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Today will be a very blessed day. This morning I saw my brother off to Seattle. He flew in from Colorado last night and is driving my car to Seattle today. Then this afternoon my sister is flying in from Seattle and on Wednesday we will fly to Seattle together. It was so hard to say goodbye to my brother, Arnie. I hadn't seen him in forever, it was too short of a visit. It was soooo good to spend time with him. I have a great brother. I have a great sister too. Mandy will be helping me wrap up final details. My ex-boyfriend Craig will be travelling with his son on a future date to move the rest of my "stuff" to Seattle.

It has been trying to sort and pack and go daily to the doctors office. I just had a chemo treatment this past Wednesday, and am wiped. The lingering abdominal pain from surgery really gets in my way, but each day it's teeny tiny bit less.

One struggle I wasn't expecting was an argument with my previous gynecologist (not my surgeon). We'll call him Dr. P. I had been seeing this gynecologist (Dr. P) since March. He did not do a pelvic exam on my initial visit. I guess it's fair to say I kindof blame him for now, but blame will not heal me. The argument came as a result of me being denied a copy of my "complete" file. They originally mailed a partial copy of my medical records. When I called two days ago to get a complete copy, they refused. So I literally had to go into his office after my lab appointment, and demand the copy face to face. I had to call the Department of Managed Care right on the spot, just to get them to agree. I have never been refused a complete copy of my medical records by any doctor, ever. His refusal to cooperate only makes him look guilty, he knows he could be held responsible.

I am not saying that I have legitimate grounds for charges, but I do want him to think hard about my case. I want him to be more alert when he does his future examinations and be more attentive to the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. His staff acted like they don't even care, and all they cared about was that I was "rude" for demanding my records. It's as if they truly could have cared less about me as a person, that's scary.

So our words of wisdom here are, if you are not feeling like your doctor cares at all, and if you can switch doctors, do it. I really believe that their level of quality care is to the extent that they and the staff care about you as a patient and a person. This guy didn't care.

So now I am off to Seattle, starting a new life, being with family and have a chance to start over with new doctors. I will make every effort I can to help them care about me as a person, I need them to care.

Thank you Mike and Pier for picking my brother up from the airport and thanks Barb for helping me get the car packed. Thanks Craig for taking me to chemo again and for helping me get my posessions to Seattle. Thank you Mandy for flying out here and being with me these last few days. I love you all!

chemoland

Hi everyone,

I had a respite from blogging because I started chemo, and have been a bit on the down side. I have been required to get a daily lab draw, and injections of Neupogen to boost my immune system as needed. My patience has been on the thin side, sitting in the waiting room every day. AND, I still have to do all the things you normally would need to do if you were moving. I am exhausted, didn't even make it to church today. I get another dose of chemo in three days, and really can't say that I'm excited. The blessing here is that I CAN get chemotherapy and that it could finish the surgeon's handywork.

The side effects kicked in about 24 hours after the treatment. I got nausea just pressing on my tummy, not fun. My fatigue is over the top, but I'm managing. Nothing tastes good and I still have to be careful about what I eat. I still have abdominal pain from the surgery!

I have been informed that I will start losing my hair next week. Not sure what to feel about that either. I went looking for a scarf or wrap yesterday, no luck. Too tired to shop around. Hair grows back, so it's not too big of a deal. The thing I am dreading is feeling sickly. THAT I can do without. I don't do "sick" well, never have. Pain, I have been able to manage, but "sick", not so much. Hopefully I will be able to DEAL and find ways to get mental and spiritual control over the side effects of poison streaming through my body.

I have met so many wonderful people who have suffered through chemotherapy and they seem to be doing well, and look "alive". So I keep their images in the back of my mind.

I get to see my brother and sister in less than a week! Yeah! I am praying for their safe travel. I am so excited to see them. This week is going to be very busy, getting the final preparations made for moving, while each day getting lab work, or chemo, or iron treatments. It is a bit exhausting. There is still so much to do, sigh.

Hopefully I can visit my church after my IV iron treatment on Monday.

This must sound so boring, but it is my life now. Managing my cancer has suddenly become a full time job, literally. Managing meds, keeping my journal, daily appointments, trying to get to the store, what to eat, can I eat?

Someday we will treat cancer not with poison, but with intelligent nano-medicine, that only destroys cancer cells. That technology exists already, I just wish it was in use today.

I thank God for my family and friends. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare. Love, Denise

answering prayers

Well, this is a note dedicated to Mandy and Pat, for they were the ones who worked tirelessly searching for insurance. Well, we may have struck oil on this and I am eternally grateful to my sister and her husband, for I could not have done that work.

My surgery had me so incapacitated, they had to do the legwork for me and now I don't have to worry about trying to find a way to receive chemotherapy in northern California. We received an acceptance letter, but need to wrap up details, so it's 99% complete!

I don't want to jinx this by giving away details. I have been in a stupor since yesterday. I am shocked, excited beyond belief and sketptical all at the same time.

I believe that I am on a river, in a well guided canoe, and we are coming upon rough waters, but after those waters lies a calm flow, where I can gently rest upon the shore. I am not in control of this canoe, it is God. I believe this to be true, fully in my heart and soul because every step of the way of this journey has caused me to demonstrate resistence to all these changes, enough that would make anyone want to quit on me.

My family has stuck with me and prayed. My friends, old and new, are praying. Members of my church are praying, and of course I am praying. I pray mostly for those who have to deal with my emotions, which are everywhere.

I thank God and Mandy and Pat for this critical component of my recovery. I am so excited that I can be with them and my mother, and get through chemo with support.

God wants me in Seattle, that's all I can say.

Thank you all for your support. I start chemo on Monday, just a light dose, so I should be fine. I guess we'll see. My brother is coming in a few weeks, can't wait to see Arnie. Yeah! And then Mandy and I will be on a plane.

I'm nervous and excited. My life is literally starting over. Thank you again!

Love,
Denise