CDC Symptom Diary Card

Friday, January 09, 2015

Saying Goodbye To Anger

Welome to 2015!

To be honest, I feel like it is already February.  The first 9 days of 2015 have been packed full with major decisions, fluctuations in my state of health, being magnetized by and consumed with finishing the Bible and being true to my calling, as best I can be. With all this I have not had the energy keep up with the level of watch over the ovarian cancer community like I would prefer.

So as I write this I am deflated, sad, because I just learned that a 17 year old young woman has died from ovarian cancer.  #SamStrong May she rest in peace.

Before I learned of her death my original intention was to do a post about cancer and dental care.  I wanted to keep the first post of 2015 simple. There is just too much to mention so I will sum that portion of this post up by saying this:  "Google Biofilm and follow the recommendations to keep biofilm at bay".  Your teeth wil love you. 

Spiritual care is of course much more involved.

In the next few weeks I will be attending a 3 day spiritual retreat of silence and prayer.  As God has offered ways for me to keep helping other people I find that I am more and more inspired to learn as much as I can about Love from God and His Mercy. I thought I had understood this, but I had not.

I did not know the young woman who left her family and friends so early but there must have been a deeply rooted feeling of brotherly love within her circle.  If you search #SamStrong you will see all the wonderful things she accomplished during her short life.  Her spirit inspires me. She seemed to have mercy.

Someone close to me recently said that when it comes to God things will be revealed to you when you are ready.  Each soul on earth is on a separate timeline but we all are welcome to receive God at anytime, if we choose to do so. God gave us free will.

So although I have been dissappointed in myself for taking so long to read through the Bible, I will not berate myself.  I have finished reading through Romans and in the past few weeks I have been enlighted in so many ways.  

I recently realized that I had been holding onto anger about a particular scenario.  I thought it had gone, but it hadn't.  By the acts of confession, prayer and studying I am truly beginning to understand what mercy is.  

I am not a model but am dedicated to having true mercy from this point on.  

Anger is the enemy.  The priest said that even justified anger serves no real purpose and that God wants us to have mercy in the way that Christ Jesus has mercy.  I want every ounce of anger out of my soul and it will be a labor of love to do so.  I do not want to die with any anger in my heart.

I plan to write about my retreat experience in hopes that some of you may be inspired to heal yourself in spirit too.  This will help our bodies.

Thank you for following along with this disorganized post.  I will be looking for other women to join me on another spiritual retreat that will include prayer and dedication to healing from illness as well, whether you are the patient or loved one.  You do not have to be Catholic to attend.  

Please email me if you may be interested at servivorgirl@gmail.com.

Peace and Blessings,
Servivorgirl

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Happy Holidays From Servivorgirl and Merry Christmas

My sweet cat Marilyn and I are rejoicing in the miracle of our Lord Jesus Christ.  This is a bittersweet Christmas. 

My heart aches.  I miss my mom.  I am also very grateful to be alive on this day to celebrate the season of the birth of our Lord.  I love my family, friends and treatment team.

To my friends who celebrate in other ways may you be joyful and with peace this holiday season.

Seasons Greetings to all.

Love,
Servivorgirl



Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Perfect Tree

Missing you all and needing to say that I wish I had the energy to write more often.  I am still sleeping 12 to 15 hours per day.  I had the pleasure of getting a short respite with family over the past few weeks and some interesting new things happened while I was there. 

It is worth noting that my Avastin dosage has increased because I continue to gain weight.  (The weight gain is an entirely separate post, too complex to even discuss.) Ha!  

Anyways, I was walking on the kitchen floor and heard a cracking sound in my left foot.  The popping sound that accompanied a sudden surge of pain and inability to bear weight on said foot sent me to the ER.  I had only been there an hour!  Ha.  I am now wearing a big walking boot and do have a fracture in my left foot.  

Then for two days non-stop I was bedridden with terrible nausea and an evil headache.  What???  I am  on vacation.  

We missed the local tree lighting ceremony with all the holiday extras.  I felt terrible for my aunt. Instead of us walking around the town relishing in holiday cheer she was busy taking care of me.  I love my aunt so much.  I plan to visit next year for a do-over.

Then, yes there is still more, I had to go to the ER a second time because I had unexplained chest pain, neck pain and pain with shortness of breath.  Geeeeeze leweeeeze!

They treated me as if I was having a cardiac issue or embolism.  This has never happened before.  I was panicky to say the least.  When it first happened the noise of the TV was hard to bear and I could not turn my head.  The pain along my neck was on both sides, intense and sharp.

I was given a nitroglycerin patch, IV Lorazapam and some sort of blood thinner. The ER staff and physician were incredibly polite and efficient. They drew labs for cardiac enzymes, checked my legs and chest for blood clots and admitted me for overnight observation. They drew two more enzyme labs over the course of my stay and performed a stress test on my heart. I was very impressed and am so grateful for receiving such a complete cardiac work up. 

After all of THAT, my heart is in good shape, thank you dear Lord.  

What the cause of this mysterious chest episode was, I do not know. If it happens again then I will be referred to a cardiologist, per my PCP.

So this is where we get to the "perfect tree" part.  I return from my vacation exhausted, sleep 23 hours, and sadly realize that I can't get my Christmas tree without help.

I was delighted and thankful to find two ladies who selected, transported and set up a tree for me. To honor my mom, who passed away last November, I wanted to purchase my Christmas tree from Swanson's Nursery.  Swansons was her favorite nursery, such a beautiful place.

My Christmas tree is the perfect tree.  It represents real life.  The curved trunk, uneven branches, the way it appears as if it might just topple over at any moment.  I checked, it is secured tightly to the stand. It will never look balanced and even.  My tree this year is not a calming tree. It symbolizes unexpectedness and awkwardess, sufferig and loss, yet displays beauty and joy.

My Christmas tree is telling me to stay alert.  It is also taking forever to decorate.  As I write this post I am yet to hang the ornaments I received after mom died.  The box is here, it is the last box of ornaments to hang.  

I will do that tomorrow and post a photo when I am done.

As we embrace these next few weeks of holiday joy, from all cultures and religions, I pray you find your spirit renewed.  I will be blogging soon with more Christmas cheer.....I hope.

Merry Christmas
Servivorgirl