Body Image, dating and freaking out

"J" and I had such a great phone conversation on Monday.  We talked for almost an hour, everything from the Bin Laden situation to religion to kids' soccer.  It's been a really long time since I had a guy show any interest in me and it felt pretty good.  I am relieved to say that yes, he believes in God, and has some Catholic in him.  Yay.  The most important thing was a belief in God.  He doesn't regularly go to church, but that's fine, no judging here, he has kids and stuff.  So anyway, with all that's going on in the world, I am a bit consumed with this new individual floating around my little world here.

He invited me out tonight for a light dinner and drive, because I am new here in Seattle, that would be super.  I of course said, "sure".  Well, as today progressed my panic grew.  I'm not ready to date, just not, no way.  I never knew I wasn't ready to date, how could I know until now.

Oh geeeze, my stomach got all upset and I said to mom, I have to cancel.  She said "why".  I said "Because I'm not ready, I just can't date".  Mom and I talked a little and I sort of gave her the short version of all my issues, but she understood.

See, I can tell "J" and I have good chemistry.  He makes me laugh and he's very good looking, and we seem to be able to have good conversation.  I know in my heart there will come that moment when we could kiss or something and I just can't start that.  I have too many issues related to having gone through all the debulking surgery.  Some issues are body image, not feeling pretty or sexy or whatever.  Some issues are that I literally have all this pain and cramping.  I just don't want anyone else to actually have to deal with that.

I'm not in the same shape I was.  Even though I'm not overweight, I have a lot less muscle tone.  I'm exercising every day but trust me when I say, it ain't what it used to be.  Haven't a clue if I'll ever
get my tone back.

I don't want to be the one to disappoint in the end so I sent him a text saying that I was a bit of a mess and needed to cancel but could we talk.  So he called me and we talked for a bit.

I expected him to totally say that this was too much information, too many problems and good luck.  Instead he became empathetic and caring.  He just said that if "friends" was all I could do right now, that was cool.  He didn't want to have pressure on dating necessarily, but it was up to me.  I was so relieved.

So we are supposed to have a coffee or something on Thursday evening.  I just want to have fun with him for now while I work out my issues.  PLUS, I don't want to get attached to some guy and then have him drop me because I have all these issues.  It's better that we just be friends and get to know one another, and see what happens.

This roller coaster of emotions prompted me to call Gilda's Club.  I have an appointment later this week with a social worker to see if going to a support group would work for me.  I have been in denial that I needed a support group.

I feel safe in my little room, being with mom and just doing the minimum in terms of treatment for now.  I just haven't really gotten on board full scale to heal my heart.  My heart is a mess, and I have no self confidence.

I am close to becoming a nun, no joke.  I have often thought that I should spend the remainder of my life in prayer, that works for me.  I never in a million years thought I'd even have one  more date.  I realize I sound like a teenager here, but it's true.  I mean, I didn't expect to survive, let alone meet a cool guy.

I owe everything to God, and am resolute to doing my best to honor in God in every way.  

There is a plan, and I have no clue what it is.  All I know is that the more I listen to the little voices in my heart, the inklings, the feelings, the better I do.  If I would not have said anything, gone out on a date, knowing that I have no intentions of intimacy for a really long time, that would have been wrong.

So the friends thing is good for now.  I do like him.  

I still need to have my mastectomy.  I mean, there's just too much left unsaid right now.

Well, thanks for listening.  I hope this makes sense to somebody.

I just need to address some emotional issues on a more personal scale, and really handle them.

Love you and Peace

Dating after cancer, complicating

I just had a wonderful date with a guy I met at a hospital here in Seattle.  I was shocked that he asked for my number, but I gave it to him anyway.  We had met one time before when my mom had a prior surgery, so I was familiar with him.  He works there.

He smiled a lot and generates a good "vibe" so I thought, well, what's the worst that can happen?  

We chatted on the phone the other day for about 15 minutes and set a date to meet at a 

casual Mexican food place for dinner.

I am not sure I'm ready for this step in life.  I mean for all practical purposes, I literally have no "date" clothes.  I threw all that away when I moved from California, only so much was gonna fit in my car.  I  needed to make sweat pants a priority.  I can't wear jeans any more, so that was just a waste of trunk space.  Anyway, a girl likes to dress up, even if it's for a taco.  (Actually I had pasole, and it was yummy).

The REAL reason I'm not ready is the obvious, intimacy.  Read no further if you don't want to know about all this, but it's part of life and most healthy people have a partner.  Truth be told, I only want intimacy with the man I marry.  At this point with all I've been through, nothing else is OK.......sigh.

He (J) is cute, funny, adorable and I know that we'd do fairly well for a while.  He's fun, but real, down to earth, has kids, is really responsible....hello?????

But I may have a prophylactic mastectomy in the next year or so.  What if my cancer comes back?  I still have all kinds of icky problems from Chemo, and abdominal pain, etc.  My huge scar.  Do I really want to get all excited about a good guy only to at the end of the day have to say goodbye because of my cancer issues.  I couldn't blame him.  He doesn't seem the type, but he has his wishes, just like everyone else.

He knew I had ovarian cancer before our first date, so I gave him an out right away.  We talked a little about it again, lighthearted discussion, and he still wants to see me again???

He is so sweet.  I want to just take it a day at a time.  I haven't been on a date in over two years.  Yikes!

So.....I don't know, I'm more comfortable with me and God.  God loves me no matter how icky my body is or how much nausea I have or how terrible I look.

People are different.  If I'm dating I want to look pretty and not be feeling bad.  

Well we have a long way to go anyways, cause we haven't spoken about real important stuff like religion and politics yet.  So....really the most important thing is God.  Politics aren't really a barrier, he has a good heart, I can tell.  But I go to church all the time and want someone who is faithful to God.

I pray he is, and I pray he can accept me.  But should it not become more than a friendship, he will be one of my finest male friends here in Seattle.  If he wants that.

I don't know what to do here.  I guess I'll just go along with what God has presented to me and see what happens.  I feel really lucky that I went on a date.  I thought that would never happen again.

PS.  my neuropsyche results are in, just need to get our appointment set.  So I'll be sure to let ya'll know about that.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Dogs that can sniff cancer from ABC News

http://news.yahoo.com/video/health-15749655/can-dogs-sense-cancer-25023195

This is an impressive video clip about how dogs can help catch cancer in it's early stages.  I learned about this segment from a teal sister on inpire.com.  Thank you for sharing this with us.  I want all my followers to know more about how man's best friend is truly a life saver.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Denise

Pateeta, may your sweet heart rest in peace

I am writing to say that our dear teal sister, Pateeta, has passed away.  I did not want this day to come.  We knew it would be here.  I am so sad.  Pateeta was such a strong, spirited, fighter. 

She was a rock to us in the ovarian cancer community.

See her blog "Shades of Blue"

Dear God, please keep Pateeta close to your side, keep her warm and safe, happy and well. 

 Rest in Peace Pateeta.  My deepest sympathies to her family.

We love you Pateeta and will miss you dearly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless

Testing Day

Yesterday I completed another round of cognitive testing with an assistant to a neuropsychiatrist.  I was wiped out, and had to take a nap when I got home.  I was toast for the rest of the evening.

My examiner was friendly, I'll call him "B".  He was a really nice guy, young, hard working, and seemed to know what he was doing.

I had to drive to a new building in downtown Seattle, so of course I got a little lost but made my way.  I parked, walked around a bit not knowing the best entrance because the main doors were locked.  The parking attendant helped me along to the skybridge.  I had to call "B" twice to help me find the Starbucks.....trust me there was no signage.  Anyway, I was nervous, probably a contributor to my rocky start.

The total test time really was about 4 hours.  We went into a "little room" and he asked me a zillion questions.  I was nauseous and had some abdominal pain, the usual.

He did try to make me feel comfortable and explained each section along the way.  He asked me to remember lists of items, meanings of words, to remember story content, re-draw things from memory, put blocks together, do math, and finish sequenced drawings on paper, amongst other things.

I remember from my last round of testing that I thought I did better than I actually did, so I dare not try to predict my outcomes.  I can only say that I know I did better on some parts versus others, but who knows.

I really had a hard time with remembering lists and it wasn't until this morning that I remembered who painted the Sistine Chapel.  I could see the fresco, visualize the other works of Michaelangelo, yet could not remember his name.  That's so darn frustrating.

For real I have a hard time reading.  I can play around on the computer for long bits of time, my eyes get tired.  Reading a book though is different, for some reason.  I get real tired, can't stay focused.

Anyway, "B" seemed proficient enough and let me take a break when I needed it.  He's probably given this test so many times, he's memorized it by now. 

I think I was given the WAIS-III, because I saw part of the cover of the testing manual off the side of his computer.

So what will this matter in the long run?  I think it's really important because maybe patients on chemo may need to be more proactive with mental exercises as part of their treatment, IF that's even possible.

I remember being so drugged out I couldn't concentrate on TV, now that's bad.  Feeling like an observer, like other people are talking, but I'm not really there.  "wa wa wa" kind of thing, all the time.  I had just no excitement.

The only emotion I remember while on chemo is fear.  Real true fear.  Fear of people breaking in the house, fear of other people dying, fear of the shower head, fear of everything.

Now that fear is gone, but I still worry about other people more than normal.

If the rest of my life consists of me as who I am with huge holes in my memory, then OK.  I am alive. 

How will I be able to work though if I have a really bad memory or can't process information correctly?  That's the rub.

I remember the other day for the first time in two years I drove around an extra 20 minutes to listen some CDs and sing in my car.  I LOVE music and am really just now starting to enjoy it again.  I want to have a little place of my own, blast music, sing along, dance in the kitchen, and just laugh. 

I have to believe that I will make it and earn enough to live my own life again, I just have to.

Sigh.  So there is a lot riding on this test.  I pray the outcome is that my defecits can be mended or at least compensated for somehow. 

If I have two years or five years, I want those years to be meaningful.  I feel engaged in life now.  I feel ready, even though I still need 12 hours of sleep per day, I'm more awake and more energized. 

I will post my results...........not sure when I'll get them.

Well, this is Easter week.  Always a trying time for me.  I feel the pain of Jesus so deeply and although the ultimate joy will be his resurrection, the week of Easter seems to always bring me a real challenge.  Always has, like a car accident or losign a job.  So I pray this year I am free of any additional pain.

I thank you God for my family, friends, doctors and the opportunities before me.  I pray that my mom has good news this week, that my niece regains her inner joy and that my family stays strong and healthy.  I pray each of you feel God's love each and every day.

God's Peace and Blessings to you all.

Denise