CDC Symptom Diary Card

Sunday, November 28, 2010

That Girl...tales from the edge: Allowing myself the luxury...

Perspectives from a woman who is BRCA2 mutation positive, electing a prophylactic mastectomy.


That Girl...tales from the edge: Allowing myself the luxury...: "It is always interesting to talk with someone who doesn't quite know my full story...I will always feel the need to quickly clarify I never ..."

Friday, November 26, 2010

Blessings for this Thanksgiving weekend

It's the Friday after, and I am so happy.  I was able to eat portions of all the meal and not hurt too much today.  The hardest part about today is the withdrawl from spending time with mom, Mandy, Patrick, Laria and Addie.  We shared laughter and just seemed to have a good time, so unlike last year.  Not to dwell on the past, but from what I can remember about last year, I felt muted and was in a lot of pain.  I was in the throws of chemo, with one hospitalized treatment scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving.

This year, the time spent with family was fully enjoyed.  My poor little niece was sick, but she seemed to be coping well enough.  Those girls are full of so much enthusiasm and thirsty to please, smile and learn.

We all chipped in to make the dinner, and it was scrumptious.  I am truly grateful to God for giving me this day and another chance to enjoy the holiday season.

My printer arrived, so this weekend I'll set it up.  Next week is time to get back with voc rehab, they never contacted me.

I spent most of the day thinking about what I will leave behind for people to remember me by, whenever my time comes.  Not in a depressing sad way, but in an inspirational way.  I don't want people to remember me as a weak person who couldn't get back on her feet...........but what do I choose to do here?

I was thinking that as an Aunt, I have a great opportunity to show so much more love, support, participation, and examples. I just adore all my nieces and nephew so much.

I need them to see that I can be normal, so I do need to get back to work on some level.  I also love being here with mom.  I really do.  She does not need me here, I need her more still.  I am totally afraid that if I move out, I will get really depressed and lonely.  What if something happens to her?  I get a little overly worried about those kinds of things if I think too far ahead.  That's why it's better for me to make short term plans right now.......like a week or so at a time.

Want to go with the family to see the Picasso Exhibition.  AND I need to get a turtle in the kiln (over the summer my brother's children and he came to visit and the children made a turtle out of clay).  In Seattle, it's no easy task to get clay fired, but I must do it..........

Well, lots of little things to take care of and praying for little Laria to be better soon.  Oh and also my Aunt Kathy had good test results with her biopsy.  We are all so grateful to that and thank you for your prayers.

Be well and God Bless.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 19, 2010

CA 125 test and neutropenia

Hello all from Seattle.  Rainy and cold, per usual for this time of year.  Have any of you ever been so overwhelmed that you felt suicidal?  I don't feel suicidal, but one of my online support groups has a member who knows someone who is, and she has cancer, and it's in remission ( per discussion).  This situation was very upsetting to some peope in the group, and I don't think the suicidal person should be attacked.

How do you feel about a cancer patient being suicidal?  Do you feel compassion?  Do you feel anger towards her for not fighting hard to live her life to the fullest?  Hmmmmmmmmmmm   Something to think about.

Had a blood test (monthly test) at the cancer center today.  I do not yet know the results of the golden CA125, but hopefully will have a number on Monday.  Cholesterol is great but white counts dangerously low.  It's .5.  Ideally it would be 4.  My condition is a status such that if I get a fever I must go to the emergency room, immediately.  This problem will be with me for the rest of my life.  I seem to be destined to live as "bubble girl".

This may partly explain why I've been sleeping 12 hours per day, solid sleep.

Thanks to God and my doctor and my insurance, I will get a neulasta shot tomorrow and I'll be OK for a few months.  In a few months, the number will bottom out again, and I'll have to take another $7K shot.

How do you feel about my neulasta costing $7K?

I may need to do some fundraisning next year...........Have a great weekend.  Please also pray for my Aunt Kathy.  She had a breast biopsy today.  Let's hope the lump is nothing.  I'll keep you posted.

God Bless and Be Love

Denise

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

"Wit" starring Emma Thompson

Oh how I wish I would have seen this movie several years ago.  It's about a woman going through the challenges of her life and stage IV ovarian cancer.  It is so well written and Emma's performance is spectacular.  It's hard to watch as someon who has struggled with cancer, but I am a better person for it.

Every woman should watch this movie, and I mean before they get cancer.  It helps one to see how subtle the signs can be yet missing them can be deadly.  Her life experiences come full circle in this emotional drama.

I am so happy to have seen this movie and am even more energized to find some way to be an advocate to improve the awareness of ovarian cancer.  I do not know where I fit yet.

I belong to an online support group for women with ovarian cancer.  The women are amazing angels.  We are all in different stages, some members are longtime survivors, some are caregivers, and some are newly diagnosed.  It's a place where we feel safe talking about sensitive problems and sharing our joys.

I also visited with a member of the Lance Armstrong Survivorship program this past Friday.  We are setting up a plan so I can get my lfe back together.  Everything from getting my hearing tested to setting another appointment with vocational counselors at the U of W.  I think the timing was good, I'm more energetic and feel more "ready" to add more tasks to my daily life.

Still lost as to meaning, but I can't wait for meaning to come to me, I have to find it.

Be Love and God Bless