The Peacock is loved by his colleagues but despises patients who question him. Especially those who do so in front of others. I had a Peacock, he may very well have killed me.
Feeling dark today. His mistake let my cancer grow for a year without treatment. His colleagues don't care.
https://apple.news/AM-TIpo6eQEmwVq20cGuZPg
I've tried to type and save this 3 times. Ha. I'm back on Taxol, my chemo brain is in full swing. Covid research is helping cancer patients with chemo brain to be better understood.
God Bless you!
Denise
Praise God, the bone scan is clear. This pelvic pain is not as worrisome now. Great news. I go to my part-time job in a few hours, have treatment tomorrow and have planned a day trip to the Royal Gorge on Sunday with my friend Pat.
A little story about Arnie. I was in southwest Colorado this time last year. My sister called me to tell me of his passing and it was of course devastating news. I was told there was no immediate service planned so we stayed on the trip.
The next morning my friend Patrick and I took the Durango-Silverton Railway tour. My assigned seat was #11, Arnie's favorite number. It took my breath away to sit down and see the #11. I sobbed and thought that maybe he was telling me hi from up in the heavens. ✝️❤️✝️ Thinking of his children. 😞 This is a really special photo.
I have been keeping busy. I went to a movie (Tom Cruise) with friends Monday evening. Tuesday was a long day at the hospital for my bone scan. I felt better emotionally, in spite of my nerves. Forgiveness is a process.
I feel like I live in an asteroid field right now. My new oncologist needs a baseline and I do not want to have to think about more mets. I can't avoid it though. Monday was not a good day mentally or emotionally but I am coming around. I am tired of cancer mets, this whole issue is an asteroid field. I want to travel and do good things.
The only thing I can do is pray for Jesus to use my suffering for His will. It takes a LOT of work for me to get in this space.
After my bone scan yesterday I went to adoration, prayed the Rosary and confession. That was followed with Mass. I cried of course because of my brother and prayed to not be in this asteroid field any longer. I prayed for my enemies. I just want to have a joyful heart no matter what.
Later today I find out the scan results. I will write that all out tonight or tomorrow. Every time I talk about cancer I get upset. Every time I talk about my previous gynonc and his social worker I get upset. It doesn't mean forgiveness is lacking but I live in an asteroid field and that could have been prevented.
Peace
Today it was suggested that I write out my feelings. This is an unexpectedly stressful and sorrowful week. I wish I could run away, childish feelings but it is the truth. I don't want to be in my skin. I miss my brother.
The anniversary of my brother's death from cancer last year is fast approaching and I never got to say goodbye. I had no idea about the details of his death and It really hurts that he is gone. I miss you and love you Arnie. I don't know why you were sent home to God and that I remain. God is in charge and I wish I could have changed that. ✝️✝️✝️
I have a bone scan tomorrow because my right hip and other areas of my pelvis (symphysis) hurt. New oncologist being thorough and cautious, for which I am grateful.
The scan brings up a lot of fear and negative emotion, really negative, but I will try to just stay busy until my next appointment. I can't really shake this because I'm angry about Feb 2021 medical error, but I will try. I know God is there but I feel raw today.
My new oncologist is trying hard to catch up but I feel dread. I always ask God for help. I'm seeking EMDR treatment to deal with medical errors from the past because THOSE memories and feelings are also hurting me. I feel trapped in them.... and it takes up space I need for other things. I want to run away.
Praying I have good news on Wed evening. I miss my brother. I miss Arnie ❤️
