is despite her giving herself more insulin. I feel like she is starving sometimes and it pains me to see her suffer.
It doesn't help that seemingly every TV show, commercial and event is centered around food. Food is an obsession in this country. In Haiti, people are becoming so weak from lack of food that they are not able to carry their own bags of rice and beans. Juxtaposed against the horrific scenes unfolding on the island are fast food bargains, restaurant commercials, and grocery advertisements. Pizza commercials reign.
I pray every day for the people in Haiti, I pray for my mom to be able to just eat like a normal person and have a meal. I pray my sister can do the same. I just want my pain to go away. I am tired.
My chemo will start wrapping up towards the end of February, and that will make a grand total of about 6 months of self poisoning to rid myself of any traces of ovarian cancer. I am still searching for my calling and praying for those that I love to be safe, healthy and happy. We all deserve a life fulfilled. We need to contribute. We need to be needed, that is our nature.
Love,
Denise
I go again for chemo tomorrow, scheduled to receive Taxol. I have to admit I am weary of the chemo and pain. I am tired of micro-managing my diet and not being able to eat certain foods. The thing is though that my mom suffers more. Her diabetes is so fragile, yesterday all she could eat was a bowl of soup because her blood sugar levels stayed high. This is despite her giving herself more insulin. I feel like she is starving sometimes and it pains me to see her suffer.
It doesn't help that seemingly every TV show, commercial and event is centered around food. Food is an obsession in this country. In Haiti, people are becoming so weak from lack of food that they are not able to carry their own bags of rice and beans. Juxtaposed against the horrific scenes unfolding on the island are fast food bargains, restaurant commercials, and grocery advertisements. Pizza commercials reign.
I pray every day for the people in Haiti, I pray for my mom to be able to just eat like a normal person and have a meal. I pray my sister can do the same. I just want my pain to go away. I am tired.
My chemo will start wrapping up towards the end of February, and that will make a grand total of about 6 months of self poisoning to rid myself of any traces of ovarian cancer. I am still searching for my calling and praying for those that I love to be safe, healthy and happy. We all deserve a life fulfilled. We need to contribute. We need to be needed, that is our nature.
Love,
Denise
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