CDC Symptom Diary Card

Monday, October 22, 2012

The ticket nobody ever wants to get

I'm not sure if it is because Halloween is coming or that I'm on chemo, but the nightmares were relentless over the past 48 hours.  I completely missed yesterday because I was so sick, thank God my sister could come over this afternoon and bring me some soup, and a few little meals for the cat.  When she arrived I could barely stand up straight.

It all began Friday night with nightmares from hell, and I say that most literally.  My dream, in techno-color, started off with a ghoulish man offering me a ticket to hell.  He smiled at me and said it would be perfect for me, that I would be  happy and that I will get to be there forever.  I don't remember accepting the ticket, but I found myself in what would otherwise be a musty moldy dirty sorority house. Lined up along the wall with other recruits, we were taken in small groups to our headquarters.  I was to stay in this extra large master suite, which off to one side had a maternity room and off to the other was someone's master bedroom.  It was a beautiful setting.  The finest marble, linens, and one tiny bottle of perfume on the bathroom sink.  

I know we were all ghosts, and that this room had tragedy written all over it.  Now I remember that there was a reverend n the main hall of the sorority house of ghoul, and he wanted me to pray.  He demanded that I pray some prayer sends people to hell, and I refused.  I started say "Our Father Who art in Heaven...." and he stormed fuming mad and yelled "Happy Easter".

One of the recruits had been sanctioned to remain in what would later become known to me as a crib, but at first I just thought she was to big for the bed.  She was literally stuck in the crib and said that she was never going to get out of if, no way to repair the damage.  I felt scared.  There were four other ladies who had to share the space in this master suite, and we did not get along.  The rules were that we had to attend daily classes and when not in class we were to be in our suite.  But the suite was cluttered with furniture, but no extra beds.  I of course missed my ride to class and begged for one of the other ladies to take me, which she did but it came at a price.  The drive was scary to and fro, and when I was in the residence, I became the target of ridicule.  For example, I had asked for make up advice, and my enemy gave me this deep magenta lipstick.  I had said I wanted something off color or unique and she turned that into "unattractive" and the lipstick was designed in such a way that it never stayed on the line you created, so my face was always messy.

At night I would fly with a group of other ticket holders and we would chase down innocent people walking in the street.  It was absolutely frightening, they would look back up towards me and scream, and I would just chase them.  This scenario ended with one of the male ghouls wanting for me to be his bride and I think my brain blew a gasket and I found myself in another nightmare.

I was in transition, moving from one house to another.  I could not afford where I was living and my room mates did not want a sick room mate (in this dream I have cancer).  So I was forced to find something else.  Well, an unbelievable flat became available in a bad part of town, but the flat was not what it was represented to be.  I had read or had been told that I would have my own kitchen, bath, living space and bedroom.  

So I grabbed a few things to get ready for one night there, forgot food and coffee, but brought basics and some clothes.  The layout was open, lots of metal and glass in the interior design,  Pretty layout, with two floors, and one big pane window that looked to the Denver skyline.  It was raining like crazy.  I was getting comfortable when all of a sudden another family came into the space and started setting up shop in the kitchen.  I went in and said that this was my place and the husband said "no it's not".  He pointed down some rickety stairs and said that downstairs was my area.  

I went downstairs and the walls were unfinished, drywall on one side, dust, nails. no running water, no kitchen, no restroom, nothing.  Just concrete and unfinished work.

So I went upstairs to argue with them and begged them to let me stay on the main floor.  They eventually agreed.  It's at this point in my dreaming that I started to get nauseous, and I wonder if that is when my actual nausea set in.  (It's still Friday night).  So as they finished their dinner, they said their peace and went downstairs.  I suddenly started to panic because I could feel myself getting sick, and I had no food.  

It was now dark, raining heavily, and I had no idea where a store would be.  I rummaged through the cabinets only to find instant Folgers and those little creamers you find at an all night diner.

I must have been stuck looking for food for a while.  I did take a shower only to discover that the shower was a public shower, and one of the guys saw me.  Creepy.

So in real life on Saturday morning I woke up with a severe beyond horrible headache, nausea, sweats, chills, and abdominal pain.  I managed to call work to take some sick time, hoping I would be better for my second shift.  I took a compazine, and a zofran and other things to calm my stomach.  Called my mommy because when I feel like that I want my mommy.  I was so  sick.  My nightmares continued, resuming the ticket to hell dream, of course, and I woke up around 5 (?????)  I don't remember but had to call work again because I couldn't hardly stand.  

I managed another zofran and some water and back to bed I went.

My lovely adorable kitty cat stayed with me the whole time.  My sweet sister came over on Sunday afternoon with soup and cat food.

I have more nightmares to share but am too tired to type any more.(Grandma making me give penance about a car accident that I didn't start, but could have triggered, in the snow) and wild dogs....

The best part that has saved me Friday night, Saturday and Saturday night through all this sleeping has been my sweet little kitty cat Marilyn.  She does not leave my side.

I think when I get chemo, the anti-emetics given via IV during chemo just stop working suddenly.  I had a lot of nausea last time, that hit me several days after the treatment.   Thank goodness she came over because I could barely walk.

I am getting ready to have a bit more soup and go to bed, but wanted to share this because I am praying I am never offered a ticket to hell.  Purgatory is a grace, and I will gladly go there to cleanse myself of my sins, but not wanting hell.  No way........I wonder what these nightmares mean?

To better days?


  1. For sure...better days. What a powerful post. Glad I found you!


    Sunny and Take Back Teal

  2. Sweetie, I ride along with you in the nightmare parade, and yes, they can be horrible. I think it's mostly caused by all the meds we get. When I sleep without the nightmares, I awaken feeling like a new girl, or maybe it's the old girl pre cancer. The disease really is a life changer! HUGS

  3. Thank you Sunny and Cathy. Peace and Blessings, and to good days for you!!


Thank you for giving to me your precious time. I look forward to what you have to say. Peace and Blessings, Always.