“What Do You Want Me To Do About It?”

​An almost perfect stay at a local hospital turned into the hospitalist treating me like I don’t matter.  Trying my best. I went to ER on October 15, 2023 with excruciating abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and shortness of breath.

Scan showed pleural effusions, right greater than left.  My absolute neutrophil counts were critically low.

During my stay I was seen by 2 hospitalists and a new one on the day of discharge.

The pulmonologist told me Monday he was not aware of pathology of pleural fluid.  2 liters right, 1 liter left (Fri/Mon).  I had 2 different pulmonologists. 

I’m finally home on oxygen and dilaudid. Counts much better. Exhausted, barely eating and weak.

Monday night I read through the notes and I find that there WAS a path done on Friday’s pleural fluid.

The report stated that right plerural fluid is positive for malignemt cells! That is traumatic info.

There I was all by myself, not even expecting the report, learning that everything from this point forward will be different. My CA125 is almost 2000.

I cried and told my friend Pat when he arrived later that eve to take my car home. After he and Sarah left I asked my night nurse why am I finding this bad news by reading it in my patient portal? I said I wanted to talk with the hospitalist first thing.  Of course that did not happen. 

My Monday hospitalist could have alerted the on-call hospitalist to tell me in person, but that did not happen.

This morning I asked to see a patient rep because the new hospitalist just kept saying there was nothing she could do.  She got defensive and kept complaining that she had just got there (hours ago). No apology.  

Nothing. This was traumatizing information that should have been given to me by a caring person. Instead I read about it like you would any lab result. 

Then an administrator came in and behaved worse, she said “what do you want me to do about it?” As if I am wrong for expecting better care. What did I do wrong?

This entire hospital visit has been terrifying because I am being forced to have conversations I’m not ready for. I had no idea I would be in hospital for over a week.

I haven’t even had a chance to talk with my gynonc.  She is in Greeley/Loveland.  I live 2 hours away from there. I finished radiation on Wed and had to go to ER on Sunday. None of this was expected. 

I had heard thar I can keep getting my lungs drained.  It looks like hospice is on the horizon.  I don’t want any more treatments that throw me in the ER. I can’t take it any more.  

I will update later in the week when the fog clears.  I want to stay home this week.  I have to process the trauma from the hospitslists’s complete disregard for my state of well being. Why is this so hard? Because I am alone.

God Bless you from Denise

My Safe Place Is With Jesus

There is a link to our cancer ministry below. I’m certain you are confused, how could someone with so many medical traumas and emotional traumas be faithful?

Last week I went to confession, received an anointing of the sick and enrolled in the brown scapular. God is allowing my PTSD. God is allowing my cancer. God is allowing me to have difficult relationships and experience abandonment.  

Jesus experienced the ultimate suffering as an innocent Lamb of God. Every day I think about how nice it would be to have a “normal” life, even with cancer. 

I rely on really amazing friends and have extended family that talks with me. God is good.  

If I did not embrace Jesus I would probably have committed suicide by now. It’s strange. My cancer is very bad, CA125 raising.

I miss Dr. Gray so much.  She took such good care of me. I regret leaving Seattle to come here, where I am not wanted.  I sacrificed my health because I got better care there.

My job is to pray for those who have rejected me.  Many cancer patients experience rejection eventually.  It is a piercing pain. It is what it is. That is why we need Jesus. 

Jesus loves you and will not abandon you. We have heaven awaiting us as our eternal home, all we need to do is say YES.  

Confession releases us from our sin as Jesus absolves us. We repent and make reparation. Jesus forgets our sin and repays our sin.  

Sometimes I want to stop talking altogether except to pray. It is my voice, my tone that gets me in trouble.  Maybe God is saying to just pray, embrace silence.  That sounds good.  

My radiation treatments will end after two more sessions. I think my good gynonc wants me to resume chemo. It took 6 weeks to recover from most recent Gemzar. I am not sure I can tolerate chemo.  

Hospice is looming.  I’m not ready but I’m tired.  God Bless you.

https://facingourimmortality.org/2023/10/05/an-examination-of-love-spiritual-exercise-10-09-23/

Short Consult Note

​My radiation oncologist took a long time to show me radiology images and in detail explain the treated areas.  I thought we were treating pelvic lymphnodes but not.  It was a communication issue.  I trust him after he took time to listen, explain and help.  

I am still fighting to live.  I have 2 more radiation treatments.  I explained my PTSD to him and he will refer me to the oncology psychologist.

We are talking plans after radiation sessions end and I will get labs/UA before next two radiation treatments. 

My 1900 CA125 scares me.  

I think I want palliative colostomy if I go into hospice.

I am not ready for hospice.  I can’t handle chemo side effects unless we find a new one.  I miss my mom.  I miss my kit kat Marilyn so much