Bone Scan and #11

​Praise God, the bone scan is clear.  This pelvic pain is not as worrisome now.  Great news. I go to my part-time job in a few hours, have treatment tomorrow and have planned a day trip to the Royal Gorge on Sunday with my friend Pat.

A little story about Arnie. I was in southwest Colorado this time last year.  My sister called me to tell me of his passing and it was of course devastating news. I was told there was no immediate service planned so we stayed on the trip. 

The next morning my friend Patrick and I took the Durango-Silverton Railway tour. My assigned seat was #11, Arnie's favorite number.  It took my breath away to sit down and see the #11. I sobbed and thought that maybe he was telling me hi from up in the heavens.  ✝️❤️✝️ Thinking of his children. 😞  This is a really special photo. 

After Prayer

​I have been keeping busy.  I went to a movie (Tom Cruise) with friends Monday evening. Tuesday was a long day at the hospital for my bone scan.  I felt better emotionally, in spite of my nerves.  Forgiveness is a process.

I feel like I live in an asteroid field right now.  My new oncologist needs a baseline and I do not want to have to think about more mets.  I can't avoid it though.  Monday was not a good day mentally or emotionally but I am coming around.  I am tired of cancer mets, this whole issue is an asteroid field.  I want to travel and do good things. 

The only thing I can do is pray for Jesus to use my suffering for His will. It takes a LOT of work for me to get in this space.

After my bone scan yesterday I went to adoration, prayed the Rosary and confession. That was followed with Mass.  I cried of course because of my brother and prayed to not be in this asteroid field any longer.  I prayed for my enemies. I just want to have a joyful heart no matter what.

Later today I find out the scan results. I will write that all out tonight or tomorrow.  Every time I talk about cancer I get upset.  Every time I talk about my previous gynonc and his social worker I get upset.  It doesn't mean forgiveness is lacking but I live in an asteroid field and that could have been prevented.  

Peace

Missing My Brother and Dread

​Today it was suggested that I write out my feelings.  This is an unexpectedly stressful and sorrowful week.  I wish I could run away, childish feelings but it is the truth.  I don't want to be in my skin. I miss my brother.

The anniversary of my brother's death from cancer last year is fast approaching and I never got to say goodbye. I had no idea about the details of his death and It really hurts that he is gone. I miss you and love you Arnie.  I don't know why you were sent home to God and that I remain. God is in charge and I wish I could have changed that.  ✝️✝️✝️

I have a bone scan tomorrow because my right hip and other areas of my pelvis (symphysis) hurt.  New oncologist being thorough and cautious, for which I am grateful.

The scan brings up a lot of fear and negative emotion, really negative, but I will try to just stay busy until my next appointment. I can't really shake this because I'm angry about Feb 2021 medical error, but I will try.  I know God is there but I feel raw today.  

My new oncologist is trying hard to catch up but I feel dread.  I always ask God for help.  I'm seeking EMDR treatment to deal with medical errors from the past because THOSE memories and feelings are also hurting me. I feel trapped in them.... and it takes up space I need for other things.  I want to run away.  

Praying I have good news on Wed evening.  I miss my brother. I miss Arnie ❤️