Over The Years With My Baby Girl

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Trying Gemzar

​Hello friends,

Peace. It’s been a nerve-wracking two weeks. My oncologist will allow me to try Gemzar at a reduced dose. I’ll be receiving bevacizumab during some of the treatment cycles. I pray I get through just one and see a big drop in my CA125.

I’m disappointed that my voice regarding PARP inhibitors was ignored.  My bone marrow is very weak, but praise God there is no sign of MDS or chemo-induced leukemia. If they would have listened and tried Gemzar last February I would have had a stronger bone marrow. If they wouldn’t have MISSED my recurrence we could have attacked my recurrence in 2021. Getting unstuck from the traumas has been hard, but progress is being made.....just in small doses. I need to keep my eyes on God (this last sentence added after confession Sunday before Mass.)

I had a melt-down yesterday because I’m already overwhelmed with too many appointments, a surprise appointment yesterday and realizing I can’t work and do these treatments.  I don’t know how this will work.

I’m receiving EMDR treatments, just getting started. Yesterday I was receiving EMDR while processing the trauma of my mom’s death in 2013.  There was not only trauma from her sudden loss but of course family stuff. It’s common, I think, for families to have differences when a central figure dies. All these things together are overwhelming. I wish healthcare providers better understood PTSD. The entire healthcare system is in a state of trauma.  It’s very sad.  

There are rays of sunshine that peak through the clouds but it’s not looking good right now.

The elephant in the room is my life and I’m trying to sustain myself as I attempt Gemzar.  The only other time I received Gemzar I ended up very sick in the hospital, and required a platelet transfusion.

I will be so happy if it works. But if I end up in the hospital without a significant drop in my CA125 we may need to stop. I don’t know.

I start Gemzar next week.  

Peace,

Denise

Restaged

I saw it in writing, I’m officially downgraded to stage IVB. Sigh. I had a bone marrow biopsy last week and will know more about the results next week. I have hopes to receive some treatments, such as a micro-dose of Gemzar.  My bone marrow is really weak. I trust God and my oncologist, 🙏🏻. 

It is a relief that we are in Easter season.  I must remain focused on Him as much as possible.  I have things I want to do still. 

I feel like the little girl who ran away from home for an afternoon, I just don’t want to be here, I want to be in nature. I miss my loved ones. It’s in God’s hands but I still pray.  

Dear Lord please use my suffering for your good works and divine will. I am sharing a copy of an intercessory prayer to St. Peregrine. Please pray this for anyone with cancer or a serious illness. 

O great St. Peregrine, you have been called "The Mighty," "The Wonder-Worker," because of the numerous miracles which you have obtained from God for those who have had recourse to you.

For so many years you bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fibre of our being, and who had recourse to the source of all grace when the power of man could do no more. You were favoured with the vision of Jesus coming down from His Cross to heal your affliction. Ask of God and Our Lady, the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you. 

(Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying)

Aided in this way by your powerful intercession, we shall sing to God, now and for all eternity, a song of gratitude for His great goodness and mercy.

Amen.

Happy Easter

​He is Risen!  

Happy Easter

How Great Thou Art