Voc Rehab update

Hi there.  I had two voc rehab appointments this week. 

On MONDAY, I met with the rehabilitation sciences counselor, and she gave me some homework to revise my resume.  She was hoping to facilitate a meeting with myself and the manager of a horticulture center, but that isn't really working out time and distance-wise.

The good news is that she will now be able to speak directly with the state DVR rep,  because I signed a release for her.  She is so nice and sincerely wants to help me.

TODAY I finished most of my aptitude testing at the other Seattle location.  The state DVR rep contracted an outside agencey to administer all kinds of testing to see "where I'm at".  Needless to say I felt like a total failure today.  My niece is probably smarter than me by now (she's gifted and was probably smarter than me at age 3)  Anyway, I had to complete a series of timed math, reasoning, spatial, and association tests.

The environment wasn't great because a lot of people were talking and I had a hard time focusing on algebra.

I guess I could have cheated and practiced math ahead of time, but I really wanted my results to be pure.

I mean, I NEVER had incomplete on my standardized test scores!  EVER.  I had good testing results as a kid out of high school.  Not a genius, but definitely above average.

Now, after chemo, processing things takes more time.  I forget names, faces, events, etc so easily.

She tried to make me feel better by saying "hardly anyone finishes the math one."  Ha.......In the past I would have finished.  I was a great student, took honors classes too...................sigh

I will be so totally depressed if the results come back that I've dipped in aptitude, in any area.

I just couldn't think fast enough, and got confused on the best approach to solving many of the problems in all the different testing areas.

I'll let you all know the results, I have nothing to hide.  I just don't want to look like a dummy on paper.

I need to take one more test and then she has a special interview for us to complete.

After that, she will run all the tests together for scoring and analysis, and formulate formal recommendations to me.  I am going to ask for copies of all results though, for sure.

No matter what the outcome, after the testing is done, I am going to make a special effort to improve my mental skills somehow.

I've never been a 'less than optimum" student...................never.  This is actually really scary.

I hope I'm overthinking this and that the actual results won't be that bad.

I wonder if I can use this to get my student loans pardoned....HA

Peace

Bad day yesterday

If you read my Travel post, I'm sorry.  I had an awful day and night, and just needed to vent.  Tonight my sister helped me iron some things out.  I love her very much..........

Some Giggly notes today

Isn't this the funniest little photo?  I needed a giggle today and maybe you will giggle too.

They say that laughter can be curative and healing.  I really hope so.  I had more nightmares last night.

Imagine someone you love being swallowed by a giant fish-lizard.  Imagine going for a scenic drive, getting lost, and the only way back is to drive up a road that is at least 80 degrees at the angle.  Imagine watching people fall hundreds of feet, but then miraculously getting up and walking away. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

So to cap things off, here's a little giggle about what it's like to have chemo-induced confusion, compliments of one of my OC sisters.  Peace and God Bless

A.A.A.D.D.

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage

 can under the table,and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first..

But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't

accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of

Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail....

Limboland

Feeling like nothing is under my feet today, nightmares again.  Oh how they keep me on my toes.  Life goes on.  Embrace the day.

To the people in Egypt, keep fighting, never quit!

Tears

The Mitch Gift post and the story of OC Warrior1026 "If cancer was easy they'd call it your mom" is so heartfelt, so touching, I just have to encourage you to read it.  I'm speechless................................

Fight with a fury

The passion of the pro-democracy fighters in Egypt is amazing.  I leave my TV on CNN when I go to bed and periodically wake up to check in and see what is happening.  We truly are blessed in the US.

As cancer patients and survivors, it feels like we need the same amount of "fight" to maintain a strong hold on the track to survival.  We should be rallying in the streets just the same for equal health care for all.  We should be rallying in the streets demanding a real cure for cancer, not just more tests on treatments!

I read somewhere that today is World Cancer Day. 

I'm tired of the marketing campaigns and am ready for the money to be spent on the nitty gritty, the truth.  Why do our bodies spin out of control?  Is it the toxic water?  Is it the toxic air?  Is it the toxic food?

Deep inside I think somebody has the answer, but isn't really able to share. 

We need to get our "fight on" and win this battle and win the war on cancer.  I wish I had the "how" for you, but I don't.  I'm just feeling frustrated today.  As I watch the plight of the people in Egypt, and pray for their safety and that they are able to gain true freedom, it makes me want to "do" something.

So I write.

Please say a prayer for mom, her cousin and my brother-in-law's uncle.  My mom needs a kidney, and the other two are facing the war with cancer.

God Bless

More nightmares

My brother made this tweety bird when he was either in the second or third grade.  According to mom, my brother incisted that we put it on the Christmas tree, and this little guy has become a seasonal "regular" ever since.

I say this today, being February and all, only because I was looking for a treasure to touch my heart.  Today is just a crazy day in the world.

Egypt is in chaos, Australia is facing a catastrophic typhoon/cyclone/hurricane, and the US is facing catastrophic snow and ice event.  Every day I get the joy of experiencing time with mom, hearing from family, reading blogs and journals from OC sisters, emails from friends, and yet I still have nightmares.

Last night I dreamnt that I was attacked by a pack of dogs.  In the dream, I was visiting a family and they had at least a dozen dogs.  The house was all junky and the family had lots of kids.  None of these people are "real" people I know, just fabricated people.  I was sort of an uninvted guest, arriving to return some clothes I had borrowed.  I entered the living room and was assaulted by big dogs, and they were of all kinds of different breeds.  The thing was, they would growl and put their jaws around my ankles, but only press lightly, to intimidate me.  Then, amongst them were a few gentle loving puppies and smaller dogs who "loved" me.  They would come up to me and beg me to pet them, making my heart sing with joy.

The father of the house was trying to teach me how to gain the trust and love of the big mean dogs. He was telling me how to talk to them, how to reach out, how to signal to them that I wanted love, not harm.  So I tried and tried, but was only able to gain the trust of a few dogs.

Suddenly, the mom of the house asked me to take two sick dogs home, so that I could care for them.  She gave me two dying smaller dogs, and I embraced them and took them home.  My roommates got angry with me for bringing them home and made me place them on the outside porch.  I was looking at them and then I was suddenly thrust back into the home of that same family again.

Only this time, their house was an airplane trapped under water.   Like living under the sea, you could look through the windows and see fish, dolphins and whales in the beautiful blue water.  The family again was annoyed with my presence, but was polite and asked me to play a game of cribbage.  Only, it wasn't cribbage, it was a game I'd never seen before. It was more like something you'd see in a Harry Potter movie, and I was terrible at playing the game.  Suddenly, the airplane started to succumb to the pressure of the water, and started leaking.  We all started running out of the plane and ran straight back into the dark and cluttered house.

Then I woke up.

So as I sit here and type, and watch the news, and wonder why I can't get my behind up and exercise, I wonder what THIS dream means.  Just bizarro!

Ironically, I was on You Tube last night watching cute puppy videos.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I hope we find some warmth and peace in the world today.



God Bless





Mom and I at the beauty parlor

Today I had the great pleasure of taking mom to the salon for a hair re-do. I have not had my hair cut since it started growing back from chemo. Mom was up in arms over her hair and was desperate for a change.

My hair grew back super kinky curly, gray, and just really a nightmare to style. I had been managing with simple straightening of the front and top, while leaving the curls to fend for themselves. But.......lately my hair has started looking like clown hair, so the time was now to make a change.

For now I'll have to get my sister to take a photo of mom and I over the weekend, and I'll post that photo. Mom is a bit camera shy right now.

The goal was to be happy with our hair and our goal was met.

I just want to live at an Aveda salon, I mean, luxury, spa, candles, lotions, art, everything you need to feel beautiful. I wonder what they'd charge me for rent. Anyway, this beautiful litte girl in the above photo is my mama, Jane. Isn't she sweet?

Love to ALL!

Vocational Testing has begun

Today was the first of two days of vocational testing.  I do the rest of the testing next week.  Before I go into details I need to express the complete and total gratitude I have for the fortune of receiving these tests.  I have been lost for such a long time when it comes to career, and since getting cancer and chemo and surgery , that just shattered what little confidence remained within me.

I don't know how long I'll be here, but I really do hope that this testing puts me on a clear and purposeful path that allows me to help others and feel gratified at the same time.

Today was a series of "bubble" tests concerning interests, psychological health and an assessment of my barriers to work.  Nothing addressed my actual ability or aptitude, meaning I strongly like dancing but probably not a candidate for ballet in this lifetime.....oh well.

I just feel like a total failure.  My mom says I was speaking full sentences at 6 months of age.  I did well in school without much effort and had an ace memory before cancer.  Now I can't remember what you name a game of "squash" without help.  I can drive to new places, just afraid to........maps confuse me more than they used to.

I feel like chemo stole my soul, part of my mind and emotion.  I feel like it drained my passion and put my legs in cement blocks.  I "want" to do so many things, but just don't.  I can sit and stare forever.............

Anyway, I am so happy that this ball is in motion.  So grateful to God that he keeps sending me little angels to help me along. 

Love you all!

Denise

Either Called "Chemobrain" or "Chemofog," the Long-Term Chemotherapy-Induced Cognitive Decline in Cancer Survivors Is Real - OncologySTAT

'Here's chemobrain for you, I can't remember if I've posted this link of or not. Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive comments. Hugs.



Either Called "Chemobrain" or "Chemofog," the Long-Term Chemotherapy-Induced Cognitive Decline in Cancer Survivors Is Real - OncologySTAT

Nightmares

I can't understand it, but for the past three nights in a row I have been having nightmares.  As I sit here and type, I can visualize last nights epic adventure into mayhem.  It was just awful, terrors in a church, and I lived in the church, a little cute cottage attached off to the side.  Hundreds of people were trying to help me escape the attacks and I was ridden of all my posessions.

Maybe this is a sign.  I have nothing to really speak of, a car, a computer, a few clothes, a TV and an exercise machine.  What I actually have is the Grace of God's beauty all around me, my loving family and friends.  My compassionate doctors and nurses.  The neighborhood kitty that likes to say hello.

I don't really want for what I don't have except to say that what I have is what I want.

All I know is that my dream literally scared me to surrender everything.

Maybe tonight I will dream about puppies!  HA

Love to all

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/In-The-Know-With-OCRF--Teaming-up-with-SheROX-Triathlon-Series-and-More-.html?soid=1102150261756&aid=7VrRvYybVDk

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/In-The-Know-With-OCRF--Teaming-up-with-SheROX-Triathlon-Series-and-More-.html?soid=1102150261756&aid=7VrRvYybVDk

Blocking rogue gene could stop spread of cancer, new research suggests

Here's some interesting research. One day I hope to see an article that says "we know why you have cancer and here's how to prevent it". Until then, this will be a great start.




Blocking rogue gene could stop spread of cancer, new research suggests

Moments go by and off we go

RIP to my dear cancer sister, Daria Maluta.  You were a brave and articulate compassionate soul, striving to help all your cancer sisters.  Just a few weeks ago you were set to participate in a new clinical trial and suddenly things changed.  You had so much grace, and worked so hard to tell us how you lived.  You really cared about everyone around you................

I am deeply saddened by the loss of another sister to cancer.  "Why" will never be answered.

All we can do is all we can do, to breathe love in and out and around to those we love.

My precious sister and I spent some time last night just talking over coffee while her kids were at karate practice.  It felt so incredible to just talk and share and see her smile.  I pray every day for God to grant my family the ability to share joy with each other and others in the world.

God Bless you all.

Love,
Denise

Breast health and voc rehab update

Today I went to the SCCA for a thorough breast exam.  The results were good, the nurse practitioner found no unusual bumps or issues.  Next appointment should be around March, to include a mammogram.  She asked me if I was ready to discuss prophylactic mastectomy due to the BRCA1+ mutation.  I'm not ready yet for that, that's all I could say.  For now I'm just grateful to be without noticeable change, and free to forget about it for a few months.

I saw State DVR rep yesterday.  We also had a representative from Harborview Med Center there, to talk with me about a comprehensive vocational evaluation.  The CVE will be a better test than working in the community for a few weeks under constant supervision with constant testing.  I am so relieved.

Next week I will begin the testing, starting next Wed afternoon.  It'll take 3 - 4 hours to complete the first part of the test.

I don't know too much what to expect, but do have a general idea of what it could be due to my own work history.

This is a hard week for my cancer friends, several going back in hospital, and two on home hospice.  Things seem to turn so quickly in cancerland.  Even when you are well, suddenly from nowhere it comes again.

Please pray for them and pray for my mom, that her kidneys recover and that her diabetes stabilizes.

I love my family so much.  My brother and sister are rocks........My aunt and uncle beach rocks.....

Love,
Denise