Tears

The Mitch Gift post and the story of OC Warrior1026 "If cancer was easy they'd call it your mom" is so heartfelt, so touching, I just have to encourage you to read it.  I'm speechless................................

Fight with a fury

The passion of the pro-democracy fighters in Egypt is amazing.  I leave my TV on CNN when I go to bed and periodically wake up to check in and see what is happening.  We truly are blessed in the US.

As cancer patients and survivors, it feels like we need the same amount of "fight" to maintain a strong hold on the track to survival.  We should be rallying in the streets just the same for equal health care for all.  We should be rallying in the streets demanding a real cure for cancer, not just more tests on treatments!

I read somewhere that today is World Cancer Day. 

I'm tired of the marketing campaigns and am ready for the money to be spent on the nitty gritty, the truth.  Why do our bodies spin out of control?  Is it the toxic water?  Is it the toxic air?  Is it the toxic food?

Deep inside I think somebody has the answer, but isn't really able to share. 

We need to get our "fight on" and win this battle and win the war on cancer.  I wish I had the "how" for you, but I don't.  I'm just feeling frustrated today.  As I watch the plight of the people in Egypt, and pray for their safety and that they are able to gain true freedom, it makes me want to "do" something.

So I write.

Please say a prayer for mom, her cousin and my brother-in-law's uncle.  My mom needs a kidney, and the other two are facing the war with cancer.

God Bless

More nightmares

My brother made this tweety bird when he was either in the second or third grade.  According to mom, my brother incisted that we put it on the Christmas tree, and this little guy has become a seasonal "regular" ever since.

I say this today, being February and all, only because I was looking for a treasure to touch my heart.  Today is just a crazy day in the world.

Egypt is in chaos, Australia is facing a catastrophic typhoon/cyclone/hurricane, and the US is facing catastrophic snow and ice event.  Every day I get the joy of experiencing time with mom, hearing from family, reading blogs and journals from OC sisters, emails from friends, and yet I still have nightmares.

Last night I dreamnt that I was attacked by a pack of dogs.  In the dream, I was visiting a family and they had at least a dozen dogs.  The house was all junky and the family had lots of kids.  None of these people are "real" people I know, just fabricated people.  I was sort of an uninvted guest, arriving to return some clothes I had borrowed.  I entered the living room and was assaulted by big dogs, and they were of all kinds of different breeds.  The thing was, they would growl and put their jaws around my ankles, but only press lightly, to intimidate me.  Then, amongst them were a few gentle loving puppies and smaller dogs who "loved" me.  They would come up to me and beg me to pet them, making my heart sing with joy.

The father of the house was trying to teach me how to gain the trust and love of the big mean dogs. He was telling me how to talk to them, how to reach out, how to signal to them that I wanted love, not harm.  So I tried and tried, but was only able to gain the trust of a few dogs.

Suddenly, the mom of the house asked me to take two sick dogs home, so that I could care for them.  She gave me two dying smaller dogs, and I embraced them and took them home.  My roommates got angry with me for bringing them home and made me place them on the outside porch.  I was looking at them and then I was suddenly thrust back into the home of that same family again.

Only this time, their house was an airplane trapped under water.   Like living under the sea, you could look through the windows and see fish, dolphins and whales in the beautiful blue water.  The family again was annoyed with my presence, but was polite and asked me to play a game of cribbage.  Only, it wasn't cribbage, it was a game I'd never seen before. It was more like something you'd see in a Harry Potter movie, and I was terrible at playing the game.  Suddenly, the airplane started to succumb to the pressure of the water, and started leaking.  We all started running out of the plane and ran straight back into the dark and cluttered house.

Then I woke up.

So as I sit here and type, and watch the news, and wonder why I can't get my behind up and exercise, I wonder what THIS dream means.  Just bizarro!

Ironically, I was on You Tube last night watching cute puppy videos.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I hope we find some warmth and peace in the world today.



God Bless





Mom and I at the beauty parlor

Today I had the great pleasure of taking mom to the salon for a hair re-do. I have not had my hair cut since it started growing back from chemo. Mom was up in arms over her hair and was desperate for a change.

My hair grew back super kinky curly, gray, and just really a nightmare to style. I had been managing with simple straightening of the front and top, while leaving the curls to fend for themselves. But.......lately my hair has started looking like clown hair, so the time was now to make a change.

For now I'll have to get my sister to take a photo of mom and I over the weekend, and I'll post that photo. Mom is a bit camera shy right now.

The goal was to be happy with our hair and our goal was met.

I just want to live at an Aveda salon, I mean, luxury, spa, candles, lotions, art, everything you need to feel beautiful. I wonder what they'd charge me for rent. Anyway, this beautiful litte girl in the above photo is my mama, Jane. Isn't she sweet?

Love to ALL!

Vocational Testing has begun

Today was the first of two days of vocational testing.  I do the rest of the testing next week.  Before I go into details I need to express the complete and total gratitude I have for the fortune of receiving these tests.  I have been lost for such a long time when it comes to career, and since getting cancer and chemo and surgery , that just shattered what little confidence remained within me.

I don't know how long I'll be here, but I really do hope that this testing puts me on a clear and purposeful path that allows me to help others and feel gratified at the same time.

Today was a series of "bubble" tests concerning interests, psychological health and an assessment of my barriers to work.  Nothing addressed my actual ability or aptitude, meaning I strongly like dancing but probably not a candidate for ballet in this lifetime.....oh well.

I just feel like a total failure.  My mom says I was speaking full sentences at 6 months of age.  I did well in school without much effort and had an ace memory before cancer.  Now I can't remember what you name a game of "squash" without help.  I can drive to new places, just afraid to........maps confuse me more than they used to.

I feel like chemo stole my soul, part of my mind and emotion.  I feel like it drained my passion and put my legs in cement blocks.  I "want" to do so many things, but just don't.  I can sit and stare forever.............

Anyway, I am so happy that this ball is in motion.  So grateful to God that he keeps sending me little angels to help me along. 

Love you all!

Denise