Lynparza On Hold Again, Sigh

​Hello friends.  My lynparza is on hold again, as of March 7th, because of a low ANC (.3).  Not doing any gsf as of now and will get labs drawn next Tuesday.  Pain still there, my little cross.

I went to confession last night and felt great Joy.  It’s lent, my favorite liturgical season. Today, in contrast, I experienced a few struggles with my environment and work.  Sometimes I just need to be away from people, not a good reflection of my spiritual state, but I have confidence that much of my struggle rests in neurological triggers not yet subdued. 

Whether it’s a noxious smell, rushing or fears of job loss, there is a need for me to complete the upcoming EMDR treatments.  I really want to be alone when I have anxiety (others would pry like me to do that as well… ha). I am praying the EMDR treatments will improve my quality of life.  I have so much to be gateful for and need to remember our struggles can bring grace.

The current inability to stabilize my cancer brings back bad memories of when the radiologist missed the increased cancer activity on my CT scan (Jan 2021).  There is still some “what if” questioning that appears out of nowhere. The only way I can have peace with those medical mishaps is through Christ, but to achieve THAT I need quiet time. I long for a silent retreat. 

Lots of ups and downs.  Thank you for listening to my rambles.  It helps to write it out.  We can’t control what is tossed in our direction.  We can make good choices but sometimes we’re simply overwhelmed.  We react instead of choose.

God is an all loving God who forgives in abundance.  People…. not so much.  Ha.  The lenten lesson that resonates with me this week is “only see Jesus”.  It was hard to do that today. Tomorrow is new. God Bless you.

Thanks, love Denise ❤️

Lynparza Ups And Downs

​Good morning. Feeling unsure but placing all of this in God’s hands. We are in Lent and my inner joy is growing! I’ve been coping with ovarian cancer for over a decade and am very blessed to have been granted this time. I am needed right now by someone and am grateful to God that I can be helpful. Financial stress is huge right now but it’s not eliminating my joy. I still have an apartment, so I’m happy. 

I had to take a break from Lynparza due to neutropenia and anemia. My CA125 creeped up a little and I have more pain. I’m now on a modified dosing schedule and pray I can maintain myself with that. I love my new oncologist.

My prior adverse reaction to a bone marrow stimulant has made me very leary of it’s use but appearantly you can have doses of it when prescribed oral treatments, you just need to hold oral meds on the day of the injection. So intervention with gsf is reserved for emergency only as it caused my RA to flare badly, I don’t know why. Sigh. 

Missing my Marilyn so much! Home feels empty without her.  Thank you for listening.  

Love,

Denise

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Missing My Marilyn

​I cry when I come home, missing my Marilyn.  Thank you Lord for the precious moments offered from you to me and my kitty. Let us also pray for the soul of Tyre Nichols and for his grieving family. Our pets have childlike hearts, if only our hearts stayed sweet. Love and God Bless you.

RIP My Marilyn Girl

​My only reason for wanting to stay on earth has passed away.  My cat precious Marilyn, sweet Marilyn Monrovia, was laid to rest on December 26, 2022. Please say prayers for her sweet feline soul.  She had kidney disease and was ready to go.  💔💔💔  She is no longer suffering. 

Marilyn, who will forever be part of my eternity, had been with me since 2012, after adopting her at age 5.  We were meant to be together.  I loved her deeply, she listened to me and comforted me throughout my cancer battles and personal struggles. Jesus sent us to each other. I adored her, loved caring for her, holding her, playing with her and simply admiring one of God’s most loving and beautiful creatures.  She never abandoned me.  

I hear the silence, it’s unbearable. Her purrs are gone.  Her kisses are gone.  Her heartbeat is gone. The warmth of her little body napping on my lap is gone. The little games she liked to play at night when it was time to sleep are no more. I’ll never see her waiting on the window sill for me to come home. When I open the door there is no sweet wonder at my feet. No more toys and chasing games in the apartment. No more loving watching her watch the birdies. No more playing with her on the balcony. No more seeing her happy when she ate her favorite treats. No more watching her watch big cats on tv. I feel empty inside. There is no life in my apartment now.

What IS forever are the precious memories in my heart and treasured photos and videos of her, as one of God’s unique creations. His precious Marilyn was given to me and I was honored to love her all these years. I will always love you Miss Marilyn ❤️💔❤️💔❤️💔❤️💔 Say hi to God for me. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

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Our Lady Of Guadalupe, Pray For Us

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Happy Thanksgiving

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The Dark Day Is Light Again

​Praises to Jesus for my priest.  Reminded this evening that life is not resting here but in The Kingdom of Heaven. Our Holy Saints are closest to Him and by my remaining in prayer for their intercession, the pains of this world will dissolve.

Life here is fleeting, for my life and your life is intended to exist in Heaven, eternally. It will only be through a more focused life of prayer that I can remain in this state of peace. That is my desire. 

All Glory and Honor to the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.  

Amen

The PeaCock

​The Peacock is loved by his colleagues but despises patients who question him.  Especially those who do so in front of others.  I had a Peacock, he may very well have killed me.

Feeling dark today.  His mistake let my cancer grow for a year without treatment.  His colleagues don't care.

Brain Fog

​https://apple.news/AM-TIpo6eQEmwVq20cGuZPg

I've tried to type and save this 3 times. Ha. I'm back on Taxol, my chemo brain is in full swing.  Covid research is helping cancer patients with chemo brain to be better understood.

God Bless you!

Denise

Bone Scan and #11

​Praise God, the bone scan is clear.  This pelvic pain is not as worrisome now.  Great news. I go to my part-time job in a few hours, have treatment tomorrow and have planned a day trip to the Royal Gorge on Sunday with my friend Pat.

A little story about Arnie. I was in southwest Colorado this time last year.  My sister called me to tell me of his passing and it was of course devastating news. I was told there was no immediate service planned so we stayed on the trip. 

The next morning my friend Patrick and I took the Durango-Silverton Railway tour. My assigned seat was #11, Arnie's favorite number.  It took my breath away to sit down and see the #11. I sobbed and thought that maybe he was telling me hi from up in the heavens.  ✝️❤️✝️ Thinking of his children. 😞  This is a really special photo. 

After Prayer

​I have been keeping busy.  I went to a movie (Tom Cruise) with friends Monday evening. Tuesday was a long day at the hospital for my bone scan.  I felt better emotionally, in spite of my nerves.  Forgiveness is a process.

I feel like I live in an asteroid field right now.  My new oncologist needs a baseline and I do not want to have to think about more mets.  I can't avoid it though.  Monday was not a good day mentally or emotionally but I am coming around.  I am tired of cancer mets, this whole issue is an asteroid field.  I want to travel and do good things. 

The only thing I can do is pray for Jesus to use my suffering for His will. It takes a LOT of work for me to get in this space.

After my bone scan yesterday I went to adoration, prayed the Rosary and confession. That was followed with Mass.  I cried of course because of my brother and prayed to not be in this asteroid field any longer.  I prayed for my enemies. I just want to have a joyful heart no matter what.

Later today I find out the scan results. I will write that all out tonight or tomorrow.  Every time I talk about cancer I get upset.  Every time I talk about my previous gynonc and his social worker I get upset.  It doesn't mean forgiveness is lacking but I live in an asteroid field and that could have been prevented.  

Peace

Missing My Brother and Dread

​Today it was suggested that I write out my feelings.  This is an unexpectedly stressful and sorrowful week.  I wish I could run away, childish feelings but it is the truth.  I don't want to be in my skin. I miss my brother.

The anniversary of my brother's death from cancer last year is fast approaching and I never got to say goodbye. I had no idea about the details of his death and It really hurts that he is gone. I miss you and love you Arnie.  I don't know why you were sent home to God and that I remain. God is in charge and I wish I could have changed that.  ✝️✝️✝️

I have a bone scan tomorrow because my right hip and other areas of my pelvis (symphysis) hurt.  New oncologist being thorough and cautious, for which I am grateful.

The scan brings up a lot of fear and negative emotion, really negative, but I will try to just stay busy until my next appointment. I can't really shake this because I'm angry about Feb 2021 medical error, but I will try.  I know God is there but I feel raw today.  

My new oncologist is trying hard to catch up but I feel dread.  I always ask God for help.  I'm seeking EMDR treatment to deal with medical errors from the past because THOSE memories and feelings are also hurting me. I feel trapped in them.... and it takes up space I need for other things.  I want to run away.  

Praying I have good news on Wed evening.  I miss my brother. I miss Arnie ❤️  

Update: Feeling Reassured !!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

​Update:  Thank you all so much for your prayers!  They really helped. 

I had a really good appt with my new oncologist and I am so pleased.  They did apologize for mishap.  I will get increasd in Taxol but we will keep it to what I can handle.   I am so relieved that my new team is supportive.  Thank you again... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️